April 27th, 2009 — | Posted by Tejvan Pettinger | life -
The old saying ‘pride comes before a fall’ is no idle old wives tale. It is pride that creates innumerable problems for both ourselves and the rest of the world. Yet, like the proverbial camel unable to stop eating thorns, it is our pride that enslaves us to continuing doing the wrong thing or creating unnecessary unhappiness.
Inflexibility
Our pride can create inflexibility. Because of our pride we are not able to change our mind, but instead we stick on a wrong course of action. We may know our initial decision is wrong, but, because of our pride we are unable or unwilling to back down and take a different course of action. We mistake this stubborness for strength, but actually it is a weakness because we are just unable to take a better course of action.
Always To Be Right.
If we have tremendous pride we don’t like to be proved wrong. This can cause us to justify wrong actions to ourselves. We may even come to believe that they are justified. But, we will spend an inordinate amount of energy in proving to others or ourselves we are right.
Aloofness.
Pride makes us feel aloof and self-sufficient. We feel we can cope without the support, guidance or help of others. We may even try to do things by ourself so that we can claim all the glory for ourselves. But, when we take this solo approach we limit ourselves and create unnecessary difficulties and limitations. John Donne said ‘no man is an island’ But, our pride likes to make us think that we can be a unique person.
Insecurity.
If our self worth is dependent on a sense of pride we become insecure and sensitive to the criticisms of others. Our pride requires constant support and constant bolstering. Pride can consciously or unconsciously encourage us to go fishing for complements. Our pride deeply enjoys flattery but cannot cope with criticism.
Unhappiness.
As Thomas Jefferson said:
“Pride costs more than hunger, thirst and cold.”
Pride invariable creates unhappiness. The feeling of pride is a false happiness. We get a temporary relief from achieving and being thought well of. But, this is unsustainable. Life throws slings and arrows whether we like it or not. Rather than trying to please the false ego we need to be at peace with ourselves whatever the circumstances.
False Modesty.
A more subtle pride is a false modesty – an extreme self depreciation. Pride usually makes us feel we are extra special, really excellent. But, at other times it is our pride which makes us feel guilty and useless. Because we fail to live upto expectations or fail to achieve something, we feel personally a failure.
Alternative to Pride
The alternative to pride is an inner humility. We don’t make a display of our humility (as this can ironically create a sense of pride in how humble we are trying to be). However, if we give little importance to pride we will be able to:
- Benefit from the support and advice of others when it is helpful. At the same time, we will not be thrown by unfair criticism.
- We will get joy from the achievements of others.
- We will gain happiness from our progress and attempt and not just when we succeed.
- We will be able to admit mistakes without feeling guilty.
- We have much greater flexibility and will be much more easy to get on with. It is pride that it is the biggest obstacle in developing good relationships.
- We will value harmony more than being ‘Right’
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Photo by Tejvan, Sri Chinmoy Centre galleries.
April 20th, 2009 — | Posted by Tejvan Pettinger | life -
During the past two weeks I have been in New York for a spiritual holiday. It was an opportunity to meditate and live away from usual distractions and necessities of daily life. It was a good experience to take a break, but, the writing muse deserted me, and time flew past.
We will be resuming our normal posting schedule soon. But, just in brief it is a good reminder that experiencing a totally different situation can help. Sometimes we need a change of scene and people to break old habits and gain different perspectives.
A strong part of human nature is a creature of habit. We go through the same routine, habits and even same thoughts. But, when we are forced to try new things and move out of comfort zone we often realise that our old habits are limiting and there is much more to life.
In particular, I felt no inspiration for spending time on a computer. But, now I’m back in the UK I want to get back into writing.
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picture: Pavitrata
March 30th, 2009 — | Posted by Tejvan Pettinger | inner peace -
The modern world with its many fascinations, distractions and temptations can give us many things, but the humblest of all goals – our own inner peace – seems the one illusive thing beyond our reach. Yet, to attain inner peace it is not necessary to go back in time or visit the timeless Himalayan caves. Peace is perfectly compatible with modern life, if we learn how to harness the values of peace to the dynamism of modern life.
