It is not by chance that we find ourselves happy or miserable. Over 2,500 years ago, the Lord Buddha left us this unmistakable truth:

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. 
If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. 
If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, 
happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him. ”

These are the simple tips to cultivate happiness – a happiness that doesn’t depend on external circumstances.

Be Happy Where you Are.

We often talk about the importance of being in the ‘here and now’. But, what do we actually mean by this? The nature of our mind is that it is often planning for happiness in the future. If we get that degree, job, relationship, if we can only move to where reasonable people live e.t.c – then we will be happy. But, with this attitude of planning for future happiness, means it will always remain elusive – like chasing a shadow.

We need to be happy whereever we are. Even in the most difficult of situations there are opportunities to be a little more cheerful and a little less frustrated. Don’t allow small things to knock you off balance, as this frustration can spoil the rest of our day.

Be Happy with your work.

A problem is that we often associate happiness with pleasure, rest and lying on beach in some far off tropical paradise. Well, there’s nothing wrong with a tropical paradise. But, unless you happen to own an island in the Bahamas, your fate will place you in different circumstances. Work is necessary and  no matter how repetitive or difficult it maybe, take pride in it. Be conscious of the ability to gain satisfaction from doing a good job and serving other people.

There are times when we can be happy from a mundane activity such as washing dishes. It is such a simple task, but if we can do it cheerfully, (without complaining that someone else should have been doing it), then we will really be able to cultivate real happiness.

Part of the problem is just being aware that we can be happy even in mundane situations. Focusing entirely on the job at hand, can help us to forget the inevitable ruminations of the mind.

Society places a subtle pressure to compare ourselves with other people. When we compare we will never be satisfied. There will always be someone better off than us; there will always be someone who seems more successful. As soon as we start comparing, jealousy and frustration inevitably follow. Avoid comparing with others. Instead, learn the art of self confidence and self-respect.

Do not compare
If you want to be happy.
Do not blame
If you want to be happy.

- Sri Chinmoy

If you find yourself subject to jealousy, the best way to overcome it is by sincerely appreciating the good qualities / achievements of others. Appreciating the good qualities of others is the best way to learn them yourself

Smiling in the Face of Adversity

Life has a habit of putting is together with difficult people. Is there anyone who has the pleasure of just living with saints? – of course not … If you find your happiness challenged by other people, escaping from them will merely switch one problem for another. Keep smiling, and silently offer your good will. Don’t spend your time analysing and criticising their faults. Let the negative qualities have no impact on you.

The Heart – Mind and Meditation

As the first quote by Lord Buddha suggests, it is our thought and state of mind that determines our inner life. If we are subject to a negative train of thoughts, we will slowly but steadily become miserable. The art of happiness is to lessen the impact of our negative mind. It is not about just repeating positive mantras by rote; We are trying to bring the heart to the fore. This is just simply the more divine, peaceful part of our nature. There are times when our heart comes to the fore even without trying – this could be in the beauty of nature, listening to sublime music – But, at times we need to make the effort.

Try these simple exercises:

• Meditation on the heart can make us consciously aware of this inner happiness.
• Learning to control our thoughts. Difficult, but definitely possible. There are few better things that we can learn to do.

The great paradox is that by being aware of our state of mind, we can learn to be happy without reason – or at least happiness for no external reason.

True happiness
Is not a mental hallucination.
True happiness
Is not a complacent feeling.
True happiness
Is the spontaneous feeling of joy
That comes from knowing
You are doing the right thing
And leading a divine life.

- Sri Chinmoy

Related

• Source of Happiness
• False Happiness – Real Happiness
• Poems – Happiness

photo by Tejvan

It’s hard to feel self-pity with a view like this

We have all had the experience of being told ’stop feeling sorry for yourself’. It is also something we occasionally say (or at least want to say) to those around us.

Feeling sorry for yourself is a poor state to be in, but, yet human nature means we can often end up wallowing in self-pity.

Why We Feel Sorry For Ourself.

If we can understand why we feel sorry for ourselves then we can work out whether it is justified or helpful.

Injured Pride.

The oft repeated saying ‘pride comes before a fall’ is quite apt. When are pride is hurt, when we feel embarrassed, when we are jealous we can sink into self pity. If we placed less value on our pride and self image, we would be less effected.
Hope for Sympathy / Feeling of guilt.

