Entries Tagged 'life' ↓
March 4th, 2010 — life
It’s hard to feel self-pity with a view like this
We have all had the experience of being told ’stop feeling sorry for yourself’. It is also something we occasionally say (or at least want to say) to those around us.
Feeling sorry for yourself is a poor state to be in, but, yet human nature means we can often end up wallowing in self-pity.
Why We Feel Sorry For Ourself.
If we can understand why we feel sorry for ourselves then we can work out whether it is justified or helpful.
Injured Pride.
The oft repeated saying ‘pride comes before a fall’ is quite apt. When are pride is hurt, when we feel embarrassed, when we are jealous we can sink into self pity. If we placed less value on our pride and self image, we would be less effected.
Hope for Sympathy / Feeling of guilt.
A large part of feeling sorry for ourselves, is that consciously or unconsciously we are looking for sympathy. Perhaps something unfortunate has happened. By exacerbating our sorrow and misery we feel we will attract more sympathy, love and concern from others. Often we are not really consciously aware that this is our motivation.
Related to the desire for sympathy, is the desire to make others feel guilty. Perhaps someone has caused us problems. We can feel that by displaying our unhappiness, we will make the other party feel suitably guilty, and somehow this will make them do the right thing next time.
If we can honestly analyse our motivation, it can be something of a revelation. Often we fall into a rut of self-pity without really understanding our own inner motivations. But, if these are our motivations for self-pity then we feel it is worth overcoming them.
Self-pity does not
Console one’s mind.
Self-pity cannot
Strengthen one’s heart.
Self-pity only makes one
A real stranger to oneself.
by Sri Chinmoy (1)
How To Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself.
Forget all about it.
When you’re in a rut. You can’t beat just completely forgetting about it or throwing yourself into something else. If we just sit and brood we will never fight the negative cycles of our mind – because it is the nature of the mind to hang onto negativity. But, when we don’t give the mind time to brood, we can easily shrug off the worthless feelings of self-pity.
It’s Not Going to Help
Self pity is often a call for help – a hope for greater love and attention. And we may get it – at least temporarily. But, we have to bear in mind that when we are wallowing in self-pity, many will not want to spend time with us. There is a difference between genuine difficulties and self-made imaginery suffering. False friends will disappear at the first sign of trouble. But, even true friends will get burnt out if we exploit their compassion with persistent self-pity
Feeling Sorry for yourself will not make others change for the better. Our mind may feel that if we make others feel guilty, they will do the right thing. But, human nature rarely works like this. If we try to make others feel guilty we won’t make them do the right thing. In fact, they will just resent us more. To create positive change in others, we ourselves have to be positive ourselves. We need to approach people with positive suggestions for improvements, not with a delicate sense of passive aggressiveness.
Be Happy Not Proud
Feeling sorry for ourselves only makes us unhappy. We have to make a conscious effort to choose happiness. If we forget about the past and live in the present moment, how can we carry around our unfortunate experiences?
Related
References
(1) Excerpt from Twenty-Seven Thousand Aspiration-Plants, Part 203 (poems on self-pity)
Photo Menaka Ait-Ouyahia, Sri Chinmoy Centre Galleries
February 25th, 2010 — life
How poor are they that have not patience!
What wound did ever heal but by degrees?
~William Shakespeare, Othello, 1604
Our previous post was the – long slow transformation of human nature, so I guess a topic on patience is the ideal follow up.
Patience is not exactly the most exciting quality to aspire for. In modern society, patience doesn’t fit well with the hectic pace of life where we become accustomed to quick fixes and on demand entertainment. A society that lives on 2 minute pot noodles and instant text messaging is going to struggle with any ideas of patience. But, for real progress and peace of mind, patience is an indispensable quality. Through patience we can also develop peace of mind and tolerance of others.
Patience With Ourselves
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
~ Chinese Proverb
There is a fine balance between self-indulgence and self-criticism. We need to have patience with ourselves, whilst seeking to become a better person. Some things we cannot expect overnight; we have to do our part which is striving for higher ideals, but, the time when we gain self-mastery is another matter. If we start beating ourselves up for failing to reach imaginary targets, then we only make it even more difficult. If we can maintain a cheerful attitude, without expectation of a certain result then we will make more progress.
