Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield. As a rule, whatever is fluid, soft, and yielding will overcome whatever is rigid and hard. This is another paradox: what is soft is strong.

- Tao Te Ching

Great spiritual teachings suggest the benefits of  spontaneity, fluidity and avoiding a rigid mind. Going with the flow doesn’t mean we accept the prevailing conventions of society – it means we seek to find our inner truth and follow the promptings of our heart.

How can we implement this philosophy into everyday life?

Allow the Solution To be Created

In life, we can come up against innumerable problems and difficulties, which, at times, can seem insurmountable. Often we are drawn to just thinking and exaggerating the scale of the difficulty. But, to overcome a problem, we need to consciously visualise the solution. This belief and focus on the positive outcome, helps it to be created.  As Sri Chinmoy states in this poem:

Focus not on the dire problem,
But on the easy solution.
Live not on an empty promise,
But be a true man of action.

With other people we need to express the confidence the right thing will happen. If we can wholeheartedly embrace the solution, we can allow it to occur. We must be watchful we do not hold onto the problem, as some form of disguised self-pity. Instead, we have to be positive and allow the good thing to  happen.

By doing this we are not pushing against the solution, but creating the energy for the positive experience to be created.

Follow Your Own Truth

We may feel that a harmonious life energy requires us to meet the expectations of other people; we may feel the necessity of following the ‘wisdom of the crowd’, but this is not correct. When we try to be something we are not, we make life difficult for ourselves. Harmony doesn’t mean we become one amorphous mass, in fact – the opposite. The aim is unity in diversity. If we try to be something we are not, we are always fighting our natural Self.

By being true to our self, we gain self-confidence and self-respect; it will enable us to express our own inner qualities and personalities. If people don’t appreciate our decisions, we won’t mind because we will have the inner peace of following our own soul’s deepest need. Inner peace comes when we are true to ourself; it does not come when we try to imagine and become what others expect of us. As Shakespeare said:

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

- Shakespeare ²

Avoiding Confrontation

If we directly speak of other people’s weaknesses, they invariably become defensive and have injured pride. Because we fear confronting others, we often ignore it and they continue to frustrate us by doing the wrong thing. Neither approach is satisfactory. If we openly confront others we create friction. If we say nothing, we have to deal with the wrong behaviour. Here is another approach.

We create a conducive environment to constructive dialogue. Be happy, put the other person at ease. Start by mentioning some good qualities. Talk about your own failings and how you need to change. Mention the weakness as something you do, but would like to change. This may even be sufficient for them to be aware this is a mistake in their own life. If not, you can mention it without creating problems. This is the indirect approach. You haven’t created a confrontational approach, but raised the issue in a way that avoids hurting the other person’s pride.  When people feel happy and have good self-esteem, they are in a much better place to seek their own self-improvement. If they feel forced to change, they may resent it. If they are allowed to come to their own conclusions, they will seek to make it a lasting reality.

The flower gives nectar. The bee gives pollination.

The bee receives nectar. The flower receives pollination

Independent
Nobody is -
We just fool ourselves.

- Sri Chinmoy ¹

Some people find it easy to give, but very difficult to receive; they feel they should remain aloof and independent.

Some find it difficult to give because they worry they will be worse off or gain no benefit.

For example, some people may be willing to offer support to friends, but when they are in difficulty they will feel they shouldn’t bother other people and refuse any support or help.

It is good to be in a position to give; but if we don’t allow ourselves to also receive, we can’t complete the circle. We deny others the opportunity to get joy from giving. We consciously deny ourselves the opportunity to get what we are happy to give others.

Giving is an opportunity to transcend selfish motives and feelings. But receiving is also an opportunity to transcend our pride and ego. Often we refuse to accept support from others out of a sense of personal pride. It may arise from a subtle sense of superiority. When we give, we may feel, perhaps unconsciously, that we are superior to the person who we are giving to. But, if we feel superior about giving, then we will also feel inferior when receiving. That is why we only want to be in the position of giving.

“Gracious acceptance is an art – an art which
most never bother to cultivate. We think that we have
to learn how to give, but we forget about accepting
things, which can be much harder than giving…
Accepting another person’s gift is allowing
to express his feelings for you.”

- Alexander McCall Smith

However, when we learn to both give and receive with equanimity, we will feel neither superior or inferior. We will get joy from both.

“Before giving, the mind of the giver is happy; while giving, the mind of the giver is made peaceful; and having given, the mind of the giver is uplifted.”