A large part of feeling sorry for ourselves, is that consciously or unconsciously we are looking for sympathy. Perhaps something unfortunate has happened. By exacerbating our sorrow and misery we feel we will attract more sympathy, love and concern from others. Often we are not really consciously aware that this is our motivation.

Related to the desire for sympathy, is the desire to make others feel guilty. Perhaps someone has caused us problems. We can feel that by displaying our unhappiness, we will make the other party feel suitably guilty, and somehow this will make them do the right thing next time.

If we can honestly analyse our motivation, it can be something of a revelation. Often we fall into a rut of self-pity without really understanding our own inner motivations. But, if these are our motivations for self-pity then we feel it is worth overcoming them.

Self-pity does not
Console one’s mind.
Self-pity cannot
Strengthen one’s heart.
Self-pity only makes one
A real stranger to oneself.

by Sri Chinmoy (1)

How To Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself.

Forget all about it.

When you’re in a rut. You can’t  beat just completely forgetting about it or throwing yourself into something else. If we just sit and brood we will never fight the negative cycles of our mind – because it is the nature of the mind to hang onto negativity. But, when we don’t give the mind time to brood, we can easily shrug off the worthless feelings of self-pity.

It’s Not Going to Help

Self pity is often a call for help – a hope for greater love and attention. And we may get it – at least temporarily. But, we have to bear in mind that when we are wallowing in self-pity, many will not want to spend time with us. There is a difference between genuine difficulties and self-made imaginery suffering. False friends will disappear at the first sign of trouble. But, even true friends will get burnt out if we exploit their compassion with persistent self-pity

Feeling Sorry for yourself will not make others change for the better. Our mind may feel that if we make others feel guilty, they will do the right thing. But, human nature rarely works like this. If we try to make others feel guilty we won’t make them do the right thing. In fact, they will just resent us more. To create positive change in others, we ourselves have to be positive ourselves. We need to approach people with positive suggestions for improvements, not with a delicate sense of passive aggressiveness.

Be Happy Not Proud

Feeling sorry for ourselves only makes us unhappy. We have to make a conscious effort to choose happiness. If we forget about the past and live in the present moment, how can we carry around our unfortunate experiences?

Related

• 10 Tips  to get out of a Rut
• Effective ways To Get out of a Negative Mindset

References

(1) Excerpt from Twenty-Seven Thousand Aspiration-Plants, Part 203 (poems on self-pity)

Photo Menaka Ait-Ouyahia, Sri Chinmoy Centre Galleries

How poor are they that have not patience!
What wound did ever heal but by degrees?

~William Shakespeare, Othello, 1604

Our previous post was the – long slow transformation of human nature, so I guess a topic on patience is the ideal follow up.

Patience is not exactly the most exciting quality to aspire for. In modern society, patience doesn’t fit well with the hectic pace of life where we become accustomed to quick fixes and on demand entertainment. A society that lives on 2 minute pot noodles and instant text messaging is going to struggle with any ideas of patience. But, for real progress and peace of mind, patience is an indispensable quality. Through patience we can also develop peace of mind and tolerance of others.

Patience With Ourselves

One moment of patience may ward off great disaster.  One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.

~ Chinese Proverb

There is a fine balance between self-indulgence and self-criticism. We need to have patience with ourselves, whilst seeking to become a better person. Some things we cannot expect overnight; we have to do our part which is striving for higher ideals, but, the time when we gain self-mastery is another matter. If we start beating ourselves up for failing to reach imaginary targets, then we only make it even more difficult. If we can maintain a cheerful attitude, without expectation of a certain result then we will make more progress.

The Journey and the Goal.

There is a danger society and our life becomes very results oriented. Success or failure is measured through certain definable goals. With this attitude, achieving the goal becomes all important, everything else is seen as a failure. Patience teaches us that the achievement of the goal is only a partial aspect of life. Patience teaches us to enjoy the journey as much as the results. Thus, we can gain satisfaction from the preparation as much as the goal.

Patience With Others

Patience with others can be either very easy or very difficult. It is very difficult to be patient with others if we expect them to behave in a certain way and meet our self-imposed standards. If we accept we are not responsible for others inner progress then patience becomes much easier. (see: getting on with difficult people)

Patience Can Forget The Past

“There is nothing on earth that can undo the past but patience. If we have patience we can easily undo the past. The past is a morning mist, a meaningless experience in comparison to our future realisation.”