The Journey and the Goal.
There is a danger society and our life becomes very results oriented. Success or failure is measured through certain definable goals. With this attitude, achieving the goal becomes all important, everything else is seen as a failure. Patience teaches us that the achievement of the goal is only a partial aspect of life. Patience teaches us to enjoy the journey as much as the results. Thus, we can gain satisfaction from the preparation as much as the goal.
Patience With Others
Patience with others can be either very easy or very difficult. It is very difficult to be patient with others if we expect them to behave in a certain way and meet our self-imposed standards. If we accept we are not responsible for others inner progress then patience becomes much easier. (see: getting on with difficult people)
Patience Can Forget The Past
“There is nothing on earth that can undo the past but patience. If we have patience we can easily undo the past. The past is a morning mist, a meaningless experience in comparison to our future realisation.”
- Sri Chinmoy [1]
We always do things we regret, but, through patience we can easily let the past slip away. Time is a great healer and we just need to be patient.
Cheerful Patience and Reluctant Patience
There is a big difference between a forced patience where we reluctantly wait for something, and a cheerful patience. Sometimes we tolerate a situation because we feel there is no alternative. Or we might think we are being patient, but, inwardly we feel aggrieved to be waiting for so long. A cheerful patience is very different. Here we are not getting annoyed with ourselves or other people. It is this cheerful patience that is the most rewarding
How To Be More Patient
“Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience. ”
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
- If we struggle to be patient with others. Try putting yourself in their shoes. Feel that if you were in their situation, you would have the same challenges and difficulties. Even if you could do something better than others, try to develop sympathy and oneness with their situation.
- Don’t get Joy just from Achieving Targets. The preparation is as important as the end result.
- Don’t put Excess pressure on Yourself. Patience which is calm and measured helps us to achieve anything quicker. If we don’t have patience and get frustrated we only become ineffective.
- Patience Works!
“If I have ever made any valuable discoveries, it has been owing more to patient attention, than to any other talent.”
Isaac Newton (1642 – 1727)
Picture Top: Antara Plabhat, Sri Chinmoy Centre Galleries.
February 19th, 2010 — life
The inevitability of change
Human nature can be like the proverbial tail of a dog. It’s easy to straighten, but, as soon as it appears to be straightened it can rapidly unfurl to it’s original position.
It’s the same with spiritual progress, at times, we can feel we are making tremendous progress, then quite unexpectedly, and for no apparent reason, we have a resurgence of pride, insecurity or whatever it might be, and much to our disappointment we feel we have returned to some starting point.
A curious thing – when things become difficult, we inevitably blame other people. Problems always seem to stem from other people. If only the rest of the world could be saints – how much easier the spiritual life would be!
But, as Sri Chinmoy says:
“I am at once a fool and a rogue when I blame others for my own misdeeds.” [1]
Yet, when we are in a good consciousness, when we are sincerely happy, we can have only good feelings towards others. If other people have difficult qualities, we remain unaffected. This is one of the great differences between struggling and doing well. The old saying a saint looks upon everyone as a saint and a thief sees only others as a thief, is very apt in the spiritual life.
Those who sincerely practise a spiritual life, a life of self-improvement, know the inherent challenges of transforming their own self – not for nothing do the Upanishads state – “The Soul cannot be won by the weakling”. Yet, the periods of struggle do not negate a disciplined life; it should only act as a spur for greater determination. When you have tasted real joy and peace of mind – to lose it seems even more unfortunate. Whatever experience we have had in the past, we can definitely regain. The challenge is in remembering the good times and possibilities and not being weighed down by temporary setbacks.
Sometimes, it feels that the same old difficulties, the same old issues, keep cropping up in different forms. We escape from one difficult person only to find the same foibles in someone else.