-Buddha

Don’t Keep Count

Another mistake is to think life is like a weighing scale. If we give 10 units to person A, we shouldn’t wait expecting 10 units in return. It is best to just give and receive in accordance with necessity and follow your heart’s prompting. If your giving and receiving is calculated like a weighing scale, you will lose all spontaneity and joy from the process.

Receiving and Dependency

There is a big difference between receiving genuine support and becoming dependent on the efforts of others. If we are in a difficult position, we should happily receive from others, but we should not abuse this help and become a drain on the other person’s good will.

It is the same with giving. Often when we give love, support and aid to others it can help. But, we shouldn’t be giving without discrimination. We have to keep asking ourselves is this actually helping the other person? If we give support which encourages them to have better self-esteem and self-confidence, then we are facilitating them to solve their own problems. But, if we just give sympathy and try to solve their problems for them, we may not be helping them to learn what they need to know. There is no right answer for how to help others. But, we should be careful of our motives in giving to others.

Beauty of Giving and Receiving.

As John Donne said ‘no man is an island’. When we give and receive unconditionally we remember our extended consciousness our inseperable link with other people. There is a beauty to giving and receiving.

“Beauty is in giving. Beauty is in receiving. Beauty is in giving and giving alone. Beauty is in receiving and receiving alone. When I give, I see that before I have given anything, Heaven is already smiling through my offering, my self-giving. When I receive, I see that earth is smiling in and through me.”

- Sri Chinmoy ²

Related

• Scarcity and Giving

photo: Tejvan

There is an oft-repeated saying – Is the glass half-full or half-empty? It is a key issue in life – how do we perceive a situation? Give two people the same situation and their perspective / reaction may be very different. All through life we have a choice on what to see and what to choose. This is an attempt to consider how we can see things from a different perspective.

If a negative thought
Claims you as its victim,
Can you not immediately take shelter
In the embrace
Of a positive thought?

- Sri Chinmoy ¹

Maybe you’re not right.

It is human nature to think we are right and other people are wrong. This battle to be ‘right’ takes up much of our mental time and energy. Sometimes we will try very hard to prove we really are in the right. However, rather than just automatically assume we are right, we could look at the issue from another point of view. Maybe, it is we who are wrong. Even entertaining this idea involves a degree of humility. From their perspective and their world view, they probably consider that they are doing the ‘right’ thing. If we can have empathy that they are trying to do the right thing in their own way, it makes us more tolerant, more understanding. Sometimes it’s not about being ‘right’ but approaching the situation in the best way.

A teenager may think the right thing is to explore the world and have the freedom to make choices about life. A parent may feel the ‘right’ thing to do is to protect their children from unnecessary dangers. In a way, neither perspective is ‘wrong’ But, if we can understand where the other person is coming from it can help a good deal.

Guilt vs Learning Process

We often allow guilt to dominate our mind. We make a mistake and we then carry a heavy burden of guilt around. We feel bad, but we cannot undo what has happened in the past. Another perspective is to see mistakes as inevitable; we learn what we need to and strive not to make the mistake again. This is the positive approach, rather than focusing on what we’ve done wrong, we focus on what we are going to do right.

This doesn’t make us callous to our own wrong doing. It is just a way to concentrate on the positive rather than unnecessarily dragging ourselves down. If we hold onto guilt, saying I’m bad, I’m bad – it hardly helps us to do the right thing.

It is a question of perspective, do we feel bad for what we did in the past, or do we feel hopeful for how we will turn our life around?

Victim vs Non-Victim

It is easy to feel the victim – a victim of circumstances a victim of other peoples words and actions. However, rather than seeing ourselves as a victim, we need to remember we can always choose how we respond to situations. Then we empower ourselves; we can learn to reject negative words and ideas. We can remember our real self and ignore a mistaken identity others would try to impose on us. Then we no longer feel like a victim, instead we see difficult situations as an opportunity to have faith in ourselves.

Related

• Keeping things in perspective
• Why Life feels difficult and what to do about it

Why is it two people can say very similar things, but one comes across as much more appealing than another person? Instinctively we warm to the light touch, we struggle when things get ‘heavy’. This may sound quite vague, but some people and situations give a vibration of ‘heaviness’. A ‘heavy’ vibration comes when we are very serious, intense, judgemental, fearful, anxious and tense.

A ‘light’ vibrations comes when there is a feeling of friendliness, non-judgemental, calm and maintain a sense of humour and perspective. When we live in the moment, there is a natural spontaneity which gives a feeling of lightness and joy.