- Sri Chinmoy [1]

We always do things we regret, but, through patience we can easily let the past slip away. Time is a great healer and we just need to be patient.

Cheerful Patience and Reluctant Patience

There is a big difference between a forced patience where we reluctantly wait for something, and a cheerful patience. Sometimes we tolerate a situation because we feel there is no alternative. Or we might think we are being patient, but, inwardly we feel aggrieved to be waiting for so long. A cheerful patience is very different. Here we are not getting annoyed with ourselves or other people. It is this cheerful patience that is the most rewarding

How To Be More Patient

“Adopt the pace of nature:  her secret is patience. ”

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

• If we struggle to be patient with others. Try putting yourself in their shoes. Feel that if you were in their situation, you would have the same challenges and difficulties. Even if you could do something better than others, try to develop sympathy and oneness with their situation.
• Don’t get Joy just from Achieving Targets. The preparation is as important as the end result.
• Don’t put Excess pressure on Yourself. Patience which is calm and measured helps us to achieve anything quicker. If we don’t have patience and get frustrated we only become ineffective.
• Patience Works!

“If I have ever made any valuable discoveries, it has been owing more to patient attention, than to any other talent.”

Isaac Newton (1642 – 1727)

Picture Top: Antara Plabhat, Sri Chinmoy Centre Galleries.

The inevitability of change

Human nature can be like the proverbial tail of a dog. It’s easy to straighten, but, as soon as it appears to be straightened it can rapidly unfurl to it’s original position.

It’s the same with spiritual progress, at times, we can feel we are making tremendous progress, then quite unexpectedly, and for no apparent reason, we have a resurgence of pride, insecurity or whatever it might be, and much to our disappointment we feel we have returned to some starting point.

A curious thing – when things become difficult, we inevitably blame other people. Problems always seem to stem from other people. If only the rest of the world could be saints – how much easier the spiritual life would be!

But, as Sri Chinmoy says:

“I am at once a fool and a rogue when I blame others for my own misdeeds.” [1]

Yet, when we are in a good consciousness, when we are sincerely happy, we can have only good feelings towards others. If other people have difficult qualities, we remain unaffected. This is one of the great differences between struggling and doing well. The old saying a saint looks upon everyone as a saint and a thief sees only others as a thief, is very apt in the spiritual life.

Those who sincerely practise a spiritual life, a life of self-improvement, know the inherent challenges of transforming their own self – not for nothing do the Upanishads state – “The Soul cannot be won by the weakling”. Yet, the periods of struggle do not negate a disciplined life; it should only act as a spur for greater determination. When you have tasted real joy and peace of mind – to lose it seems even more unfortunate. Whatever experience we have had in the past, we can definitely regain. The challenge is in remembering the good times and possibilities and not being weighed down by temporary setbacks.

Sometimes, it feels that the same old difficulties, the same old issues, keep cropping up in different forms. We escape from one difficult person only to find the same foibles in someone else.

But, rather than seeing life as a constant barrage of difficulties, it is perhaps more helpful to see life as a constant opportunity to make different choices. No one is compelling us to choose to see the worst in other people. No one is forcing us to be miserable in the vain hope our egoistic suffering will bring us progress. We can always choose to be happy, we can choose to ignore the wild demands of the un-illumined ego. When we choose the way of the heart – the way of acceptance and listen to our soul, life does not seem such a struggle; our problems can easily dissipate just through changing the way we look on the world.

“We are our own fate-makers. To blame others for the unfavourable conditions of our lives is beneath our dignity.”

- Sri Chinmoy [2]

It is definitely easy to read about the spiritual life, it is easy to know what we should be doing, it is even fairly easy to write about it – but, to actually live the precepts and make the changes permanent in our own nature – that needs formidable patience, and tolerance of our own limitations.

But, just because the transformation of human nature is an a long and arduous journey doesn’t mean it is not worth the effort. To live only with the vital’s desires and ego’s fantasies will never bring us anything more than a fleeting glimpse of an imperfect happiness – not least for those who have seen a glimpse of the soul life.

If only we could transform human nature through writing about it! If verbal verbosity was any guide, I could be singing with the angels by now. But, sometimes, it is good to, at least, know what we should be doing – even if we repeatedly fall short.

Even the loftiest journey has to start with the smallest steps and knowing the right direction is not without importance….