But, rather than seeing life as a constant barrage of difficulties, it is perhaps more helpful to see life as a constant opportunity to make different choices. No one is compelling us to choose to see the worst in other people. No one is forcing us to be miserable in the vain hope our egoistic suffering will bring us progress. We can always choose to be happy, we can choose to ignore the wild demands of the un-illumined ego. When we choose the way of the heart – the way of acceptance and listen to our soul, life does not seem such a struggle; our problems can easily dissipate just through changing the way we look on the world.
“We are our own fate-makers. To blame others for the unfavourable conditions of our lives is beneath our dignity.”
- Sri Chinmoy [2]
It is definitely easy to read about the spiritual life, it is easy to know what we should be doing, it is even fairly easy to write about it – but, to actually live the precepts and make the changes permanent in our own nature – that needs formidable patience, and tolerance of our own limitations.
But, just because the transformation of human nature is an a long and arduous journey doesn’t mean it is not worth the effort. To live only with the vital’s desires and ego’s fantasies will never bring us anything more than a fleeting glimpse of an imperfect happiness – not least for those who have seen a glimpse of the soul life.
If only we could transform human nature through writing about it! If verbal verbosity was any guide, I could be singing with the angels by now. But, sometimes, it is good to, at least, know what we should be doing – even if we repeatedly fall short.
Even the loftiest journey has to start with the smallest steps and knowing the right direction is not without importance….
Related
picture: Tejvan, Oxfordshire, 2009
References
[1] (271 – 700 Wisdom Flowers by Sri Chinmoy)
[2] (253 – 700 Wisdom Flowers by Sri Chinmoy)
May 18th, 2009 — life
Enthusiasm and motivation are key principles for getting anything done. If we are motivated and committed we find ways to get round obstacles. If we lack motivation then we easily find difficulties and excuses to give up. To increase our motivation we really need to be clear what we want to do.
These are some tips to Increase Your Motivation
Be Clear What You Wish to Achieve
It is important to know what is important to you. Think carefully about what really matters. If you consciously give something a high priority, then this is half the battle for gaining motivation. We often struggle to gain motivation for an activity / issue because we are not clear in our mind about what we wish to achieve.
- For example, we may go through life with a vague idea it would be good to get up earlier in the morning, but, only if we really see benefits will we have motivation
Just Act!
We can only be fully committed to a certain number of things; we need to prioritise what is important. However, whilst it is important to be aware of life’s priorities, we don’t want to spend too long just thinking. If we sit around planning and thinking, the mind will find innumerable problems and complications which reduce our motivation. The best thing is to get started and through yourself wholeheartedly into a project. Once you get started and focus on a project it develops a certain energy which is self reinforcing.
I teach Economics and many of my students say how worried about the exams they are and how they haven’t time. But, their real problem is just to get started with work and revision. The worst is just sitting around saying how little time they have.
Don’t Rely on External Praise
Often we lack motivation because we feel our efforts are not fully recognised. To be willing to work without praise is a real boon. The secret is to feel the satisfaction from doing the right thing and giving ourselves the opportunity for our self-improvement. We shouldn’t just be motivated for the end result, but, for the challenge of getting there. Be kind to yourself and notice the satisfaction you gain from doing the right thing in the right attitude, this will always be worth more than the fleeting praise of others.
Satisfaction.
Lasting motivation will come when we get joy from doing something. The problem is we often feel worthwhile changes of projects require self-discipline, sacrifice and difficulties. It is this which discourages and de-motivates. We need to change our attitude, rather than thinking of the sacrifice or discipline we need to undergo, focus on the lasting sense of achievement we get.
Remove Distractions
To increase our motivation to do something useful, we often need to avoid the distractions that pull us away into insignificant things. After sitting in front of the TV for one hour flicking through channels or surfing useless internet sites, it is remarkable how much motivation can disappear!
Be of Service
If we just think of ourself then it is hard to do difficult things. However, if we really try to emphasise with others then it is much easier to be motivated to make difficult changes. See: Helping an alcoholic.
Understand Costs and Benefits
We have a tendency to stumble from one crisis to the next. If we get stomach pains we reach for the stomach pills rather than looking at our diet. Often we need motivation for activities where benefits are long term and costs are short term. But, looking after our health, for example, will give much benefit in the long term. We just need to remind ourselves of the costs and benefits.