Peace In the Stress of Life
Often I hear people say ‘I don’t have time to develop peace’. They have a vague idea peace may be gained if only they could win the lottery and retire from work. It is a misconception that inner peace needs to be associated with an inactive life. We can often find inner peace through a purposeful life, a life of serving others. If we wallow in our own lethargy, we will never cultivate inner peace. Inner peace we don’t get from watching TV, at best it may give us a slight sense of relaxation, but not an abiding sense of satisfaction. Inner peace comes from a feeling of living a purposeful life. If we are unhappy, we will not gain peace.
Doing Our Best.
We put ourselves under great pressure. We want to try and keep everyone happy. But, inevitably it is impossible to keep everyone happy and always succeed in doing well. We have to judge ourselves on our motives and intentions – not the external outcome or what other people think. If we work with the right attitude, doing the best in difficult circumstances – what else can we do? Don’t allow the unreasonable expectations of others to disturb your inner peace. If we can work with this sense of detachment then we will avoid many feelings of guilty, worry and anxiety. It is these forces that disturb own inner peace.
Inner peace can never be dependent upon outer success and outer praise. It is the nature of the world to give success / failure, praise / blame in equal measure. We have to transcend this at be at peace with ourselves whatever happens.
One of the great spiritual texts – The Bhagavad Gita, was given in the middle of a war (Battle of Kurushetra). Sri Krishna advised Arjuna:
Do your duty to the best of your ability, O Arjuna,
With your mind attached to the Lord,
Abandoning (worry and) attachment to the results,
And remaining calm in both success and failure.
The Bhagavad Gita, Chapter 2.
Simplify.
It is true we don’t need to live in austerity or a Himalayan cave to cultivate inner peace. But, it is equally true, that we can easily minimise the pressures and inconsequential distractions that are readily available in modern life. Modern technology has given us unprecedented access to technology and communication. Undoutedely this has benefits if used wisely. But, sometimes it is like getting a glass of water standing under the Niagra falls. In other words we can become overwhelmed with information and this can become almost addictive. Similarly we can spend hours sending short messages or doing small things. We become reluctant to switch off from the electronic world and spend time enjoying the simpler pressures of life.
There are many ways to simplify our life (see: 10 ways to simplify your life) . – Getting rid of junk, spending less time on checking email, taking time to ourselves; but this simplicity is often feared in modern society because we have become so used to absorbing out attention in external distractions. We need to disentangle from some of these to be able to cultivate peace.
Thoughts.
To gain inner peace, we must learn to control our thoughts. It is our own thoughts which can take us to heaven or hell – no matter where we are on earth. We have to reject thoughts of jealousy, pride and insecurity. If we, even subconsciously, cherish these emotions then peace will be a far cry. It is when we cultivate good / uplifting thoughts that we can avoid the mental disturbance that is so harmful to inner peace.(How to control thoughts)
Another issues which is always very important is the idea that we have to want inner peace – it is only when we truly value the life of peace that we will work to make it happen. If we don’t value inner peace – how can we expect to have a peaceful life?
Real Peace
If we avoid negative thoughts and negative emotions; if we simplify our life and take a compassionate attitude to ourselves and others, we will definitely have a more peaceful life. But, to experience a very deep and abiding sense of peace, we need to go beyond the thought world and awaken the silence within.
“To come back to the secret of inner peace, our questioning and doubting mind is always wanting in peace. Our loving and dedicated heart is always flooded with inner peace. If our mind has all the questions, then our heart has all the answers.
- Sri Chinmoy
It is this quiet part of ourselves, that is the real secret of inner peace. We cannot experience this silent peace, through philosophy or talking. It can only be brought to the fore by a silent mind and open heart. In concentration and meditation, we learn to silence the endless stream of thought and awaken this peaceful consciousness.
We might gain a glimpse of this kind of peace when we are lost in the marvels of nature or listening to the most profound music. But, to gain an easy access to the real inner peace, meditation is by far the most effective strategy.
Introduction to meditation
It is all in the Mind.
There was a great sage who spent many years meditating in a cave. Over the years he developed tremendous inner peace through his meditation. Once a great King came to visit and spoke to the sage about the turmoils of his earthly kingdom. The sage asked the King why not come and meditate with me in the cave – Then you can have peace. The king replied – what would the use be? If I came here, I would still be thinking of my Kingdom – I would be building imaginary castles in the sky. The King, at least, realised the route to peace lay in his mind and no where else.