Non-Judgemental

When we are very judgemental, it creates a ‘heavy’ atmosphere. The other person feels guilty or defensive; there is a feeling of superiority or inferiority. If we avoid judgement, the mood is lighter. When there is a feeling of superiority or inferiority there is tension because people become defensive or seek to justify their position.

Do not judge,
But love and be loved,
If you want to be really happy.

Smile vs Non Smile

As I write this in airport lounge, I see a young child with a T-Shirt saying ‘Smiling is Really easy’ – it certainly made me smile. To grimace as you say something makes the atmosphere ‘heavy’. If you smile, you can convey so much (you could say get away with so much more). It is almost an unspoken signal to say – “I’m on your side. I like you, whatever I’m actually saying” It is worth bearing in mind that an email conveys non of this human emotion and human signals. It is very difficult to make emails light; they can easily be misunderstood. If you need to get a delicate point across do it in person.

• The easiest way to lighten a heavy situation, is just to smile and make people laugh.

Acceptance

“Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield. As a rule, whatever is fluid, soft, and yielding will overcome whatever is rigid and hard. This is another paradox: what is soft is strong.”

- Lao Tsu, Tao Te Ching

Similar to the concept of non-judgemental is the ability to accept people and situations as they are. Acceptance enables us to go with the flow, rather than fighting against the tide, we accept the situation as it is.

Humility

The easiest way to lighten up a situation is to not take ourselves too seriously. Don’t think we alone have all the right answers. Be willing to satirise ourselves and make light of what we say. Rather than being forceful and trying to change people, let them make their own choices and work out best course of action. If we have a feeling of indispensability then we will create a heavy atmosphere, if we are sincerely humble, it will be much more harmonious.

Avoiding Conflict

Sometimes, we can face a challenge in a confrontational way. Perhaps someone suggests an idea, which we don’t like. We could respond by very vigorously saying why they are wrong and why it won’t work. Needless to say this is a ‘heavy’ response. In most situations, this is not necessary. Rather than meet the situation head on we can say. ‘Very good, let’s see what you can make of it.’ – people often suggest impractical ideas. There’s no need to tell them, just let them work it out for themselves it doesn’t work.

If it really could create problems, you could suggest things like

• ‘it has some good ideas, but I wonder how Mr X would respond?’
• Perhaps you could consider this.

Silence before you speak.

We have to trust our inner wisdom. If we say the first thing that comes into our mind, we may soon regret it, and once said we can’t take it back. If we give chance to consider an appropriate response we will feel in our heart what sounds a good way to proceed. If we think, speak and act from this inner source of wisdom then we will be more in tune with a harmonious action.

Giving Rather than taking

Don’t look at every person and situation to see what you can get from it. Give what you would like to receive yourself. The power of giving

Simplicity

Don’t complicate things, keep it simple. Don’t always be trying to justify things or create added complications. Simplicity has a great beauty and power. Tips for simplicity.

Related

• Peace in the modern world

photo: Tejvan

Each thought
Is the creator
Of a new experience.

Imagine if whatever you thought became a reality instantaneously?

• if you thought of tremendous wealth, you would have it straight away.
• If you thought of conflict with another person, the conflict would happen immediately.
• If you thought of enjoying a beautiful garden, you could be instantly transported to enjoy its beauty and fragrance.
• If you worried about getting a fatal illness, the illness would appear immediately.
• If we thought of heaven, we went to heaven.
• If we thought of hell, we would go straight to hell.

One thing is certain, if our thought immediately created, we would be very careful what thoughts we allowed into our mind.

Self-Fulfilling Thoughts.

Thoughts may not instantly create a reality. But, if we persistently dwell on certain train of thoughts, they do lead to some kind of related experience. If we constantly cherish negative thoughts, this will create some negative experience. If we constantly worry, we will draw this experience to us. If we, however,

Thoughts Do Create

Thought is the bridge between heaven and hell. With our thoughts we really can create heaven or hell. When we are angry, fearful, resentful, is this not our own personal hell? If we hold only beautiful, inspiring and kind thoughts our life is enjoyable. Thoughts do create our experience.

If we have thoughts that ‘we don’t have enough’. Then immediately, we are creating that feeling of not having enough. If we have a thought of inadequacy, that is our present reality. If a millionaire is constantly thinking he needs money, that is his reality – he doesn’t have enough money. If an ordinary person is content with what he has, then that is immediately his reality. Here it is not how much money we have, but what we are thinking of. We can be materially rich, but think we need more. We can be materially poor, but feel we just have enough.

