Jealousy is an emotion which makes us either subtly or obviously depressed. When we are jealous, we strangle our own happiness because we resent the success or existence of other people. However, we can overcome jealousy by simply changing our view of life, love and our view about ourself. If we can overcome jealousy, we will gain tremendous happiness and peace of mind.

Jealousy
is a deep-rooted
Love-rejection-life.

Sri Chinmoy [1]

These are some tips to overcome jealousy.

1. Remember our good qualities

This is not the best way to overcome jealousy, but it can help in a practical way. Jealousy is often rooted in insecurity. We fear other people are ‘better’, ‘more attractive’, ‘more successful’. As a result, we become jealous of their good qualities. Instead of comparing with other people, we can think of our own good qualities, which are naturally different to other people. Everybody has different talents and strengths, we shouldn’t expect to be great at everything. We need humility, but also to maintain our self-respect. If we can cultivate this self-belief then we will not feel jealous because someone succeeds in something else. (How to boost your self-esteeem)

Love is not limited

Jealousy often arises because of the view that love is limited. We think if a person loves someone else, that means there is less love for us. We equate love to having a sack of 100 gold coins and feel if they spend their money on someone else, they have nothing left over for us. But, real love is not like that. If a person can feel divine / selfless love, they will not limit this to one person, they will want to share to everyone.  If a mother has one child, her love is not diminished when she has a second child. Now it is possible, that a young child may feel jealous if their parents spend more time with a new child, but it is only the same care and love they give to all their children. The fact they temporarily have to spend more time on the newborn, does not in any way diminish the amount of love they have for the first child. This is how love should be. If we really love, it is not limited, but only wishes to spread.

Love means wanting the happiness of other people

People sometimes feel that if you don’t feel jealous, you can’t really love. People might even complain if their partner is not jealous! But, if love is pure, then you would really want happiness for the other person. If the person you love gains and benefits from an association with the other person, you should welcome that. Jealousy is only trying to strangle their happiness. How can it be love, when we seek to make the person unhappy because our pride and vanity are hurt?

“Love” is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own…Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy”

― Robert A. Heinlein

Don’t Allow Yourself to be Hurt by the actions of others

Love does not mean we possess someone; it does not mean we seek to control them. Even to those who we love most, we still have to recognise that each soul has to choose their own path. If someone makes a choice we do not like. We should not feel guilty or make them feel guilty. We can offer advice. We can support them to make the right decision, but we can’t live for them. If, in spite of our best intentions, they pursue a wrong path – we have to maintain a certain detachment. We’ve offered our goodwill and selfless-love, but don’t make yourself unhappy because of someone else’s personal choices.

• If we try to keep someone all to our self, we will become possessive and easily jealous. If we always wish someone to be sincerely happy, then we will not become jealous, even if they pursue a course we would not advise.

Spiritual Oneness

The best spiritual approach is to feel that you can become one with the achievements of other people. If this sounds difficult start off by making a conscious decision to appreciate when other people do good things. Also, feel that by appreciating other people’s good qualities, you are consciously cultivating these good qualities. Notice that when you try to feel oneness with other people you feel happy. When you feel jealous, you definitely won’t.

If someone does something good. Feel that if they can do some thing really good then I can do the same. Therefore, we can feel grateful for the example they have set.

“Finally, the real spiritual way to conquer jealousy is to feel that you are one with the person who is the object of your jealousy. For example, if someone is a better actor than you are, feel that it is you who are acting. In this way, you can conquer jealousy and, at the same time, expand your own consciousness.

 - Sri Chinmoy  [2]

References

[1]  My Jealousy Is My Madness-Burden, Agni Press, 1994.

[2] How To Overcome Jealousy at Sri Chinmoy Library

Photo by: Sharani, Sri Chinmoy Centre Galleries

The most effective medicine
Here on earth
Is love unconditional.

- Sri Chinmoy

To love and be loved is something we all wish to cultivate – either consciously or unconsciously. Yet, we can go through life without giving it the attention it deserves. Love can create heaven on earth, and its absence can create the opposite, as William Shakespeare writes. “Absence from those we love is self from self – a deadly banishment.” – ¹

Sri Aurobindo writes:

Intuitively, we feel this statement to be true, but at the same time true love can be elusive and difficult to experience. But, what we focus on we will ultimately experience. These are some suggestions for cultivating real love.