Related

• Effective ways to get out of a negative mindset
• Dealing with difficult people

picture: Tejvan, Oxfordshire, 2009

References

[1] (271 – 700 Wisdom Flowers by Sri Chinmoy)

[2] (253 – 700 Wisdom Flowers by Sri Chinmoy)

Hydrangea

I have not written on meditation for a while. I have been busy offering free meditation classes in my home town of Oxford and in York. I always learn quite a few things when giving meditation classes. These are some tips which will help learning your meditation.

Regularity.

If we want to enjoy listening to a music concert, we can take part whenever we feel like it. But, if we want to perform in a classical music concert we would expect to practise everyday. To develop our meditation capacity, it is important to practise at least once a day. Sometimes, our meditation, may feel unproductive; it feels like we are not getting anywhere. But, these more difficult times are just as important as the times when meditation seems effortless. We cannot expect to eat the most delicious food everyday, but, still we need to eat everyday. With regularity, and if possible, punctuality, we will be able to make the fastest progress.

Meditating with others.

To meditate with others, we can benefit from their silence and their focus. We consciously or unconscioulsy benefit from the meditative consciousness that builds up. So these group sessions can be beneficial to our own practise.

One Four Two exercise.

In Meditation, Sri Chinmoy describes this powerful breathing exercise.

The rhythm of your breathing is most important. If you breathe in for one second or for one repetition of the name of the Supreme, then you should hold the breath for four seconds or four repetitions. Then, when you breathe out, it should be for two seconds or the time it takes you to repeat the name of the Supreme twice. The breathing should be done softly and silently. When you breathe in and out, you should do it so gently that, even if there were a thread right in front of your nose, your breathing would not move it.

In normal breathing both of our nostrils are usually functioning. But when we breathe properly through alternate nostrils, we get immediate relief from mental anxiety, worries, depression and many other things that cause disturbances in our nature. Alternate nostril breathing is a most important breathing exercise. We start by using our right thumb to close our right nostril. Next we breathe in with the left nostril, silently repeating the name of God, Supreme or puraka, just once. Then we close the left nostril with the fourth finger of the right hand, and with both nostrils closed, silently repeat the name of God, Supreme or kumbhaka four times while holding the breath. Finally we lift the thumb from the right nostril, still keeping the left nostril closed, and exhale, repeating God, Supreme or rechaka twice. (from: Pranayama)

I find it very helpful for meditation. It gives my mind two things to focus on:
My breathing and counting the mantra. I find this very effective for absorption in the meditation exercise.

Like all meditation exercises, it is important to not just do this mechanically. It is not like counting sheep when we are trying to get to sleep. We repeat the mantra with soulfulness and the aspiration that the mantra embodies a certain quality. You can choose Supreme, Aum or anything that inspires you most.

• An Introduction to Meditation
• Basic Steps of learning meditation

Smiling helps any conversation

Sometimes silence is a much underrated quality but, everything has its time and place. Good communication is essential for dealing with others.

These are some tips for better communication.

Tips for Speech / Conversation.

Avoid unnecessary words.

We peppar our speech with unnecessary words. “you know some people say….” I mean…”  Sometimes less is more, these extra words can also sound condescending. Speak plainly.

Speak clearly.

There is nothing more frustrating than a conversation which is half heard. Always try to speak clearly. If someone asks you to repeat yourself once, make a special effort, because often people will not ask more than once out of a sense of embarrassment.

Be wary of speaking harshly.

If you are really disappointed with someone, you can express your disappointment / frustration without anger / bitterness. The other person will be much more receptive to your message delivered with sweetness – - or at least the absence of anger and disgust. Sometimes it is more beneficial to take the compassionate approach rather than the justice approach. People may deserve a harsh lesson, but, would it actually help?

Avoiding unnecessary communication.

It is good to communicate well, but, you can have too much of a good thing. Don’t bombard friends with unnecessary text messages. Be confident in your friendship rather than looking for constant reassurance.

Method of Communication

In a digital age, we tend to gravitate towards the most convenient communication. But, the most convenient communication can be the least personal and least effective. An electronic message has much greater scope for misinterpretation and misunderstanding than speaking to someone in person. The next time you say something satirical / sarcastic to a friend try imagine sending that message in an email. You can guarantee without the benefit of facial expression / human contact the message would be misinterpreted.