There is another story about the great King Janaka who lived in ancient India. He ruled over a large Kingdom but was detached from his own world wealth and power. Once he was sitting with his Guru and several followers. When news came of severe weather, everyone rushed back to look after their possessions. But, King Janaka who had by far the most possessions remained unmoved. He was untouched by worry over his material possessions. He preferred to sit at the feet of his Guru. We may only have a few dollars in our pocket, but, if we spend all our time worrying about our material possessions we will not have inner peace.
Photo by Tejvan
March 23rd, 2009 — | Posted by Tejvan Pettinger | self improvement -
One of the biggest problems we have is the tendency for our mind to think in an irrational / unbalanced way. We see issues and other people through a clouded and fuzzy perspective. This judgement leads us to many problems, not least it makes life more stressful and depressing.
These are some of the common perspectives on life which are misleading.
Jumping to Conclusions
Often we jump to conclusions on a small fraction of evidence. Perhaps someone does not reply to our message at a particular point in time, we then project our own thoughts as to why this is. The mind creates a powerful scenario which we come to believe. Yet, our mental projections are often far from reality. To make things worse we often jump to conclusions in a negative way. The mind is suspicious of others’ intentions and we definitely create problems for ourselves by doubting our friends and relatives. We have to be very wary of jumping to conclusions; at the very least we should remind ourself our conclusion is likely to be wrong.
It may be unfortunate to be mistreated by others, but, it is much worse to have a suspicious mind
Black and White Thinking
We often come to see the world in black and white terms – either we are a total success or failure. Other people are either friends or enemies. The problem is that one small mistake can make us feel a total failure. For example, we say one wrong thing so then assume we have messed up a relationship with someone. On the other hand a small success can bloat us with pride. Life is never so clear cut; we have to avoid both the depths of despair and heights of vainglory. Rather than seeing ourselves as a total failure just see mistakes as stepping stones on the path to self-development.
Blaming other People for own Faults.
Often we sit in judgement on other people, but, if we were honest we would realise many of their faults we too share. We are not judging out of compassion but out of a sense of self-importance. The worst thing is when we do something wrong but seek to pass the blame onto other people – If only other people had done the right thing we would been fine. This is just our clever mind justify its wrong actions. But, with this attitude we will just continue doing the wrong thing and create more problems. We have to be honest with ourselves.
Over Dramatisation
Part of us likes drama and intrigue. We get a subtle pleasure from the soap opera of life. But, there is a danger in over dramatising situations where it is not necessary; we can feed negative situations and make small conflicts escalate beyond all proportion. We stake too much on an insignificant issues, often putting others on the spot to make decisions one way or the other.
Don’t take everything to heart – small issues will soon blow over – if we allow it.
Emotional thinking.
Emotions are fleeting. Anger comes and goes. Fear comes and goes. Our emotional state is unreliable guide to the truth of an issue. Many times we are relieved we don’t act out of impulsive anger. To really understand a situation, we have to see it without the cloud of emotion. Take time to see beyond a misleading emotion.
These ways of looking at life all share a common theme – it is easy to gain an unbalanced look at life. When we look at problems through a certain filter it is inevitable that we create problems and have poor perception.
To deal with this problem we need to avoid jumping to conclusions and be wary of our initial judgements. Before acting we need to test our state of mind
- Are we judging with our critical mind or our compassionate heart?
- How would we want over people to behave / think in our situation?
- If we spoke out aloud our thoughts would we be embarrassed about what we are saying?
- Have we taken a second opinion from other people we trust?
- Why are we being determined to see the negative side of life?
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March 16th, 2009 — | Posted by Tejvan Pettinger | productivity -
There is an old saying “If you want something done, ask a busy person. ” There is a lot of truth in this. Sometimes, we struggle to do anything productive – even if we have time on our hands. But, at other times we can do alot because we prepare, are focused and do it with enthusiasm.
There are several small things that can make a big difference to how successful we become. These are some tips to help get things done.
Be Clear What you Want to do.