• Always remember the source. Don’t see other people as separate individuals, but think of the world as one family. Treat others as you would yourself. This is the secret of love.
• To love others, you have to be able to love yourself. This is not the egotistical self-love, but an awareness of your real self. It is also important to always be true to your inner self. Love does not mean changing who we are. We first have to accept ourselves as who we really are. If we have to change our principles and identity, this is a false basis of love. But, if we can accept and love ourselves, it will be much easier to love others.
• Think not what you can get from the relationship. Consider how you can serve and offer to other people. We need to give to other people in a way that also reflects our principles, and gives us joy. The secret is to feel joy from giving and helping others. Selfless love means we don’t have any expectations about how the other person will treat us.

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When I was young, my very limited religious instruction suggested to me religion was a matter of faith – the belief in things you couldn’t actually see.

I never really understood this concept of faith. To my mind, I reasoned why should we believe things that we can’t see? Why should we believe things which we don’t know whether they happen? There was a time when I believed  faith seemed to be a clever way of getting people to believe in things that don’t really exist. Without too much thought, I just drifted away from religion to aspects of life which had a more immediate reality.

But, at a later day, I gained an interest in meditation and spirituality. I never approached it from a perspective of faith; the great attraction of meditation was that it offered the chance to actually experience spirituality – and not just about holding an intellectual faith. Meditation didn’t require a belief in things you couldn’t see or believe in; it was simply offering you the opportunity to see and experience for yourself.

Meditation was an interesting journey. There were glimpses of an ethereal peace and joy unknown in the world. The glimpses were never enough or as frequent as I would have liked, but there was definitely something. Even just 30 seconds of one profound experience of meditation stays with you throughout your life. Once, your consciousness has been turned on its head you can never doubt there is really another reality beyond the world. Sri Chinmoy writes:

“What you call Faith I call the Soul’s foreknowledge of the Highest Truth” [1]

This is the intuitive feeling you can get from meditation, you come to be aware of the soul and its latent capacities.

After a few steps along the path of meditation, I found it natural and spontaneous to believe in ideas I had previously summarily dismissed. The idea of God-realisation, reincarnation, liberation. The world no longer seemed a question of matter and the human mind, but of the spirit and the soul.

Long after I had forgotten about my rejection of ‘religious faith’ I realised that my teacher, Sri Chinmoy frequently wrote poems about the importance of faith – faith in yourself, faith in your Guru, faith in God.

This time, faith seemed rational, it also seemed important. One day, you could have the greatest meditation, the next day, you might start to think there’s no point in striving to reach higher goals. If you are not vigilant, the excuses and complaints of the mind can cloud your previous soulful experiences. So you always need to maintain this faith, this remembrance of your own meditation, the remembrance of your soul’s foreknowledge.

But, without some inner discipline and practice, it’s hard to maintain faith in higher ideals.

The poet, Emily Dickinson wrote:

“Faith” is a fine invention
For Gentlemen who see!
But Microscopes are prudent
In an Emergency!

To me, the microscope is meditation, and spiritual writings which seem intuitively true. Faith without  spiritual practice becomes a mere intellectual hope. Faith strengthened my meditation and prayer reminds you to have faith in your soul and God.

In the beginning of the spiritual life there is an element of give and take. We say to God, give us a little experience, and we’ll believe a little more.  The truly great seekers are those who don’t have any concept of give and take, but implicit 100% faith; there is no expectation only cheerful surrender.

Yet, for those who worry about approaching the spiritual life lacking in faith, it may be worth remembering the words of Sri Aurobindo:

” When I approached God at that time, I hardly had a living faith in Him. The agnostic was in me, the atheist was in me, the sceptic was in me and I was not absolutely sure that there was a God at all. I did not feel His presence. Yet something drew me to the truth of the Vedas, the truth of the Gita, the truth of the Hindu religion.”

- Sri Aurobindo The Uttarpara Address (1909)

Related

• Things I have learnt from Meditation

[1] Excerpt from Rainbow-Flowers by Sri Chinmoy.

photo, Tejvan, Sri Chinmoy Centre Galleries.

Karma is a universal law that relates to  thoughts and actions which create a cycle of cause and effect. Essentially what we create comes back to us, in some form.

If we offer goodwill to others, this goodwill comes back. If we offer pain to others, the law of karma states that equally we will have to experience that pain. The law of karma applies to actions, words and thoughts. Even our inner thoughts also create karma.