Difficult Communication.

There are many times when we want to say something, but, put it off because of – nervousness, a desire to avoid difficult situations, or a feeling of guilt for having to tell someone off. But, putting off communication often just makes it worse. What tends to happen is that when we put off speaking to someone our mind just magnifies the problems, turning a small issue into a big problem. Our mind speculates on many adverse reactions which are false. If we find ourself in this situation, the best thing is to speak sooner rather than later.

Suggestions for Difficult Communication

• Let go of negative expectations – they will probably be wrong anyway.
• Just speak with kind intentions. If you have the other persons best wishes at heart, then whatever you have to say will be easier to say. Also, if you have good will towards the other person, then you can easily let go of all guilt that may be blocking you from speaking to that person.
• Remember the positive things that will occur from bringing up difficult situations. The other person may appreciate your intervention at some time – even if not now.
• Let go of a feeling of pride. Don’t feel the conversation is about having to defend yourself, prove yourself and put the other person down. This kind of attitude is guaranteed to create an awkward situation. Be self-giving and give no importance to silly human pride.

It’s not what you Say, but how you Say it.

Suppose you have to tell someone they have been doing something wrong. There are two approaches. The first is to exaggerate the extent of their mistake and try to make them feel guilty for doing such a silly thing. The other approach is to start off by saying it is the kind of mistake you could have made yourself. Even if you say a white lie and say you once did the same thing, who will be hurt?

If you think about both approaches, you will know exactly how you would want to be treated should someone tell about your misdemeanours.

Give the person your undivided attention.

It may seem obvious, but, often when we are speaking we are subconsciously thinking of something else. I have even skyped someone and during the conversation I heard them typing away in the background. If you are going to speak to someone give that person your wholehearted attention.

Enthusiasm and motivation are key principles for getting anything done. If we are motivated and committed we find ways to get round obstacles. If we lack motivation then we easily find difficulties and excuses to give up. To increase our motivation we really need to be clear what we want to do.

These are some tips to Increase Your Motivation

Be Clear What You Wish to Achieve

It is important to know what is important to you. Think carefully about what really matters. If you consciously give something a high priority, then this is half the battle for gaining motivation. We often struggle to gain motivation for an activity / issue because we are not clear in our mind about what we wish to achieve.

• For example, we may go through life with a vague idea it would be good to get up earlier in the morning, but, only if we really see benefits will we have motivation

Just Act!

We can only be fully committed to a certain number of things; we need to prioritise what is important. However, whilst it is important to be aware of life’s priorities, we don’t want to spend too long just thinking. If we sit around planning and thinking, the mind will find innumerable problems and complications which reduce our motivation. The best thing is to get started and through yourself wholeheartedly into a project. Once you get started and focus on a project it develops a certain energy which is self reinforcing.

I teach Economics and many of my students say how worried about the exams they are and how they haven’t time. But, their real problem is just to get started with work and revision. The worst is just sitting around saying how little time they have.

Don’t Rely on External Praise

Often we lack motivation because we feel our efforts are not fully recognised. To be willing to work without praise is a real boon. The secret is to feel the satisfaction from doing the right thing and giving ourselves the opportunity for our self-improvement. We shouldn’t just be motivated for the end result, but, for the challenge of getting there. Be kind to yourself and notice the satisfaction you gain from doing the right thing in the right attitude, this will always be worth more than the fleeting praise of others.

Satisfaction.

Lasting motivation will come when we get joy from doing something. The problem is we often feel worthwhile changes of projects require self-discipline, sacrifice and difficulties. It is this which discourages and de-motivates. We need to change our attitude, rather than thinking of the sacrifice or discipline we need to undergo, focus on the lasting sense of achievement we get.

Remove Distractions

To increase our motivation to do something useful, we often need to avoid the distractions that pull us away into insignificant things. After sitting in front of the TV for one hour flicking through channels or surfing useless internet sites, it is remarkable how much motivation can disappear!

Be of Service

If we just think of ourself then it is hard to do difficult things. However, if we really try to emphasise with others then it is much easier to be motivated to make difficult changes. See: Helping an alcoholic.

Understand Costs and Benefits

We have a tendency to stumble from one crisis to the next. If we get stomach pains we reach for the stomach pills rather than looking at our diet. Often we need motivation for activities where benefits are long term and costs are short term. But, looking after our health, for example, will give much benefit in the long term. We just need to remind ourselves of the costs and benefits.