It might seem a rather obvious point, but if we are not clear what we want to do – how can we do it effectively? I have a student who always talks of giving up smoking. Half of him wants to stop, but the other half enjoys it. If you want to do something difficult like give up smoking you have to be 100% committed. If you do something but are holding onto reservations, you will not be fully committed and so it will be much harder, if not impossible. Too often we drift along with vague ideas we should be doing something; we hold a certain guilt for not doing it, but, we fail to clearly resolve to take action – so it gets left on the back burner.
Clear Out the Junk.
One of the biggest obstacles to being productive is getting distracted by small silly things. Having a tidy / clear workspace makes a big difference to being able to work with great focus. Entering a clear, simple work environment gives a definite subconscious psychological boost. Just try tidying your workspace, ruthless clearing out the junk and pieces of paper – you will definitely notice the difference. We have a rather romantic view of the eccentric genius working in paper strewn mess coming up with complex equations. But, for most of us, working in this kind of environment makes it much more difficult to do anything. Investing 10 minutes to create a clear workspace is a good investment of time.
Do One Thing at A Time
It is not possible to do more than one thing at a time and be focused. Our attention gets split and we struggle to do either effectively. This doesn’t just mean physically doing only one thing at a time; it also means having our thoughts focused on one particular task. When writing an essay, we need to ignore other thoughts of what we will be doing tomorrow. There is no benefit in worrying over things that we have no control.
Be in the Right Environment
As we have mentioned in previous points, the real secret for getting things done is being 100% committed and focused. Another thing that can help is getting into the right environment. For example, if you need to work at home, create a suitable space for your work. If you carry your laptop into the lounge in front of the TV, you can get easily distracted. Even changing clothes can make a difference. Sometimes, I wander out into the garden in my slippers and start half-heartedly gardening. When you do something be in the right space, environment and with the right tools / equipment.
Prioritise
The art of getting things done doesn’t mean we have to be a permanent hive of activity, business and stress. The problem is that we are often ‘busy’ doing unimportant and inconsequential things. We need to make a list (either written or mental) of what needs doing and doing the most pressing things first, even if it is not necessarily the most pleasant.
Feel that whatever you do there is an opportunity cost. If we spend time flicking through tv channels it means we don’t have time for something more fulfilling and worthwhile.
Finish what you start.
The hardest thing with getting things done is often just getting started. It takes a mental effort to get started, so once we overcome this barrier try finishing it in one go. If we keep stopping and starting we will waste precious time and loose focus. Where possible try to benefit from economies of scale. e.g. rather than checking emails several times throughout the day, set aside one or two times to answer and deal with your inbox. This is more efficient than responding piecemeal to incoming messages. (and often when you are trying to do something else as well.)
Read the Instruction manual
It’s a bit of novelty in our ipod generation, but so many times I try to do something without any preparation, make it worse and then have to go back to read the instruction manual. Good preparation can save a lot of heartache and wasted effort. Jumping straight in without any clear plan isn’t usually the best way to get something done.
Be Enthusiastic for what you do.
If we can always maintain enthusiasm for what we do, our enthusiasm will carry us through all obstacles and problems. This is a real secret of getting things done.
photo by Prabhakar, Sri Chinmoy Centre Galleries
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March 12th, 2009 — | Posted by Tejvan Pettinger | meditation -
Readers Question: Can you recommend some meditation music you mentioned in this post Introduction to Meditation
These links will help provide some inspirational music for meditation
Other Links of Meditation Music
Using Music For Meditation
I often use music whilst meditating. It has to be music composed and performed in a meditative consciousness. It is not the music that excites and stimulates, but the music that inspires us to dive deep within.
Music can be useful if you meditate in a noisy environment (e.g. student flat) The right kind of music can also help still the mind.
The power of soulful / spiritual / meditative music is that it has the capacity to awaken our inner aspiration. It is this inner cry that is the most important aspect of meditation.
Meditation and music is quite a personal choice, but it is well worth exploring.
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March 10th, 2009 — | Posted by Tejvan Pettinger | life -
A while back I tried a period of not criticising people, it was an interesting experiment, if rather difficult. In a similar vein I thought it would be interesting to see what life is like if we make zero complaints about anything.
We tend to be chronic complainers. We complain about other people, about our work situation, about what is on telly, the fact Gas prices have risen 15%; we complain about what is happening in our life, in our house and around the world. There seems no end in sight to our long list of complaints.