The great Spiritual Masters teach ‘do unto others, as you would have done to yourself’. In a way this is the logical consequence of the law of karma. The way we treat others, is how ultimately we will be treated ourselves. If we are mean-spirited and unkind, we will experience this ourselves. If we are kind and compassionate, this also will have a karmic effect.

It has been said that karma is really an opportunity to meet ourself. It is only when we see the consequences of our actions that we can learn from them. If we could act in isolation, then we would never learn. Thus karma could be seen as an opportunity to learn, to progress – and not a ‘punishment’ for past wrongs.

Instant Karma.

The Buddha taught that our thoughts are like boomerangs which unmistakably come back to their creator.

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought.
If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him.
If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought,
happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him. “

- Lord Buddha

If we think negative thoughts, that negativity is our instant bad karma. We create our own heaven or hell by what we allow into our mind. If we offer loving thoughts, that is our instant good karma. There is a short analogy. Suppose someone tries to speak ill of you – they are in effect trying to give you something (let us call it a ‘gift’). But, if you totally reject their ‘gift’ of criticism, if we reject their offering, it stays with that person. Therefore, if we criticise others, that negativity becomes part of us. Our negativity is our instant karma.

Beyond Karma

The law of karma may encourage us to do good deeds on the basis – that if we do good to others, we will benefit in the future. This could make us rather calculating, we count up our good deeds and expect a reward. This makes our action conditional. A different spiritual attitude is to do an action unconditionally, i.e we are motivated by a selfless love – rather than an expectation of reward. This is a higher and nobler ideal.

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It is easy to read a book on self-improvement, but it is much more difficult to actually implement the concepts into your life. If you really want to change your life, why not try some of these simple exercises.

Meditation

“Do you want to change the world?
Then change yourself first.
Do you want to change yourself?
If so, remain completely silent
Inside the silence-sea.”

- Sri Chinmoy ¹

Find 20 minutes in the day, and make a commitment to meditate whatever else is happening. In these 20 minutes, you are going to try and clear your mind of thoughts and become aware of your own heart, your own soul. Meditation is essential to self-improvement, because in meditation we learn there is more to our being than our mind and thoughts. If we want to transform our life, we have to use the qualities of our soul. If we can bring the soul to the fore, all the situations we find ourself in, will change for the better. The great thing about meditation, is that we don’t have to mentally work out difficult situations, we just need to change our consciousness. If we can access a little peace and joy through meditation, this consciousness will permeate the rest of the day and help in every situation and personal relationship.

• How To Meditate.

A Day Without Criticism

The human mind has an almost addiction to criticism. It always see what is wrong with the world and with other people. Just for a day, try to live without criticism. Let go of any judgement and see how it affects your state of mind.

See: Life without criticism.

Gratitude Exercise

Throughout the day, see how many occasions you can be grateful. They can be for the smallest things. From the beauty of nature, to your good fortune in having enough to live on. The more you look for things to be grateful for, the more you will be able to appreciate life. This can go hand in hand with the exercise to avoid criticism. If we are grateful for the positive, then we can easily forget people’s failings and limitations.

• The Power of Gratitude

Physical Exercise

A commitment to physical exercise helps us in so many ways.

• Helps to clear the mind.
• Helps avoid boredom and listlessness.
• Creates  positive mental energy.
• We will feel stronger and more dynamic.
• We will sleep better and have a better appetite.
• It can be fun!
• It can help us keep in shape.

• See: Healthy Mind and Healthy Body

Don’t Rush.

Rather than rushing through life. Take time to appreciate what you are doing. Also, before doing anything, try keep a moment of silence to feel what is the right thing to do. For example, if you are buying food, take a moment to feel the vibration of the food. If you look at food and pass your hands close to it, you can see the different kind of vibration it gives. Just compare a deep fried takeaway and something healthy and tasty.

This moment of reflection helps us to make better choices, which we really benefit from. It takes discipline to stop rushing into everything, but ultimately you will save time, as you spend less time dealing with your wrong choices. It will also show you that you have much better intuition than you might have thought. The more you practise intuition, the stronger it becomes.

Treat Others How you would Want to be Treated.

Try  seeing life from the other person’s perspective. Are you treating other people how you would like to be treated yourself? This simple golden rule can be life changing, if we actually implement it. It is the key to sympathy, oneness and helping others in a positive way.

