Entries Tagged 'communication' ↓

It seems in life, misunderstanding is easy to occur. Misunderstandings can create unnecessary conflict and unhappiness; often this results from a suspicious mind and unfairly assigning motives.

These are suggestions for preventing and resolving misunderstanding.

1. Don’t Suspect

Misunderstandings often arise because we suspect the worst. We may feel that someone has a negative attitude towards us, when actually they don’t. The mind can be tricky, we can easily build up a negative image of someone, yet, it is an impression which is false or at least only partially true. Often this stems from a lack of self confidence. Because we doubt ourselves we assume that people are liable to be thinking badly about us. Another example is when we take lack of praise as a sign people think negatively of us. Just because someone doesn’t offer praise outwardly, doesn’t mean that they don’t like us.

2. Talk honestly

Most misunderstandings can be resolved by talking with other people. Meeting a person and talking of issues, often shows that our mind’s imaginings were quite false. Be wary of communicating via email; it is a very impersonal form of communication. There is no body language and it is much easier to create misunderstandings. Sometimes we can say something, but, it is our facial expression and eyes that offer the real meaning of what we are trying to convey.

3. Use the heart

The mind will always find conflict, problems and doubts. We need to use the heart and concentrate on things which unite. Here the heart is the aspect which does not judge or criticise but seeks oneness. Outwardly a person may create negative connotations; if this is the case use the heart to silently concentrate on the inner qualities of the other person.

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I wish conversations skills were taught at school. We spend most of our life talking, and yet many people remain in the dark on this essential life skill. There are many suggestions for developing conversation skills, but, the most important is a sensitivity to the other person. We need to be able to adapt our conversation to whoever we speak with. We need to develop the right balance between talking and bringing out the best in the other person. If we can avoid being egotistical and consider the interests of others they will instinctively enjoy talking with us. If we offer boring conversation, we will only attract boring people to speak with.

Some Tips for Effective Conversation:

1. Avoiding Unnecessary Detail.

Suppose you are a cyclist and a non cyclist asks you about your new bike. What they are wanting is a brief description - like what colour is it? how much does it weigh? how much did it cost? did it come with free sachets of EPO? In all probability they are not interested in your bike at all, but, are asking out of politeness. Therefore, don’t bother them with detail they do not understand and don’t care for. The 674 gram, 20 gear Shimano Dura Ace STI groupset may be fascinating to you; but, it means nothing to the non cyclist. If you go on about the technical detail it will only bore the other person senseless. If you really feel you have to share the latest Shimano groupset mechanism, at least, find another cyclist. When we talk in great detail about our hobby / work / speciality we feel we are very knowledgeable - that is true, we are very knowledgeable, but, it makes for very boring conversation. Don’t show off with technical knowledge, be considerate of the other person.

2. Communication is a 50 - 50 process.

One of the biggest mistakes is to dominate a conversation and not give the other person a chance to speak. Remember the difference between a conversation and a lecture. If you find yourself dominating 70-80% of conversations you should think very carefully about whether you are not just boring other people. A very effective way to improve conversation skills is to ask yourself - Would I want to speak to myself? i.e. how would you feel if you came up against another person who always wants to have the last word and dominate the conversation? Unfortunately, those who love to dominate the conversation often seem the least likely to engage in critical self inquiry. Avoid the monologue, unless you are very witty or very interesting.

“It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much.”

- Yogi Berra

3. Smile

Smiling is a simple but effective strategy to improve any conversation. This helps put the other person at ease; it is a clear signal that you are happy to be speaking with the other person. Smiling also helps ourselves; smiling gives us self confidence and helps put us in the right frame of mind. I would say it is better to force a smile than remain glum and miserable.

4. Avoid Strong Political / Religious views

To impose strong political / religious views is one of the biggest conversation killers. If it is not necessary to state political views and religious views then avoid doing it. Also be sensitive to the opinions of other people, if you know someone has strong opinions on controversial topics avoid challenging them and bringing a divisive element to the conversation; look for topics of shared interest. You are not going to change their long cherished belief’s so at best it will be a futile gesture; at worst they will be upset and avoid future conversations.