Look After Your Energy and Health

A fit body is very helpful for any change we wish to make. See: How to Cope with low energy levels

Related Posts

• The infectious power of enthusiasm
• Regaining lost inspiration

Photo from World Harmony Run site

There are many things that we aspire to do, but, for some reason they remain quite difficult. It is better to have the right intention and be aware of how difficult they are. These are some of the things that are very difficult to do and how we could make them a little more practical.

Admit We’re Wrong

Nearly all of us find it difficult to admit we were wrong. It stems from a false belief that we somehow always expect ourselves to be right. Part of the problem is our pride. We feel embarrassed to admit we get things wrong; we feel it somehow diminishes our own standing. But, to admit we were wrong is a sign of strength, flexibility and humility. People will never think ill of us simply because we admit to making a mistake. The mind’s insistence on trying to justify everything we do merely creates problems for ourselves and others. We need to change our mindset and be happy to admit to mistakes without feelings of guilt or humbled pride.

“Why do we find it so difficult to confess our mistake’s? The immediate answer is fear. What is fear? Fear is something that constantly binds us. Fear is something that constantly tells us that we are entirely different or separate from others, that our existence is only for ourselves.”

- Sri Chinmoy

Be Non Judgemental

We come across many people in life. Some we like, some we develop dislike. Our mind is constantly judging. We judge people on their appearance, on what they say. Then our interactions with them are clouded by our judgement. It is much better to have a clear mind without prejudging others.

Accept Criticism in Good Spirit

Criticism can be an excellent opportunity to learn and develop. Without criticism we may continue to make mistakes and gain a large ego. Yet, despite the benefits of receiving constructive criticism. We feel challenged and personally affronted. We love to receive praise but struggle to deal with criticism.

Be Cheerful under all Circumstances

Life gives us ups and downs, whether we like it or not. There is nothing we can do about our circumstances. Sometimes fate gives us challenging circumstances. Becoming miserable does not help, it only makes the situation more difficult. To remain cheerful in difficult circumstances is a great boon. Cheerfulness can overcome many obstacles and help us to discover light even in seemingly difficult times. But, unfortunately, when things don’t go to plan we start feeling sorry for ourselves and glum. Of course, this does not help; but, this is what we tend to do.

Practise what we Preach

Alas, it is easy to say what we should do, but, it is another thing to do it! If world peace could be attained by good intentions it would be achieved a long time ago. Quite often we know what we should do, we hear our voice of conscience or message from our heart, but, some other force prevents us from doing the right thing.

Even worse, we tell others what to do – when we have no intention of doing it ourselves. Still to have good intentions is a start. What we need to do is talk a little less and act a little more. Putting into effect our good intentions is the real challenge.

Listen

Everyone wants to talk, but, how many have time to listen? Listening is a great art. Just listening to others can help them to work out their problems. They don’t need our advice, but, they may need an opportunity to work out what they should do. If you dominate conversations and always like to have the last word. Sit back and try to listen, especially to those who are shy or need a reliable friend (see: The art of listening)

Do One Thing at a Time

Simplicity and focus is a great virtue. But, we feel if we can try to do 2 things at once we will get more done. Alas, this rarely works, we just get stressed from the demands we place on ourselves; stress that need not be there.

Get Up early in the morning

How beautiful it is to get up at dawn, listening to the dawn chorus before the rush of humanity enters the day. Unfortunately, the body doesn’t always follow our own good intentions. Though you could try these tips to get up early in the morning.

Eat Less Sugar

Another good habit would be to eat less sugar. But, cake tastes good so what can we do?

Nobody really likes getting older. But, to think of ageing purely as a physical process is to miss the importance of our mental outlook. If we want we can easily remain young at heart – whatever our age.

Sometimes we see someone in his twenties and already he is grumbling like an old man. But, at the same time we see someone in their 70s and they have the life and attitude of a young child. To remain young at heart and forgetful of our outer age is a real blessing which enables us to enjoy life whatever our advancing age may be.

Secrets to Remaining Young at heart

Spend Time With Children.

Children  enjoy life from the heart. To see a child’s smile uplifts even the hardest heart. If we spend time with serious old people we will feel a serious old person too.

Don’t Identify your Self with Your Physical Age.