Living without complaining is not burying our head in the sand thinking the world has no problems. The crucial question is – what does complaining achieve? How does constant complaining affect our own life? Does complaining about things we have no control help in any way?
You Can’t Change The World But You Can Change Yourself.
The road to inner peace is never dependent on ironing out all the problems of society and the world first. Governments will always be making bad decisions, buses will always be arriving late, and electronic devices will always be breaking down. If we write down what we most like to complain about, these will probably not change. Some people think that – only if they could move country all their complaints will vanish; but, this is wishful thinking, the problems will be there in other countries just in other forms.
The important thing is to change our attitude. Rather than complain, we can tolerate mistakes of others; rather than complain over silly things, we can maintain an attitude of detachment. We need to love and accept the world as it is. We cannot wait for the world to be perfect before we love. The important thing is to be positive – looking for the good rather than looking for legitimate complaints.
Complaining v Gratitude
When we complain we look for the negative. We give power to our negative thoughts and the world seems a darker place. If we look for the positive, if we aspire to cultivate gratitude for the good in life – our outlook will completely change. We will give power, focus and attention to the good and beautiful. We constantly have choices – either complain or be grateful, only ourselves can make this choice.
Complaining and Mistreatment.
There is a great scene in Fawlty Towers (Waldorf Salad I think) – Two old ladies are served some grizzly old meat; it’s so overcooked they can barely eat it. When Basil Fawlty (John Cleese) asks if they are enjoying their meal they fake a smile and say ‘O, yes Lovely’ But, as soon as he turns his back they screw up their face and spit out the meat. They then start complaining to each other about how bad it is. It is said this is a typical English and Canadian trait – we don’t stand up to bad service. We don’t say anything outwardly, but we bitterly complain inwardly. This reluctance to complain outwardly has not helped; it just means we complain silently and nurse our grievance. If we have a legitimate grievance it is good to politely and calmly express it. It gives chance for the other person to rectify their bad service and it means we are less likely to nurse a perpetual grievance over the overcooked steak a la Fawlty Towers. What we are trying to avoid is the perpetual inner complaining.
Complaining over Things we Have No Control.
There are many things in life which are unjust, unfair and unpleasant. We tend to be drawn to to the negative things we see around us and instinctively we start to complain about everything that is wrong. But, our complaints do not make an iota of difference. They do not change the problem, we just become depressed at the problems in life. There is a big difference between complaining and doing something about it. The old maxim ‘actions speak louder than words’ is oft repeated but, there is much wisdom in that saying. Complaining is essentially a negative act with no positive energy to change things.
Complaints are Often misinformed.
Often we complain but we maybe complain on false premises. We love to complain about higher taxes, but, if we didn’t have higher spending on public services like education and health care, we would be complaining about that. – It’s easy to complain, it’s more difficult to do something about it.
Another example. We may complain about a difficult person. However, that person could be forcing us to face up to our own weaknesses. Often when we dislike some thing about another person their fault exists in our own nature. Rather than complaining we have to learn to deal with difficult people; it may be an opportunity in disguise.
Complaints Don’t Solve Anything
If we tell the waiter the tea is cold, he can heat it up. But, most of our complaints do nothing to solve anything. We complain about the amount of litter on the street, but, do we ever pick up any litter? We can complain until we are blue in the face about the state of the economy and the government, but this will do nothing to make our life better. If we spent the same energy from complaints into something positive, we would have a chance to make a significant improvement to our life and people around us.
Complaining is essential a negative non-constructive activity which focuses us to focus on the negativity, it also often embodies a feeling of powerlessness.
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photo by Pavitrata, Sri Chinmoy Centre galleries
March 2nd, 2009 — | Posted by Tejvan Pettinger | happiness, life -
Do you want
To be happy,
Learn the beautiful art
Of self-encouragement.
- Sri Chinmoy
It is a fine balance between self encouragement and self-criticism. To honestly evaluate ourselves is a difficult task. We tend to either conveniently ignore our own faults or become too harsh on ourselves for small inconsequential things. We need a balance of self-encouragement and honest self-appraisal; getting the right balance is not so easy.
Tips for Self Criticism
Don’t Be Ashamed of your Faults.