Look After Your Energy and Health
A fit body is very helpful for any change we wish to make. See: How to Cope with low energy levels
Related Posts
Photo from World Harmony Run site
May 11th, 2009 — life
There are many things that we aspire to do, but, for some reason they remain quite difficult. It is better to have the right intention and be aware of how difficult they are. These are some of the things that are very difficult to do and how we could make them a little more practical.
Admit We’re Wrong
Nearly all of us find it difficult to admit we were wrong. It stems from a false belief that we somehow always expect ourselves to be right. Part of the problem is our pride. We feel embarrassed to admit we get things wrong; we feel it somehow diminishes our own standing. But, to admit we were wrong is a sign of strength, flexibility and humility. People will never think ill of us simply because we admit to making a mistake. The mind’s insistence on trying to justify everything we do merely creates problems for ourselves and others. We need to change our mindset and be happy to admit to mistakes without feelings of guilt or humbled pride.
“Why do we find it so difficult to confess our mistake’s? The immediate answer is fear. What is fear? Fear is something that constantly binds us. Fear is something that constantly tells us that we are entirely different or separate from others, that our existence is only for ourselves.”
- Sri Chinmoy
Be Non Judgemental
We come across many people in life. Some we like, some we develop dislike. Our mind is constantly judging. We judge people on their appearance, on what they say. Then our interactions with them are clouded by our judgement. It is much better to have a clear mind without prejudging others.
Accept Criticism in Good Spirit
Criticism can be an excellent opportunity to learn and develop. Without criticism we may continue to make mistakes and gain a large ego. Yet, despite the benefits of receiving constructive criticism. We feel challenged and personally affronted. We love to receive praise but struggle to deal with criticism.
Be Cheerful under all Circumstances
Life gives us ups and downs, whether we like it or not. There is nothing we can do about our circumstances. Sometimes fate gives us challenging circumstances. Becoming miserable does not help, it only makes the situation more difficult. To remain cheerful in difficult circumstances is a great boon. Cheerfulness can overcome many obstacles and help us to discover light even in seemingly difficult times. But, unfortunately, when things don’t go to plan we start feeling sorry for ourselves and glum. Of course, this does not help; but, this is what we tend to do.
Practise what we Preach
Alas, it is easy to say what we should do, but, it is another thing to do it! If world peace could be attained by good intentions it would be achieved a long time ago. Quite often we know what we should do, we hear our voice of conscience or message from our heart, but, some other force prevents us from doing the right thing.
Even worse, we tell others what to do – when we have no intention of doing it ourselves. Still to have good intentions is a start. What we need to do is talk a little less and act a little more. Putting into effect our good intentions is the real challenge.
Listen
Everyone wants to talk, but, how many have time to listen? Listening is a great art. Just listening to others can help them to work out their problems. They don’t need our advice, but, they may need an opportunity to work out what they should do. If you dominate conversations and always like to have the last word. Sit back and try to listen, especially to those who are shy or need a reliable friend (see: The art of listening)
Do One Thing at a Time
Simplicity and focus is a great virtue. But, we feel if we can try to do 2 things at once we will get more done. Alas, this rarely works, we just get stressed from the demands we place on ourselves; stress that need not be there.
Get Up early in the morning
How beautiful it is to get up at dawn, listening to the dawn chorus before the rush of humanity enters the day. Unfortunately, the body doesn’t always follow our own good intentions. Though you could try these tips to get up early in the morning.
Eat Less Sugar
Another good habit would be to eat less sugar. But, cake tastes good so what can we do? 
May 5th, 2009 — life
Nobody really likes getting older. But, to think of ageing purely as a physical process is to miss the importance of our mental outlook. If we want we can easily remain young at heart – whatever our age.
Sometimes we see someone in his twenties and already he is grumbling like an old man. But, at the same time we see someone in their 70s and they have the life and attitude of a young child. To remain young at heart and forgetful of our outer age is a real blessing which enables us to enjoy life whatever our advancing age may be.
Secrets to Remaining Young at heart
Spend Time With Children.
Children enjoy life from the heart. To see a child’s smile uplifts even the hardest heart. If we spend time with serious old people we will feel a serious old person too.