Everyday we look in the mirror and gain the habit of identifying our sense of self with the body. Thus when we see grey hairs and rinkles appearing we feel older – because our body is becoming older. But to remain young in heart and mind, our physical appearance is an irrelevance. We need to break the link between our physical condition and state of mind. We try to keep the body healthy. But, our sense of self should never be dictated by the number of summers this body has seen.

Be Spontaneous.

A childlike attitude is spontaneous and free. A child can take joy in simple things because it is not mentally creating a 5 year plan to buy a new TV. Try to listen to your heart and do things which give you innocent pleasure. Spend less time thinking and more time living in the present moment.

Don’t Spend Time Picking Faults

When we criticise others,
We do not go forward.
We just go backward,
To our greatest shock.

- Sri Chinmoy

It is complaining and grumbling which really gives us a feeling of being old and weary. Unfortunately, as we get older we get into a mental habit of finding fault and criticising the innumerable problems of the world. It is this tendency to be critical which really gives us an ageing outlook. A critical attitude has an impact upon ourselves. It is we who become negative, yet, of course, our criticisms never   improve the world.

Be Active

If we are active we don’t have time to get depressed about our old age. Compete with yourself and not others and get joy from transcending your own goals.

Stop Being Guilt of Your Age

I know many people close to me, who really feel bad if you ask them how old they are. They tell their age with such reluctance – as if they had just been diagnosed with some serious illness. Be proud to have more experience and more years under your belt. Becoming older in age is nothing to feel bad about.

The old saying ‘pride comes before a fall’ is no idle old wives tale. It is pride that creates innumerable problems for both ourselves and the rest of the world. Yet, like the proverbial camel unable to stop eating thorns, it is our pride that enslaves us to continuing doing the wrong thing or creating unnecessary unhappiness.

Inflexibility

Our pride can create inflexibility. Because of our pride we are not able to change our mind, but instead we stick on a wrong course of action. We may know our initial decision is wrong, but, because of our pride we are unable or unwilling to back down and take a different course of action. We mistake this stubborness for strength, but actually it is a weakness because we are just unable to take a better course of action.

Always To Be Right.

If we have tremendous pride we don’t like to be proved wrong. This can cause us to justify wrong actions to ourselves. We may even come to believe that they are justified. But, we will spend an inordinate amount of energy in proving to others or ourselves we are right.

Aloofness.

Pride makes us feel aloof and self-sufficient. We feel we can cope without the support, guidance or help of others. We may even try to do things by ourself so that we can claim all the glory for ourselves. But, when we take this solo approach we limit ourselves and create unnecessary difficulties and limitations. John Donne said ‘no man is an island’ But, our pride likes to make us think that we can be a unique person.

Insecurity.

If our self worth is dependent on a sense of pride we become insecure and sensitive to the criticisms of others. Our pride requires constant support and constant bolstering. Pride can consciously or unconsciously encourage us to go fishing for complements. Our pride deeply enjoys flattery but cannot cope with criticism.

Unhappiness.

As Thomas Jefferson said:

“Pride costs more than hunger, thirst and cold.”

Pride invariable creates unhappiness. The feeling of pride is a false happiness. We get a temporary relief from achieving and being thought well of. But, this is unsustainable. Life throws slings and arrows whether we like it or not. Rather than trying to please the false ego we need to be at peace with ourselves whatever the circumstances.

False Modesty.

A more subtle pride is a false modesty – an extreme self depreciation. Pride usually makes us feel we are extra special, really excellent. But, at other times it is our pride which makes us feel guilty and useless. Because we fail to live upto expectations or fail to achieve something, we feel personally a failure.

Alternative to Pride

The alternative to pride is an inner humility. We don’t make a display of our humility (as this can ironically create a sense of pride in how humble we are trying to be). However, if we give little importance to pride we will be able to:

• Benefit from the support and advice of others when it is helpful. At the same time, we will not be thrown by unfair criticism.
• We will get joy from the achievements of others.
• We will gain happiness from our progress and attempt and not just when we succeed.
• We will be able to admit mistakes without feeling guilty.
• We have much greater flexibility and will be much more easy to get on with. It is pride that it is the biggest obstacle in developing good relationships.
• We will value harmony more than being ‘Right’

Related

• Humility
• Poems on Pride at Poetseers

Photo by Tejvan, Sri Chinmoy Centre galleries.