If we can’t be honest with ourself who can we be honest with? The mind can be good at justifying our wrong actions and behaviour. But, clever self-justification is of no benefit in the long run. If we can be aware of our own pride, jealousy, insecurities then we have a chance to let go of them. But, if we always justify our wrong attitudes to ourself then we are lost.
Avoid Guilt.
One of the reasons we may seek to ignore our faults is that we feel guilty. Rather than feeling guilty we avoid criticising ourself. However, it is better to be self-critical without feelings of guilt. Guilt is an emotion that doesn’t help but makes us feel more inadequate. Become aware of what you want to change and see it is a positive movement.
Not self-contempt
But self-improvement
Has to be
Our continuous choice.
- Sri Chinmoy
Don’t Judge By The Values of Others.
The biggest problem is that we start to judge ourselves by the standards of others. Our friends may have been put out because of something we did. Therefore, they try to make us feel guilty. Because others are critical of us, we feel obliged to feel guilty too. But, we have to be firm and reject others’ criticisms – if they are not justified. In the eyes of the world we may have done something wrong. But, only we know our inner attitude. We may have done something with the best of intentions and motivations, but, because of circumstances beyond our control, thing turn out badly. The world will criticise us, but, we know we did our best. How can we criticise ourselves for bad luck or circumstances beyond our control?
- At the same time, we may get praise when we don’t deserve it.
- Also, although we shouldn’t accept the misinformed critisims of others. We should be open to the suggestions of others. Often people can see things about ourselves that we can’t. Don’t be too proud to take advice / suggestions / criticism from others. It is not a sign of weakness to listen to other people. Our sincerity will know whether they are telling the truth or not.
Judge Motives rather than Outcome.
As mentioned in the previous point it is our inner attitude which is important. A small action done selflessly without expectation of reward is worth more than egoistic selfish actions which may appear to have a better outcome. It is our inner attitude that we need to be aware of.
Remain Balanced.
When we start to criticise ourself it is easy to lose a sense of proportion and start beating ourselves up over a small issue. This is a real mistake. We might make small mistakes but, making them into big problems just makes the situation worse. Never lose a sense of proportion and don’t magnify small problems. At the same time don’t be dismissive of actions that are causing pain to others.
Self Criticism and Self Encouragement.
Focusing on the negative doesn’t help. The most effective self-criticism is to also learn the art of self-encouragement. Be aware of the good selfless deeds and thoughts you have and give these more importance. If we strengthen our good qualities then this will take care of most of our weaknesses. The positive approach is by far the best way to help our self-improvement.
photo by Pavitrata
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February 24th, 2009 — | Posted by Tejvan Pettinger | life -
People are a mixture of qualities and personalities. At various times, we all embody these different aspects and qualities. But often some quality or trait is more predominant than others. Some friends will be insecure and shy, others will be brash and egocentric. We need to respond to these different characteristics in different ways. There are also some general tips for dealing with difficult people here.
Dealing with difficult people is certainly one of the most important life skills and as painful as it maybe, dealing with difficult people can be very instructive. Even if it is just learning – don’t be like them!
Ego Centric.
An ego centric person tends to talk alot – often about themselves and their achievements, They look for compliments and so will often compliment others to encourage praise for themselves. They dislike any criticism and are often insecure, though they hide this insecurity by trying to display their successes. Ego centric people can be a bit of a bore, but, it will not help to point out their shortcomings as they will not appreciate your intervention. It is best to offer sincere praise if justified, but, not to encourage them excessively. If they really are talking too much about themselves, politely but firmly steer the conversation onto something else.
Very insecure and egocentric people will try to put down other people to make themselves feel better. This is pretty frustrating but, before taking it personally, it is worth being aware of why they are doing it so don’t take it to heart.
There is a saying ‘pride comes before a fall.’ If you feel someone’s ego is ballooning out of control, don’t despair or worry too much. Sooner or later they are sowing their own downfall.
Opinionated
Opinionated people have strongly held views and tend to be quite confrontational. Whatever the issue it is – the price of bread, the best place to put the flower pot, the cause of the credit crunch – you can guarantee they will have a strong opinion and they will vigourously argue for their point of view and won’t be particularly interested in anyone else’s opinion. On many issues you can side step them. After all, there are few things in life worth really worth arguing about – so just avoid bringing up the topics that they will give their interminable lectures on. It is also worth remembering you are probably not going to be able to change their mind directly.