Smile

The simplest exercise is for the last. Just because it is so simple, don’t devalue its importance. Smiling makes us feel better, but also changes how we present ourselves to the world. If we grimace and scrunch up our face, it is a completely different world to offering the world a smile. To smile is to automatically choose the positive and avoid the negativity we are trying in many other exercises.

Related

• How To Avoid Negativity
• 7 Small Things that can make a difference

Photo credit: Unmesh Swanson, Sri Chinmoy Centre Galleries.

Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield. As a rule, whatever is fluid, soft, and yielding will overcome whatever is rigid and hard. This is another paradox: what is soft is strong.

- Tao Te Ching

Great spiritual teachings suggest the benefits of  spontaneity, fluidity and avoiding a rigid mind. Going with the flow doesn’t mean we accept the prevailing conventions of society – it means we seek to find our inner truth and follow the promptings of our heart.

How can we implement this philosophy into everyday life?

Allow the Solution To be Created

In life, we can come up against innumerable problems and difficulties, which, at times, can seem insurmountable. Often we are drawn to just thinking and exaggerating the scale of the difficulty. But, to overcome a problem, we need to consciously visualise the solution. This belief and focus on the positive outcome, helps it to be created.  As Sri Chinmoy states in this poem:

Focus not on the dire problem,
But on the easy solution.
Live not on an empty promise,
But be a true man of action.

With other people we need to express the confidence the right thing will happen. If we can wholeheartedly embrace the solution, we can allow it to occur. We must be watchful we do not hold onto the problem, as some form of disguised self-pity. Instead, we have to be positive and allow the good thing to  happen.

By doing this we are not pushing against the solution, but creating the energy for the positive experience to be created.

Follow Your Own Truth

We may feel that a harmonious life energy requires us to meet the expectations of other people; we may feel the necessity of following the ‘wisdom of the crowd’, but this is not correct. When we try to be something we are not, we make life difficult for ourselves. Harmony doesn’t mean we become one amorphous mass, in fact – the opposite. The aim is unity in diversity. If we try to be something we are not, we are always fighting our natural Self.

By being true to our self, we gain self-confidence and self-respect; it will enable us to express our own inner qualities and personalities. If people don’t appreciate our decisions, we won’t mind because we will have the inner peace of following our own soul’s deepest need. Inner peace comes when we are true to ourself; it does not come when we try to imagine and become what others expect of us. As Shakespeare said:

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

- Shakespeare ²

Avoiding Confrontation

If we directly speak of other people’s weaknesses, they invariably become defensive and have injured pride. Because we fear confronting others, we often ignore it and they continue to frustrate us by doing the wrong thing. Neither approach is satisfactory. If we openly confront others we create friction. If we say nothing, we have to deal with the wrong behaviour. Here is another approach.

We create a conducive environment to constructive dialogue. Be happy, put the other person at ease. Start by mentioning some good qualities. Talk about your own failings and how you need to change. Mention the weakness as something you do, but would like to change. This may even be sufficient for them to be aware this is a mistake in their own life. If not, you can mention it without creating problems. This is the indirect approach. You haven’t created a confrontational approach, but raised the issue in a way that avoids hurting the other person’s pride.  When people feel happy and have good self-esteem, they are in a much better place to seek their own self-improvement. If they feel forced to change, they may resent it. If they are allowed to come to their own conclusions, they will seek to make it a lasting reality.

The flower gives nectar. The bee gives pollination.

The bee receives nectar. The flower receives pollination

Independent
Nobody is -
We just fool ourselves.

- Sri Chinmoy ¹

Some people find it easy to give, but very difficult to receive; they feel they should remain aloof and independent.

Some find it difficult to give because they worry they will be worse off or gain no benefit.

For example, some people may be willing to offer support to friends, but when they are in difficulty they will feel they shouldn’t bother other people and refuse any support or help.

It is good to be in a position to give; but if we don’t allow ourselves to also receive, we can’t complete the circle. We deny others the opportunity to get joy from giving. We consciously deny ourselves the opportunity to get what we are happy to give others.

Giving is an opportunity to transcend selfish motives and feelings. But receiving is also an opportunity to transcend our pride and ego. Often we refuse to accept support from others out of a sense of personal pride. It may arise from a subtle sense of superiority. When we give, we may feel, perhaps unconsciously, that we are superior to the person who we are giving to. But, if we feel superior about giving, then we will also feel inferior when receiving. That is why we only want to be in the position of giving.