5. Criticise by asking questions

Take a tip from great thinkers like Benjamin Franklin and Socrates. Don’t criticise directly. Merely ask questions, which sow seeds of doubt in the mind of the other person. This is a much more effective than directly criticising. With this method you can criticise without causing any offence.

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Everywhere we look we see issues dividing the inhabitants of this tiny planet - red states and blue states, religious people versus atheists, left versus right - not to mention the many emotive social issues that often puts people at daggers drawn against one another.

The unfortunate thing that the acrimony of these debates often prevent us from seeing those ‘on the other side’ as real people - people with hopes, dreams, feelings and problems just like us - and instead we choose as our social circle people with the same ideas and views. In this climate, it seems a miracle that there are still people who can stay friends despite having wildly different viewpoints - but there are, and the world is a better place for it. So, here are a few thoughts on keeping alive that flame of mutual respect and appreciation and not letting differences of opinion consume your friendship.

Resist the temptation to stereotype

Too often we are prone to characterize opposing political or religious viewpoints in a couple of contemptuous lines. In addition to its dehumanising effect, this summary often tends to be a distillation of all that we see ‘bad’ in the other position and can make people who hold that position seem much more extreme, so the two opposing positions seem impossible to bridge.

I was reminded of this when I watched a video of an extremely entertaining and illumining play, called Jefferson and Adams, describing the legendary relationship between the second and third Presidents of the United States. Originally close friends who worked together to draft the Declaration of Independence, they soon found their relationship increasingly strained due to their political positions - Adams was on the Federalist side which favoured closer ties with Great Britain and more centralized control, whereas the Republicans were led by Jefferson and favoured minimalist government. The relationship between the two very quickly deteriorated, the low point being the extremely acrimonious Presidential election of 1800 where the two sides characterized each other in most unfavourable (and often untrue) terms - it was so bad that afterwards Adams could not bring himself to attend Jefferson’s inauguration.

However, later on in life Jefferson and Adams reconciled and wrote long and touching letters to each other, which the play uses to create a dialogue between the two - one very moving scene is where they realise the stereotype they created of each other’s positions. “Did you really think I wanted to have an American King?” Adams asks; “Did you really think I wanted to have lawless mobs on the streets?” replies Jefferson, both with great sadness in their voices, as they recalled how this scaremongering on both sides misrepresented what they actually felt.

You can resist this temptation to stereotype by taking a couple of minutes to stand in your friend’s shoes. With your heart, really try to empathise with him or her, and why she feels the way she does. With the heart, you can also feel the qualities that made you friends in the first place, qualities that go far beyond any simple stereotype and transcend their stance on any particular issue. Continue reading →

There is more to listening than meets the eye, or rather, the ear. Listening is not merely hearing what the other person says, but also comprises understanding what that person says on a deeper level and reacting adequately to it. Many communication failures, hurt feelings and misunderstandings result from the inability to listen properly. Our relationships and dealings with other people will become much more fruitful and fulfilling if we study and learn the art of listening. For listening is an art unto itself. There are several things to bear in mind in order to become a good listener.

1. Never interrupt.

It is considered rude and ill-mannered to butt in while the other person is still speaking. Let him finish what he has to say and then make your remark. Your patience and good manners will be appreciated.

2. Really listen to what is said, rather than just hearing it.

There is a great difference between hearing and listening. In hearing the information goes in one ear and often comes out the other. In listening we allow the words to sink in deeper. In our mind’s eye we try to picture what the other person is telling us. Listening therefore demands concentration and undivided attention. Listening takes some effort, whereas hearing does not.

3. Do not judge.

Try to keep an open mind towards what is being said and keep personal judgements to yourself. Acceptance and tolerance of others’ opinions are not only laudable virtues, but also help the other person feel comfortable and relaxed and give him the chance to speak his mind freely, without being afraid of what you will think of him.

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