Here are some practical suggestions for dealing with anger.
1. When you are angry say nothing.
If we speak in anger we will definitely aggravate the situation and quite likely hurt the feelings of others. If we speak in anger we will find that people respond in kind, creating a spiral of negative anger. If we can remain outwardly silent it gives time for the emotion of anger to leave us.
“When angry count to ten before you speak. If very angry, count to one hundred. “
2. Be indifferent to those who seek to make us angry.
Some people may unfortunately take a malicious pleasure in trying to make you mad. However, if we can feel indifferent to them and their words; if we feel it is beyond our dignity to even acknowledge them, then their words and actions will have no effect. Also, if we do not respond in any way to their provocation, they will lose interest and not bother us in the future.
3. Use reason to stop anger.
When we feel anger coming to the fore try to take a step back and say to yourself “This anger will not help me in any way. This anger will make the situation worse.” Even if part of us remains angry our inner voice is helping us to distance our self from the emotion of anger.
4. Look kindly upon Others.
Another visualisation, suggested by spiritual teacher Paramhansa Yogananda, is to see the anger-rousing agent as a 5 year old child. If you think of the other person as a helpless 5 year old child your compassion and forgiveness will come to the fore. If your baby brother accidentally stabbed you, you would not feel anger and desire to retaliate. Instead, you would just feel he is just too young to know any better. This exercise may be particularly useful for close members of the family who at times evoke your anger.
5. Value Peace more than anger.
If we value peace of mind as our most important treasure we will not allow anger to remain in our system. As Sri Chinmoy says:
“You may have every right to be angry with someone, but you know that by getting angry with him you will only lose your precious peace of mind..”
6. Always try to understand those who are cross.
Don’t worry about feeling the need to defend yourself from their criticisms. If you can remain detached and calm they may begin to feel guilty about venting their anger on you. Inspired by your example of calmness, they will seek subconsciously to do the same.
7. Focus on Something Completely Different.
Suppose someone has done something to make you angry. Think about something which will make you happy. The best antidote to negativity is to focus on the positive.
8. Breathe Deeply.
The simple act of breathing deeply will help considerably with removing anger.
9. Meditation.
Practise meditation regularly to bring your inner peace to the fore. If we can have an inner access to our inner peace we will be able to draw upon this during testing times. – How to Meditate
10. Smile
When we smile we defuse many negative situations. To smile is offer goodwill to others. Smiling costs nothing but can effectively defuse tense situations.
Photo credit: Ranjit Swanson, Sri Chinmoy Centre Galleries
See also:
59 comments ↓
[...] presents 10 Powerful Ways to Deal with Anger posted at Sri Chinmoy Inspiration, saying, “How to deal with anger and avoid hurting [...]
Point in no4 is so true..and i am learning of adapting to it..it is hard when we are angry to people but it will become harde if we gets angry with our own close family…
Thank you, I found this article about dealing with anger very helpful. However, I would like to take this a step further (this is a loaded question) and ask “How do you deal with grudges” or rather “How do you purdge yourself of grudges”. During moments of anger words are said with the intention of hurting the other person. Those words can’t be erased once said. And in a case where the exchange is between spouses it can erode the delicate fabric of that relationship irreversibly. After which anything else that is said just compunds the problem. At the end, all you’re left with is indifference, distaste, pain, confusion (where it all went wrong), fear (the other will leave you the next time or find someone else), shame and a lot of more ugly feelings.
This what i and my husband are going through. He often looks to provoke me (get a rise out of me) I honestly try to ignore him and go about my business but he never backs down (each time it happens he says he didn’t expect it to end up in an ugly exchange of words). Before you know it, we are bringing up real issues and insulting each other. We used to respect each other now I really think that’s gone and we don’t know how to rebuild. My husband doesn’t believe in inner peace and self improvement (makes you wonder what we had in common in the first place) anyway, what can I do ?
I dont know how to not take things out on the people that did nothing wrong? What can I do?
OK these sound nice, but from a practical standpoint many of them are ineffective. Saying nothing is a good way to stuff your anger and let it fester. I agree processing the thoughts with reason before speaking is good, and effective, but to say nothing as in ignoring a person (as was described here) is not healthy.
Think of loving things may soothe the anger at the moment, but are you actually dealing with the anger? Maybe, maybe not — it is similiar to the saying nothing it is more a mask of the anger rather than dealing with it.
Getting angry does not lose your precious state of mind, staying angry does. Being angry is a natural healthy response to hurt, pain, threat, fear and much more. Again it is a superficial statement on dealing with anger.