Don’t Identify your Self with Your Physical Age.
Everyday we look in the mirror and gain the habit of identifying our sense of self with the body. Thus when we see grey hairs and rinkles appearing we feel older – because our body is becoming older. But to remain young in heart and mind, our physical appearance is an irrelevance. We need to break the link between our physical condition and state of mind. We try to keep the body healthy. But, our sense of self should never be dictated by the number of summers this body has seen.
Be Spontaneous.
A childlike attitude is spontaneous and free. A child can take joy in simple things because it is not mentally creating a 5 year plan to buy a new TV. Try to listen to your heart and do things which give you innocent pleasure. Spend less time thinking and more time living in the present moment.
Don’t Spend Time Picking Faults
When we criticise others,
We do not go forward.
We just go backward,
To our greatest shock.
- Sri Chinmoy
It is complaining and grumbling which really gives us a feeling of being old and weary. Unfortunately, as we get older we get into a mental habit of finding fault and criticising the innumerable problems of the world. It is this tendency to be critical which really gives us an ageing outlook. A critical attitude has an impact upon ourselves. It is we who become negative, yet, of course, our criticisms never improve the world.
Be Active
If we are active we don’t have time to get depressed about our old age. Compete with yourself and not others and get joy from transcending your own goals.
Stop Being Guilt of Your Age
I know many people close to me, who really feel bad if you ask them how old they are. They tell their age with such reluctance – as if they had just been diagnosed with some serious illness. Be proud to have more experience and more years under your belt. Becoming older in age is nothing to feel bad about.
April 27th, 2009 — life
The old saying ‘pride comes before a fall’ is no idle old wives tale. It is pride that creates innumerable problems for both ourselves and the rest of the world. Yet, like the proverbial camel unable to stop eating thorns, it is our pride that enslaves us to continuing doing the wrong thing or creating unnecessary unhappiness.
Inflexibility
Our pride can create inflexibility. Because of our pride we are not able to change our mind, but instead we stick on a wrong course of action. We may know our initial decision is wrong, but, because of our pride we are unable or unwilling to back down and take a different course of action. We mistake this stubborness for strength, but actually it is a weakness because we are just unable to take a better course of action.
Always To Be Right.
If we have tremendous pride we don’t like to be proved wrong. This can cause us to justify wrong actions to ourselves. We may even come to believe that they are justified. But, we will spend an inordinate amount of energy in proving to others or ourselves we are right.
Aloofness.
Pride makes us feel aloof and self-sufficient. We feel we can cope without the support, guidance or help of others. We may even try to do things by ourself so that we can claim all the glory for ourselves. But, when we take this solo approach we limit ourselves and create unnecessary difficulties and limitations. John Donne said ‘no man is an island’ But, our pride likes to make us think that we can be a unique person.
Insecurity.
If our self worth is dependent on a sense of pride we become insecure and sensitive to the criticisms of others. Our pride requires constant support and constant bolstering. Pride can consciously or unconsciously encourage us to go fishing for complements. Our pride deeply enjoys flattery but cannot cope with criticism.
Unhappiness.
As Thomas Jefferson said:
“Pride costs more than hunger, thirst and cold.”
Pride invariable creates unhappiness. The feeling of pride is a false happiness. We get a temporary relief from achieving and being thought well of. But, this is unsustainable. Life throws slings and arrows whether we like it or not. Rather than trying to please the false ego we need to be at peace with ourselves whatever the circumstances.
False Modesty.
A more subtle pride is a false modesty – an extreme self depreciation. Pride usually makes us feel we are extra special, really excellent. But, at other times it is our pride which makes us feel guilty and useless. Because we fail to live upto expectations or fail to achieve something, we feel personally a failure.
Alternative to Pride
The alternative to pride is an inner humility. We don’t make a display of our humility (as this can ironically create a sense of pride in how humble we are trying to be). However, if we give little importance to pride we will be able to:
- Benefit from the support and advice of others when it is helpful. At the same time, we will not be thrown by unfair criticism.
- We will get joy from the achievements of others.
