Here are some practical suggestions for dealing with anger.
1. When you are angry say nothing.
If we speak in anger we will definitely aggravate the situation and quite likely hurt the feelings of others. If we speak in anger we will find that people respond in kind, creating a spiral of negative anger. If we can remain outwardly silent it gives time for the emotion of anger to leave us.
“When angry count to ten before you speak. If very angry, count to one hundred. “
2. Be indifferent to those who seek to make us angry.
Some people may unfortunately take a malicious pleasure in trying to make you mad. However, if we can feel indifferent to them and their words; if we feel it is beyond our dignity to even acknowledge them, then their words and actions will have no effect. Also, if we do not respond in any way to their provocation, they will lose interest and not bother us in the future.
3. Use reason to stop anger.
When we feel anger coming to the fore try to take a step back and say to yourself “This anger will not help me in any way. This anger will make the situation worse.” Even if part of us remains angry our inner voice is helping us to distance our self from the emotion of anger.
4. Look kindly upon Others.
Another visualisation, suggested by spiritual teacher Paramhansa Yogananda, is to see the anger-rousing agent as a 5 year old child. If you think of the other person as a helpless 5 year old child your compassion and forgiveness will come to the fore. If your baby brother accidentally stabbed you, you would not feel anger and desire to retaliate. Instead, you would just feel he is just too young to know any better. This exercise may be particularly useful for close members of the family who at times evoke your anger.
5. Value Peace more than anger.
If we value peace of mind as our most important treasure we will not allow anger to remain in our system. As Sri Chinmoy says:
“You may have every right to be angry with someone, but you know that by getting angry with him you will only lose your precious peace of mind..”
6. Always try to understand those who are cross.
Don’t worry about feeling the need to defend yourself from their criticisms. If you can remain detached and calm they may begin to feel guilty about venting their anger on you. Inspired by your example of calmness, they will seek subconsciously to do the same.
7. Focus on Something Completely Different.
Suppose someone has done something to make you angry. Think about something which will make you happy. The best antidote to negativity is to focus on the positive.
8. Breathe Deeply.
The simple act of breathing deeply will help considerably with removing anger.
9. Meditation.
Practise meditation regularly to bring your inner peace to the fore. If we can have an inner access to our inner peace we will be able to draw upon this during testing times. – How to Meditate
10. Smile
When we smile we defuse many negative situations. To smile is offer goodwill to others. Smiling costs nothing but can effectively defuse tense situations.
Common Sense
If you leave your unlocked bike in the centre of town, it is likely to get stolen. This can be frustrating and is likely to give rise to feelings of anger. Of course, we should minimise this kind of situation – simply remember to lock your bike. If we feel there is an injustice in our workplace, we should work to resolve it; this will make our work environment more peaceful and less prone to creating anger. If we have a partner who is abusive, the solution is not just dealing with our own anger, but finding a more peaceful living situation.
When we try to transcend anger, it doesn’t mean we have to acquiesce to injustice and unfairness. We should strive to make the world a better place. However, whatever our goals, it is always best to act with poise and a clear mind. Acting under the influence of anger makes it more difficult to attain what we wish to achieve.
Finally as a teacher, I occasionally feign anger to make students pay attention; sometimes, you need to show a stern face. However, as a teacher you can’t afford to allow yourself to be over-run with the emotion of anger because then you may over-react and create problems.
See also:
Photo credit: Ranjit Swanson, Sri Chinmoy Centre Galleries
im in love wit the response from bluemistro..u really inspired me to take a stepback an try to resolve my anger in a different light..i appreciate it..
I rlly like this site it was rlly helpfull!
Thanks for these steps they savedd my life.
I think that small and meaningless outbursts of anger may be well served by heeding your advice. But we should be very careful not to deny our own nature. If we have negative feelings, of course, they should be solved by removing their cause, not by shouting and kicking some other person. That will not remove the cause, but telling our selves to be rational and loving and forget about it will also not work. It could well work completely opposite in the longer run.