The rest I pretty much agree with. One needs to understand why he/she is angry. and then rationally think of an appropriate action. The feeling of anger is not a negative, it just is. the actions we take to process the anger is important.
Do you need to talk to a person and set boundaries? Is the person who made you angry correct and your are just hurt? Are your expectations let down and causing you anger (expectations are almost always connected with anger — what were your expectations — and what actually happened). Physical actions such as walking, or excercising or biking are good ways to release the tension that anger can cause. rational theought — as the saying goes — think it out I (intellect) over E (emotion). Write your anger down on paper — this helps to process your thoughts and release the tension and anger. (No one needs ever reead the writing except you — but it is effective in getting it out)
The writing by the way is effective with grudges. it helps you process the grudge and find out why you are holding a grude.
Resentments and grudges keep you in the place of the originally moment of anger. It does not allow you to process the anger — effectively you are revisiting that moment every time you feel the resentment and anger — dealing with it allows you to move on.
Ok enough of my book here… hope some of what I wrote helps and good luck and peace to everyone. (including me
Hey? Where’s #7?
Or is it hidden or a joke and I’m being stupid?
Good point. I don’t know what happened to number 7….
This is very helpful, I have 2 young adults and I needed to find something online to show them how to deal with anger issues. We will go over the steps in detail to ensure they understand how their reactions change situations. Thanks very much for the website.
I find this article very helpful. I just got very angry at my girlfriend and we blew up at each other over something so small and stupid. Thank you for the article. I hope my girlfriend still loves me….
[...] suggest some of what you feel is an inability to forgive yourself. You may find this site useful: 10 Powerful Ways to Deal with Anger Sri Chinmoy Inspiration However IMHO I tend to think that people make their own best therapists and you may benefit from [...]
i have taken these steps of advice into consideration.
im not one to be angry often as im normally bubbly and hype.
but i appreciate these …tips, and will definatley take them into consideration next i am angry
Good tips but hard to actually do. I’m normally a very level-headed and calm person but when angered I shoot off like a rocket. Its unbeleivably hard to think of anything other than the situation at hand that is bothering me. Its like im a bull and just see red… I know in my heart im not a bad person, i just should take the time to handle things differently. But honestly reading a few tips is ok but to actually input them in my life is another. I struggle to see past my anger.
I need help with anger.When I am mad I do not smile.I have to hit the wall or something.
Oh no1 is excellent!Doesn’t mean the rest are not though!I mean it’s so relaxing and it doesn’t provoke more of ugly words from/to your opponent. And when you dont fight back, it’s easy to solve something wisely. Thanks alot for these tips to stay happy with peace of mind.
i’m a survivor
i ain’t going to give up
when i get angry i start cusing and screaming i use to take the anger out on my self. most of my anger now is cuz my father died a couple of months ago and i dont know how to deal wit my self. especially cuz he was my world!
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Thank you SO much. I looked everywhere for something to calm me down, and came up with zilch. My anger dissipated, and my interest in arguing.
Well, I know it is hard not to react once you are angered.
You know it is wrong and that it is not what you really want to do, but the emotion is too powerful to resist. Am I right?
What we need is a quick fix for the moment, so we do not do some thing we do not actually want to.
Asking yourself why the angry response to any given situation is vital. For example, I am angry because someone accused me of doing some thing I did not.
Or, someone has been bothering you for a long time and you, not wanting to hurt his feelings, just allowed him to hang around and influance you in whatever way.
So, we need to find the our own mind pattern that has allowed the situation to arise in the first place. Then, we need to change the way we think and live. So that similar situation can not arise in the future ever again.
Well, good luck to us all.
A good one but many points don’t seem to be practical. I am struggling in dilema with my wife, who hurt you with the filthiest of words and it some times make me feel, why don’t God take away my life at that very moment. She has mood swings and when she will burst only God knows. She knows she has problems but is stubborn and feels that i am the cause for her misbehaviour. I remain indifferent and do not react and this become an issue to extend the fight (one sided) and abuses. I am enduring this for 16 years (only for the sake of my daughters). Many a times i also feel sorry for her behaviour as i know she is mentally sick (highly egoistic). All said and done i am a human and now i don’t have that strength to keep enduring this pain. The mental torture i am put into is hard to be penned. If anyone, can suggest a solution, i will be much obliged.