- We will gain happiness from our progress and attempt and not just when we succeed.
- We will be able to admit mistakes without feeling guilty.
- We have much greater flexibility and will be much more easy to get on with. It is pride that it is the biggest obstacle in developing good relationships.
- We will value harmony more than being ‘Right’
Related
Photo by Tejvan, Sri Chinmoy Centre galleries.
April 20th, 2009 — life
During the past two weeks I have been in New York for a spiritual holiday. It was an opportunity to meditate and live away from usual distractions and necessities of daily life. It was a good experience to take a break, but, the writing muse deserted me, and time flew past.
We will be resuming our normal posting schedule soon. But, just in brief it is a good reminder that experiencing a totally different situation can help. Sometimes we need a change of scene and people to break old habits and gain different perspectives.
A strong part of human nature is a creature of habit. We go through the same routine, habits and even same thoughts. But, when we are forced to try new things and move out of comfort zone we often realise that our old habits are limiting and there is much more to life.
In particular, I felt no inspiration for spending time on a computer. But, now I’m back in the UK I want to get back into writing.
Related
picture: Pavitrata
March 10th, 2009 — life
A while back I tried a period of not criticising people, it was an interesting experiment, if rather difficult. In a similar vein I thought it would be interesting to see what life is like if we make zero complaints about anything.
We tend to be chronic complainers. We complain about other people, about our work situation, about what is on telly, the fact Gas prices have risen 15%; we complain about what is happening in our life, in our house and around the world. There seems no end in sight to our long list of complaints.
Living without complaining is not burying our head in the sand thinking the world has no problems. The crucial question is – what does complaining achieve? How does constant complaining affect our own life? Does complaining about things we have no control help in any way?
You Can’t Change The World But You Can Change Yourself.
The road to inner peace is never dependent on ironing out all the problems of society and the world first. Governments will always be making bad decisions, buses will always be arriving late, and electronic devices will always be breaking down. If we write down what we most like to complain about, these will probably not change. Some people think that – only if they could move country all their complaints will vanish; but, this is wishful thinking, the problems will be there in other countries just in other forms.
The important thing is to change our attitude. Rather than complain, we can tolerate mistakes of others; rather than complain over silly things, we can maintain an attitude of detachment. We need to love and accept the world as it is. We cannot wait for the world to be perfect before we love. The important thing is to be positive – looking for the good rather than looking for legitimate complaints.
Complaining v Gratitude
When we complain we look for the negative. We give power to our negative thoughts and the world seems a darker place. If we look for the positive, if we aspire to cultivate gratitude for the good in life – our outlook will completely change. We will give power, focus and attention to the good and beautiful. We constantly have choices – either complain or be grateful, only ourselves can make this choice.
Complaining and Mistreatment.
There is a great scene in Fawlty Towers (Waldorf Salad I think) – Two old ladies are served some grizzly old meat; it’s so overcooked they can barely eat it. When Basil Fawlty (John Cleese) asks if they are enjoying their meal they fake a smile and say ‘O, yes Lovely’ But, as soon as he turns his back they screw up their face and spit out the meat. They then start complaining to each other about how bad it is. It is said this is a typical English and Canadian trait – we don’t stand up to bad service. We don’t say anything outwardly, but we bitterly complain inwardly. This reluctance to complain outwardly has not helped; it just means we complain silently and nurse our grievance. If we have a legitimate grievance it is good to politely and calmly express it. It gives chance for the other person to rectify their bad service and it means we are less likely to nurse a perpetual grievance over the overcooked steak a la Fawlty Towers. What we are trying to avoid is the perpetual inner complaining.
Complaining over Things we Have No Control.
There are many things in life which are unjust, unfair and unpleasant. We tend to be drawn to to the negative things we see around us and instinctively we start to complain about everything that is wrong. But, our complaints do not make an iota of difference. They do not change the problem, we just become depressed at the problems in life. There is a big difference between complaining and doing something about it. The old maxim ‘actions speak louder than words’ is oft repeated but, there is much wisdom in that saying. Complaining is essentially a negative act with no positive energy to change things.
Complaints are Often misinformed.