That said, may I express may sincere happiness for your excellent articles here. Thanks!
A poison tree
By William Blake
I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe;
I told it not, my wrath did grow.
And I water’d it in fears,
Night & morning with my tears;
And I sunned it with my smiles
And with soft deceitful wiles.
And it grew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright;
And my foe beheld it shine,
And he knew that it was mine,
And into my garden stole
When the night had veil’d the pole:
In the morning glad I see
My foe outstretch’d beneath the tree
i need to hit some thing to help me not calm down
thankyou very much, during these tense times it is important to remember certain rules of dealing with it.
thanks that was helpfull! and i regr that anger came over me. today i know how to deal, my anger. thanksssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.
thanks for your advice, whenever i angry i lose my mind and act without any sense and there is no time for thinking again
thanyou so much for sharing this with me I have had alot of problems in my family so when I get angry I shut down and I dont like talking to other people. so I thank you so veary much.
BLUEMISTRO you have an excellent point
thank you ,now i feel very cool.i want to change my life from all this emotions,angry,dipressions.your site is very helpfull to me.once again thank you.
Thank you very much for you invaluable tips. It is really very usefull for me and people who read this might be get a good thing for ever.
These are good ideas about an important subject for people.
I sometimes have to remind myself not to feel guilty about having anger. The guilt just makes it worse.
What is more important is learning how to deal with anger skillfully so that it is not so destructive.
I also find it helpful to separate my “reasons”for being angery from the pure physical experience. When I let go of the sense of “justified anger” and simply focus my mind on the physical sensations in my body, the anger disipates and reason and compassion return.
I once heard that anger is born from fear; fear of not being heard, or understood. I’ve found the best way to defuse anger is to listen and try to understand the other person’s point of view.
Love the response on number 28 in the comments, Lars.
My friend is Having a huge problem with her anger, letting her anger out on other people (physical). And I need help, my advice has reached its limits. I dont think i can help her anymore than i already have. I guess some people like to still wallow in their pasts even though it hurts them, but ive took into consideration on lending this hopefully helpful advice to her. If anything im guessing meditation will calm her nerves and hopefully she’ll find herself during that period of healing. If she fails and falls, I have a feeling Shes going to pull me down with her. Well,
Thanks for the advice
I made a complete jerk out of myself last night by totally ignoring all these ways to help deal with anger. For a while there I’m affraid to say I acted like this. I had no idea that what I said and the way I said it was causing so much damage. I had a chance to talk it over immediately and saw just how wrong I was. Boy do I feel stupid. I knew I was an angerous person, but I thought the way I felt with it (complain, hold in) was a way. Well… It’s a way to lose friends. I’m so sorry. I can’t be that way anymore. I have to change now. And believe me, I want to. I need to actually.
I was thinking about seeing a psych.
Does anyone think that would be best?
I don’t think at all that I’m crazy, It just seems that I’d have to be, in acting so foolishly with my anger.
Again I am so sorry to who I offended.
I sadly can say I went through all of these. I never did anything about it till my fiance left me for good even though she gave me plenty chances to change and encourage me and helped me to change. I ignored her completly i always took it up to her, and yell ,scream even course at her. When she left me i knew it was it and it made me see reality. I changed am able to deal with anger, better work inviroment. unfurtunally I was never able get my fiance back and blame my self for it.I KNOW I CAN LIVE A BETTER LIFE NOW
all sounds a bit indirect/impractal to me..
(except point 8 which given enough attention will sort your whole life out, but angry people are usually hiding negative emotions)
if your angry just feel/express it. do i need to say without hurting anyone ? (including yourself)
scream into or hit a pillow in private ?, if there’s pain that makes you feel angry, then feel that too.. cry if you need to as long as you need to..
keep doing that till you feel better
if you can meditating on your breath will work wonders too
RK..
which is better for your daughters, you being with their mum, or you being happy..?
I’m very angry when someone i love blames me for things but can’t accept some of the blame. Trying to self improve but how much can a person give in order for the other one to give?