The problem comes when they have a strongly held opinion on something which is important and that you can’t just ignore. This is maybe an issue which affects you or people around you. It is difficult because they are usually quite set in their ways. The best tactic is not to challenge them head on. Don’t start by saying I think you are wrong as they will resent this direct challenge. Try looking for some area of agreement and consensus; get them in a good frame of mind and then suggest an improvement or different way of doing things. But, there is no one particular way of dealing with this issue. Sometimes, we just have to be firm. Just because someone is opinionated and will throw a tantrum if they don’t get their way doesn’t mean we have to give into them. Never feel guilty for standing upto some behaviour that is wrong. But, where possible make it as least confrontational as possible.
Shy / Insecurity.
Someone who is shy and insecure will be reluctant to come forwards, they will lack confidence and often try hard to please people, even if inwardly they regret doing this. It is important to bear in mind that shy people will need encouragement and support. Small steps to boost their confidence will make a big difference. Don’t be patronising but give people the opportunity to speak and be true to themselves. Shy people are often quite self critical so there is little need to make a big deal out of criticising small misdemeanour’s. The main thing is that they will respond positively to even small amounts of encouragement.
Lazy People
Lazy people don’t create so much problems, but, laziness can become selfish when you have to do their work for them. Try giving them a sense of duty and make them aware of how they impact on other people. They might not change for themselves but, they may become less lazy when they realise others have to carry the can.
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photo by Pavitrata
February 16th, 2009 — | Posted by Tejvan Pettinger | life -
“Adversity makes you dynamic.
Adversity endow you
With faith in yourself.”
- Sri Chinmoy
Adversity and difficulties are an inescapable part of life. To try and hide from adversity can never work. Whatever we do we will face challenges and and adversity. The important thing is not what happens to you but how we accept and deal with it.
When adversity Strikes these are some tips for dealing with it.
Don’t Give Up
Sometimes we take difficulties as a sign to give up or ‘it is not meant for us’ But, if we look at people who have achieved great things, almost invariably they recovered from initial set backs. The great Abraham Lincoln had so many set backs before becoming US President. (Lost job
Defeated for state legislature (1832), Failed in business (1833), Had nervous breakdown(1936) Defeated for Senate (1854,1858) Yet he became one of the most influential presidents of all time. If at first we don’t succeed we need to have faith in our goal and keep going.
Don’t Blame Others / the Situation
When things go wrong we are apt to blame other people and other situations. The blame game may help us feel a little bit better, but, it doesn’t help us deal with the adverse forces we are faced with. Really successful people don’t have time to blame the situation as this can easily encourage a sense of self-pity that is not helpful. We have to take where we are and do what we can to improve our situation. Rather than complaining, if we focus on what we can do we will be much more effective.
Learn From Adversity.
It may be a bit of a cliche, but, it really is difficult situations which give us a great opportunity for self-improvement. If life was easy we would just become complacent and too laid back. It is adversity that forces us to re-evaluate our pre-conceived ideas and ingrained habits. Adversity is the shock that can lead to a deeper and more thoughtful attitude. If we see adversity as a necessary event for our own self-improvement half the fear of adversity is lost. We no longer see the difficult situation as our enemy but as part of our life.
Don’t Worry
We cannot change things beyond our control, so why worry over the inevitable? One of the difficult aspects of adverse situations is the uncertainty and worry that can accompany a deterioration in events. Maybe we worry over our financial situation. But, we shouldn’t let the worry get out of control and become excessive. Rather than using our mental energy for worrying about things over which we have no control, if we use this energy for doing what we can, our situation will definitely improve.
Detachment
Similar to the last point, detachment helps to be less depressed by the difficulties we face. The worst response is to feel guilty because of difficulties that have arrived. There is only so much we can do when faced with certain situations. We should judge our inner response not the outcome. Sometimes we can be our own worst critic and blame ourselves for things beyond our control. If we have difficulties with the attitude of friends and family – what can we do? Our responsibility is to do the right thing and respond with a compassionate attitude. But, we cannot change others or make bad situations disappear. Don’t feel bad for things that are beyond our control.
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Photo by Kedar – Sri Chinmoy Centre Galleries