“Gracious acceptance is an art – an art which
most never bother to cultivate. We think that we have
to learn how to give, but we forget about accepting
things, which can be much harder than giving…
Accepting another person’s gift is allowing
to express his feelings for you.”

- Alexander McCall Smith

However, when we learn to both give and receive with equanimity, we will feel neither superior or inferior. We will get joy from both.

“Before giving, the mind of the giver is happy; while giving, the mind of the giver is made peaceful; and having given, the mind of the giver is uplifted.”

-Buddha

Don’t Keep Count

Another mistake is to think life is like a weighing scale. If we give 10 units to person A, we shouldn’t wait expecting 10 units in return. It is best to just give and receive in accordance with necessity and follow your heart’s prompting. If your giving and receiving is calculated like a weighing scale, you will lose all spontaneity and joy from the process.

Receiving and Dependency

There is a big difference between receiving genuine support and becoming dependent on the efforts of others. If we are in a difficult position, we should happily receive from others, but we should not abuse this help and become a drain on the other person’s good will.

It is the same with giving. Often when we give love, support and aid to others it can help. But, we shouldn’t be giving without discrimination. We have to keep asking ourselves is this actually helping the other person? If we give support which encourages them to have better self-esteem and self-confidence, then we are facilitating them to solve their own problems. But, if we just give sympathy and try to solve their problems for them, we may not be helping them to learn what they need to know. There is no right answer for how to help others. But, we should be careful of our motives in giving to others.

Beauty of Giving and Receiving.

As John Donne said ‘no man is an island’. When we give and receive unconditionally we remember our extended consciousness our inseperable link with other people. There is a beauty to giving and receiving.

“Beauty is in giving. Beauty is in receiving. Beauty is in giving and giving alone. Beauty is in receiving and receiving alone. When I give, I see that before I have given anything, Heaven is already smiling through my offering, my self-giving. When I receive, I see that earth is smiling in and through me.”

- Sri Chinmoy ²

Related

• Scarcity and Giving

photo: Tejvan

There is an oft-repeated saying – Is the glass half-full or half-empty? It is a key issue in life – how do we perceive a situation? Give two people the same situation and their perspective / reaction may be very different. All through life we have a choice on what to see and what to choose. This is an attempt to consider how we can see things from a different perspective.

If a negative thought
Claims you as its victim,
Can you not immediately take shelter
In the embrace
Of a positive thought?

- Sri Chinmoy ¹

Maybe you’re not right.

It is human nature to think we are right and other people are wrong. This battle to be ‘right’ takes up much of our mental time and energy. Sometimes we will try very hard to prove we really are in the right. However, rather than just automatically assume we are right, we could look at the issue from another point of view. Maybe, it is we who are wrong. Even entertaining this idea involves a degree of humility. From their perspective and their world view, they probably consider that they are doing the ‘right’ thing. If we can have empathy that they are trying to do the right thing in their own way, it makes us more tolerant, more understanding. Sometimes it’s not about being ‘right’ but approaching the situation in the best way.

A teenager may think the right thing is to explore the world and have the freedom to make choices about life. A parent may feel the ‘right’ thing to do is to protect their children from unnecessary dangers. In a way, neither perspective is ‘wrong’ But, if we can understand where the other person is coming from it can help a good deal.

Guilt vs Learning Process

We often allow guilt to dominate our mind. We make a mistake and we then carry a heavy burden of guilt around. We feel bad, but we cannot undo what has happened in the past. Another perspective is to see mistakes as inevitable; we learn what we need to and strive not to make the mistake again. This is the positive approach, rather than focusing on what we’ve done wrong, we focus on what we are going to do right.

This doesn’t make us callous to our own wrong doing. It is just a way to concentrate on the positive rather than unnecessarily dragging ourselves down. If we hold onto guilt, saying I’m bad, I’m bad – it hardly helps us to do the right thing.

It is a question of perspective, do we feel bad for what we did in the past, or do we feel hopeful for how we will turn our life around?

Victim vs Non-Victim

It is easy to feel the victim – a victim of circumstances a victim of other peoples words and actions. However, rather than seeing ourselves as a victim, we need to remember we can always choose how we respond to situations. Then we empower ourselves; we can learn to reject negative words and ideas. We can remember our real self and ignore a mistaken identity others would try to impose on us. Then we no longer feel like a victim, instead we see difficult situations as an opportunity to have faith in ourselves.

Related

• Keeping things in perspective
• Why Life feels difficult and what to do about it