Behind Thought.

Thought is very powerful, more powerful than we realise. But, there is more to our self than thoughts that come across our mind. If we can silence our thought, we can get in touch with our deeper self, our soul. If we can move away from the mind to the heart, then we can allow the power of silence to create a more peaceful experience.

Related

• Irrational thinking – and how to overcome it.

photo, Sri Chinmoy Centre Gallery

There are many different ways to respond to the same situation. Often it is easy to consider ourselves as a victim – a victim of circumstances, a victim of other people, a victim of events. The alternative is to see not ourselves as a victim, but look upon life as a series of experiences. These are a few practical examples of how to look at the world in another light.

Criticism

Often we feel a victim when criticised. Why was person X unpleasant to us?  Why have I been mercilessly criticised for no fault of my own?

There will always be people who say unkind things, but we don’t have to take it to heart. Rather than feel a victim, we can feel that they are just mistaken; and their words can not hurt our real self at all. If we can respond with forgiveness and detachment, we will be happy that we can rise above unkind words.

This might seem easier in theory than practise, but on a practical level, we should be very clear in our mind that this criticism is not warranted. Imagine the words and then cross them out; you could even try writing the negative thoughts down and then cross them out!

If we feel unfairly criticised, take the time to encourage some positive ideas about yourself. If people say you are incompetent, remember all the good things you have done.

It is then a choice, do we take their ill-chosen words and incorrect views to heart? or do we take it as an opportunity to remember who we really are? If we can hold onto a positive (and true) view about ourselves we won’t feel a victim. If anything the person who spreads gossip is the loser; negativity eventually will return to its source.

Why is it Always Me?

Another idea we may frequently feel, is why does it always happen to me? Why do I always have to do the difficult / unpleasant things.

For example, if we feel that it is always us who is cleaning up, there are two things to ask yourself.

1) Am I actually choosing to be the one who always cleans-up? Sometimes, we don’t like doing something, but when someone comes along to offer help, we reject it. Or perhaps someone would be happy to help if we ask, but we never get round to it. We may lack confidence to ask, or we may actually (unconsciously) like to play the role of martyr. There is part of us, who actually likes complaining to ourselves that WE have to be the one to do the hard work. You can think of this as an underlying thought. We don’t like always being the one to do the dirty work, but subconsciously we are actually choosing it.

…But who sincerely wants the elimination of suffering? We are all acting like camels. The camel eats cactus thorns until its mouth bleeds; then it goes and again eats thorns. In some way, consciously or unconsciously, the camel cherishes thorns. We human beings also cherish suffering, unconsciously or consciously. As long as we cherish suffering, there will always remain suffering on earth.

- Sri Chinmoy ¹

On a practical level, visualise someone coming to help. Visualise asking your friends who are then glad to help. Make it clear to others what you are happy to do, but you would like others to also participate. Don’t feel guilty in asking, and don’t make people feel guilty for not guessing you needed help. Put it in a positive light.
“I would be very grateful, if you could help a little…”

When you put it like that, you appeal to people’s good nature and they may well do more than you ask. Sometimes  all you really need to do is to ask!

2) Why not just enjoy doing the cleaning? If the above fails, there is another option. If we have to be the one who cleans up, why not just be happy for the opportunity to clean up? Sometimes we can clean and be really happy; it’s a nice simple job with satisfaction of creating a more beautiful environment. Alternatively, we can clean but spend all the time grumble that we have to do it. We really may have no choice to clean. But, we do have a choice whether to do it willingly and cheerfully or with ill-feeling.

The problem is you may be really determined not want to enjoy the cleaning. Part of you thinks it’s not unfair that I have to do that, and so because it’s unfair I’m going to be unhappy and let everyone else know too.

But, another way of looking at it is – it may be unfair, but that’s not a reason to make myself unhappy. If I can be happy doing this, it will make me stronger.

What ever we find ourselves doing it, try to be happy from the experience. Don’t make yourself feel miserable because there is a feeling of injustice.

Bad Luck

Everyone has bad luck and bad breaks. Some don’t give up at the first time. Just think of a famous person like Abraham Lincoln – not the most attractive person, he suffered a raft of bad luck, however, he never let his bad luck stop him. He just kept trying until he succeeded.

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• How To Stop Negative Thoughts
• How to create a better life