ANGER IS A FEELING, SOMETHING PEOPLE TEND TO FORGET ABOUT. I GET ANGRY ALOT OVER LITTLE THINGS. CONFRONT YOUR ANGER, NOT RUN. IF YOU RUN IT WILL STILL BE THERE LATER LIKE LEFTOVERS UNTIL YOU DEAL WITH IT AND THROW IT OUT. EVEN THE LITTLE THINGS MAKES US (PEOPLE) ANGRY AND ITS OK. IT DOESNT MEAN WE HAVE ANGER PROBLEMS AND NEED TONS OF COUNSELING. IVE HAD ALOT DONE AND SEEN ALOT IN MY LIFE AND THOUGHT IVE HAD AN ANGER PROBLEM. IVE EVEN TAKEN ANGERMANAGEMENT CLASSES TO FIND OUT WHY AND WHAT IT IS THAT MAKES ME ANGRY AND CAME UP WITH THIS SOLUTION. ITS NOT ABOUT WHAT MAKES YOU ANGRY, ITS ABOUT HOW YOU GONNA DEAL WITH THE SITUATION THAT MADE YOU ANGRY, TAKE IT AND LEARN FROM IT, AND MOVE ON. WE CANT BE ANGRY FOREVER AND WHEN ANGER TRIES TO TAKE CONTROL REACH OUT TO YOURSELF OR SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU AND TALK OR VENT OR ETC.WE AS PEOPLE TEND TO LET OUR FEELINGS TAKE CONTROL OF OUR MINDS AND DO STUPID THINGS TO HURT INSTED OF HELPING THE SITUATION, AND THEN WONDER WHY WE END UP IN WHAT WE THINK IS THE WORST SITUATION IN THE WORLD. MY ADVISE, TAKE A STEP BACK. LOOK AT EVERY POSSIBLE SOLUTION TO HELP THE PROBLEM. APPROCH IT AT EVERY ANGLE IN A POSSIATIVE WAY AND ATTIUDE AND SOLVE IT. ONLY YOU CAN GET OVER YOURE ANGER AND WHAT MAKES YOU ANGRY. TAKE IT AND USE IT IN THE FUTURE. TRUST ME IT WILL HELP IN THE LONG RUN AND YOU WILL BENEFIT FROM IT. THERES ONLY TWO ANSWERS TO EVERY QUESTION IN LIFE.YES OR NO. THINK ABOUT IT.
I’d come to a similar conclusion to Bluemistro via a different route – in all situations you can choose what to do – like yes or no – go along with, or don’t, enjoy or don’t, be positive or not… Then go to the next stage- pretty soon you come to the ultimate logic, if you choose to say no to an opportunity then you don’t know what might have happened, and if you are okay with that, then its fine. Likewise with anger, you can choose to react with anger, or not – or put another way, you can choose to see the other person’s point of view, or not, and if you do, you can choose whether to react to this new insight, or not…
You allow other people to let you feel how you do – they don’t make your feelings, you do.
The irony is that you can only see this when you are working rationally youself. Otherwise you just can’t start to go there… The first tiny step to opening your mind is so fundamental to all of this.
Just try one tiny little open minded thought first….its amazing how soon you can get into the habit of it.
that was realy inspiring to thank you for your guidence with helping me to deal with my anger and depresion
im in love wit the response from bluemistro..u really inspired me to take a stepback an try to resolve my anger in a different light..i appreciate it..
I rlly like this site it was rlly helpfull!
Thanks for these steps they savedd my life.
I think that small and meaningless outbursts of anger may be well served by heeding your advice. But we should be very careful not to deny our own nature. If we have negative feelings, of course, they should be solved by removing their cause, not by shouting and kicking some other person. That will not remove the cause, but telling our selves to be rational and loving and forget about it will also not work. It could well work completely opposite in the longer run.
That said, may I express may sincere happiness for your excellent articles here. Thanks!
A poison tree
By William Blake
I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe;
I told it not, my wrath did grow.
And I water’d it in fears,
Night & morning with my tears;
And I sunned it with my smiles
And with soft deceitful wiles.
And it grew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright;
And my foe beheld it shine,
And he knew that it was mine,
And into my garden stole
When the night had veil’d the pole:
In the morning glad I see
My foe outstretch’d beneath the tree
i need to hit some thing to help me not calm down
thankyou very much, during these tense times it is important to remember certain rules of dealing with it.
thanks that was helpfull! and i regr that anger came over me. today i know how to deal, my anger. thanksssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.
thanks for your advice, whenever i angry i lose my mind and act without any sense and there is no time for thinking again
thanyou so much for sharing this with me I have had alot of problems in my family so when I get angry I shut down and I dont like talking to other people. so I thank you so veary much.
BLUEMISTRO you have an excellent point
[...] How to deal with anger – an article I wrote for another blog [...]
thank you ,now i feel very cool.i want to change my life from all this emotions,angry,dipressions.your site is very helpfull to me.once again thank you.