Often we complain but we maybe complain on false premises. We love to complain about higher taxes, but, if we didn’t have higher spending on public services like education and health care, we would be complaining about that. – It’s easy to complain, it’s more difficult to do something about it.
Another example. We may complain about a difficult person. However, that person could be forcing us to face up to our own weaknesses. Often when we dislike some thing about another person their fault exists in our own nature. Rather than complaining we have to learn to deal with difficult people; it may be an opportunity in disguise.
Complaints Don’t Solve Anything
If we tell the waiter the tea is cold, he can heat it up. But, most of our complaints do nothing to solve anything. We complain about the amount of litter on the street, but, do we ever pick up any litter? We can complain until we are blue in the face about the state of the economy and the government, but this will do nothing to make our life better. If we spent the same energy from complaints into something positive, we would have a chance to make a significant improvement to our life and people around us.
Complaining is essential a negative non-constructive activity which focuses us to focus on the negativity, it also often embodies a feeling of powerlessness.
Related
photo by Pavitrata, Sri Chinmoy Centre galleries
March 2nd, 2009 — happiness, life
Do you want
To be happy,
Learn the beautiful art
Of self-encouragement.
- Sri Chinmoy
It is a fine balance between self encouragement and self-criticism. To honestly evaluate ourselves is a difficult task. We tend to either conveniently ignore our own faults or become too harsh on ourselves for small inconsequential things. We need a balance of self-encouragement and honest self-appraisal; getting the right balance is not so easy.
Tips for Self Criticism
Don’t Be Ashamed of your Faults.
If we can’t be honest with ourself who can we be honest with? The mind can be good at justifying our wrong actions and behaviour. But, clever self-justification is of no benefit in the long run. If we can be aware of our own pride, jealousy, insecurities then we have a chance to let go of them. But, if we always justify our wrong attitudes to ourself then we are lost.
Avoid Guilt.
One of the reasons we may seek to ignore our faults is that we feel guilty. Rather than feeling guilty we avoid criticising ourself. However, it is better to be self-critical without feelings of guilt. Guilt is an emotion that doesn’t help but makes us feel more inadequate. Become aware of what you want to change and see it is a positive movement.
Not self-contempt
But self-improvement
Has to be
Our continuous choice.
- Sri Chinmoy
Don’t Judge By The Values of Others.
The biggest problem is that we start to judge ourselves by the standards of others. Our friends may have been put out because of something we did. Therefore, they try to make us feel guilty. Because others are critical of us, we feel obliged to feel guilty too. But, we have to be firm and reject others’ criticisms – if they are not justified. In the eyes of the world we may have done something wrong. But, only we know our inner attitude. We may have done something with the best of intentions and motivations, but, because of circumstances beyond our control, thing turn out badly. The world will criticise us, but, we know we did our best. How can we criticise ourselves for bad luck or circumstances beyond our control?
- At the same time, we may get praise when we don’t deserve it.
- Also, although we shouldn’t accept the misinformed critisims of others. We should be open to the suggestions of others. Often people can see things about ourselves that we can’t. Don’t be too proud to take advice / suggestions / criticism from others. It is not a sign of weakness to listen to other people. Our sincerity will know whether they are telling the truth or not.
Judge Motives rather than Outcome.
As mentioned in the previous point it is our inner attitude which is important. A small action done selflessly without expectation of reward is worth more than egoistic selfish actions which may appear to have a better outcome. It is our inner attitude that we need to be aware of.
Remain Balanced.
When we start to criticise ourself it is easy to lose a sense of proportion and start beating ourselves up over a small issue. This is a real mistake. We might make small mistakes but, making them into big problems just makes the situation worse. Never lose a sense of proportion and don’t magnify small problems. At the same time don’t be dismissive of actions that are causing pain to others.
Self Criticism and Self Encouragement.
Focusing on the negative doesn’t help. The most effective self-criticism is to also learn the art of self-encouragement. Be aware of the good selfless deeds and thoughts you have and give these more importance. If we strengthen our good qualities then this will take care of most of our weaknesses. The positive approach is by far the best way to help our self-improvement.
photo by Pavitrata
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