Thank you very much for you invaluable tips. It is really very usefull for me and people who read this might be get a good thing for ever.
These are good ideas about an important subject for people.
I sometimes have to remind myself not to feel guilty about having anger. The guilt just makes it worse.
What is more important is learning how to deal with anger skillfully so that it is not so destructive.
I also find it helpful to separate my “reasons”for being angery from the pure physical experience. When I let go of the sense of “justified anger” and simply focus my mind on the physical sensations in my body, the anger disipates and reason and compassion return.
I once heard that anger is born from fear; fear of not being heard, or understood. I’ve found the best way to defuse anger is to listen and try to understand the other person’s point of view.
Love the response on number 28 in the comments, Lars.
My friend is Having a huge problem with her anger, letting her anger out on other people (physical). And I need help, my advice has reached its limits. I dont think i can help her anymore than i already have. I guess some people like to still wallow in their pasts even though it hurts them, but ive took into consideration on lending this hopefully helpful advice to her. If anything im guessing meditation will calm her nerves and hopefully she’ll find herself during that period of healing. If she fails and falls, I have a feeling Shes going to pull me down with her. Well,
Thanks for the advice
I made a complete jerk out of myself last night by totally ignoring all these ways to help deal with anger. For a while there I’m affraid to say I acted like this. I had no idea that what I said and the way I said it was causing so much damage. I had a chance to talk it over immediately and saw just how wrong I was. Boy do I feel stupid. I knew I was an angerous person, but I thought the way I felt with it (complain, hold in) was a way. Well… It’s a way to lose friends. I’m so sorry. I can’t be that way anymore. I have to change now. And believe me, I want to. I need to actually.
I was thinking about seeing a psych.
Does anyone think that would be best?
I don’t think at all that I’m crazy, It just seems that I’d have to be, in acting so foolishly with my anger.
Again I am so sorry to who I offended.
I sadly can say I went through all of these. I never did anything about it till my fiance left me for good even though she gave me plenty chances to change and encourage me and helped me to change. I ignored her completly i always took it up to her, and yell ,scream even course at her. When she left me i knew it was it and it made me see reality. I changed am able to deal with anger, better work inviroment. unfurtunally I was never able get my fiance back and blame my self for it.I KNOW I CAN LIVE A BETTER LIFE NOW
all sounds a bit indirect/impractal to me..
(except point 8 which given enough attention will sort your whole life out, but angry people are usually hiding negative emotions)
if your angry just feel/express it. do i need to say without hurting anyone ? (including yourself)
scream into or hit a pillow in private ?, if there’s pain that makes you feel angry, then feel that too.. cry if you need to as long as you need to..
keep doing that till you feel better
if you can meditating on your breath will work wonders too
RK..
which is better for your daughters, you being with their mum, or you being happy..?
I’m very angry when someone i love blames me for things but can’t accept some of the blame. Trying to self improve but how much can a person give in order for the other one to give?
omg i have anger issues and that does not mix well with having bipolar disorder
breathing exercises work too~~!!!!
i really have bad anger problems and i need help
i hope these work, i need something to help me contol my anger.
other wise it could ruin what i have left of my relationship.
thak you for helping me out wth my aniger
i need these to work i got maja issues wit people hhhhhhh i hope i get good from this webpage
Thanks I needed that for health class
hi,dis site is awesome…!as human beings v should have a lust 4 improving our selves…not 2 pomp in front ov people..buh 2 satisfy our soul,to face ourselves…no body has a flowless personality..every 1 is imperfect as being humans…!n this is wat makes us REAL,but knowing dat ur doing wrong..yet holding a rigid,firm stance on ur wrong doings…makes things worst..hats off 4 those who underwent a reality check n took initiative 2 visit dis site…!
all good in theory very very different in practice. . .
What a wonderful article – thank you.
I use a lot of those techniques you talk about and find them to be invaluable.
I do find though that sometimes we need to do something with the energy that is arising.
As my Buddhist teacher once said, “Anger is just energy.”
And I find that doing exercise, writing, creating, dancing, singing or using some way of shifting anger to be what works best for me.
Thank you for shining your light,
Be well,
Piers
I like this webpage. There is tons of great advice on here. People that visit this webpage should just pick one point from here and work on controlling their anger at a time. They do work. Just one at a time though. If you try too many of these 10 different points in the same time of rage your brain will overload and you will give in to punching walls, screaming, acting like a baby, or whatever you all do when you are mad.
Helpful –will try to incorporate these ways into my hectic, stressfull life …thankyou!
I am feeling really better after going through the article how to manage anger..i hope to implement this in my regular life….
Thank you so much
Amina
ty so much this will really help me out alot^^
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