Entries Tagged 'self improvement' ↓

This is in response to a readers question about how to deal with lack of confidence.

List Some Positive Qualities

Here, you have to be honest with yourself. Yes, you will have some weaknesses, but, also you have some strengths and good qualities. If you lack self confidence maybe you are sensitive person, who is keenly aware of other people’s feelings. Turn this sensitivity into a strength; feel that your empathy with other people makes you a better person. Try to list several good qualities and / or several positive contributions that you have made and avoid feelings of false modesty.

Spend Time With Positive People.

Unfortunately, sometimes when we lack self confidence we can gravitate towards people who instinctively like to put others down. (This behaviour is rooted in their own insecurities – they knock other people to make themselves feel better). However, spending time with negative people is inevitably very bad for our self confidence. It is a real shame when this happens repeatedly for some people. Look closely at the people you spend your time with, if they are always criticising you (either directly or indirectly) try spend more time with people who don’t.

Be Yourself – Don’t Imitate

You can only gain self-confidence when you are trying to be yourself. In some social situations we feel awkward so the temptation is to do what you think other people expect; we try to be somebody we are not. But, when we are trying to be someone that we are not, inevitably we lack self-confidence because the element of falseness in being something we are not.

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The New Year is an excellent opportunity to take a fresh look at life. It is a time when we can resolve to make real changes to our life. However, sometimes it is easier to create resolutions, rather than actually make the lasting change. As we create new year resolutions, we also need to work out how we can make it part of our life long change.

What Good Habits Do you Need?

The key to New Year resolutions is to choose ones that you really need. Take an honest look at your life and decide where it could easily be improved. Often it is small issues and minor irritations that can spoil our day. For example, do you easily get angry for the smallest provocation? If that is the case make a resolution to control your anger. Often we don’t think of simple things like this, but, if we can resolve to improve in areas like this it will make a big difference to our quality of life.

What do You Wish to Achieve in 2008?

If you know what you wish to achieve, then work out the kind of resolutions that you will need. Be bold and willing to follow your heart’s aspirations, don’t just think of small changes – think how you can make a real difference to your life. Be prepared to make resolutions to aim for a completely new goal and change of life.

Give Them Importance

The success of new habits will depend upon how much importance that we give to them. What we value is given our energy and attention; if we constantly remind ourselves of our new targets and goals we will become more motivated to fulfil them. But, if we are not careful, habits can slip from our attention and therefore, we fail to make the change permanent. In this regard, it may be better to have a small number of resolutions that you are really going to work on, rather than a long list of speculative resolutions.

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If you struggle with low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy, these are some suggestions to gain self confidence and increased self-esteem.

Remember the Good, forget the Bad

If we are honest with ourselves we will notice that all humans are a mixture of bad qualities and good qualities. However, perhaps out of a sense of false modesty, we are more prone to remember our mistakes and weaknesses. It is this that makes us feel guilty and worthless. But, in this situation, we are doing ourself a disservice; true we have made some mistakes, but, we have also done many good things. We should make a conscious effort to remember our good qualities and selfless actions to others. If we have made mistakes, learn from them, but, don’t allow them to drag you down with feelings of guilt. – Let go and move on.

Detach from Criticism

You can’t avoid getting criticised, but, it is upto you whether you let it disturb your peace of mind. It is no one other than yourself who can rob you of inner peace. If you receive criticism, don’t let it disturb your peace of mind. Feel it is criticising only an aspect of your character – an aspect you can easily improve. If the criticism is unjust, pay no attention to it. Just leave it with the other person.

Stop Procrastinating

Often feelings of inadequacy occur during periods of great procrastination. Rather than doing anything positive, we just think of all the things we haven’t done. Here it is easy to get into a negative frame of mind, thinking of all the things we should be doing, but haven’t. The cure for this is quite simple. – Stop procrastinating and start to achieve certain targets. As soon as we are actively working towards something we will have much greater self confidence.

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The ego is the part of us that identifies with our body and the personality of ourself. The ego is the little ‘I’ which thinks thoughts such as: “I am good.” “I am bad,” “I’m much better than that person,” “I am inferior to everyone else”.

Previously, I looked at how to reduce the influence of the ego. In this article I thought I would look at reasons why it is a good idea to reduce the ego.

Ego is Caught in the duality of good and bad

For every good thought, there is an equal and opposite idea. For example, when we have a tremendous sense of pride, we feel an equal measure of humiliation when our pride is punctured. When the ego criticises other people, the ego feels an equal measure of guilt when the roles are reversed. To avoid feelings of inadequacy, we should not seek to just avoid doing the wrong thing, we should also seek to reduce our ego; it is this that will enable us to detach from feelings of pride and humiliation.

Ego knows no Peace

When we live in the ego, we always will find inner peace an elusive goal. The reason is that the ego constantly worries and doubts. When we are subject to these thoughts a lasting peace cannot take hold. To attain peace of mind, we need to let go of the ego and live in the here and now. See also Seven steps to inner peace

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Self Transcendence is synonymous with our own self improvement. If we always stay in our ‘comfort zone’ we make no progress. It is important to know how we can achieve more. Here, achieve is perhaps not the right word – Self-transcendence is not just about achieving more, it is also about overcoming our negative limited thoughts and beliefs

These are some suggestions to help you transcend your own limitations

Set Targets

If you want to transcend yourself, you need to have something to aim for. Set realistic goals and targets. This maybe getting rid of a bad habit; it may be getting up 30 minutes earlier; it may be to improve your physical health. If you have something to aim for it remains a powerful motivation. As you achieve a small improvement, you can continue to raise the target. If it is not so easy to achieve your goals – don’t give up. Self transcendence requires patience, and perseverance.

Don’t Be Limited by Your Own Thoughts

The first thing we need to be aware of, is how easily we can be affected by our own self imposed limitations. Quite often, we may be unaware of how much we allow our thoughts to limit our perspective and capacities. These thoughts and ideas are often deeply embedded in our mind. However, whilst we cherish these thoughts, they will always act as an invisible barrier. Examine carefully, your own thoughts. If you find yourself often saying “I can’t do that..” try to at least suspend disbelief.

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The ego is that part in us which feeds off praise, compliments and success. When we live in the ego we are inevitably subject to feelings of superiority / inferiority, pride and worthlessness, success and failure. If we want to avoid these negative emotions we need to transcend the ego. If we can transcend the ego, we will find that people are instinctively more attracted to us, even though we are no longer trying to impress. It may seem a great paradox, yet, limiting the role of our ego can make a radical difference to our lives.

These are some factors which can reduce the power of the Ego.

1. Don’t Try to impress

Don’t speak about your own achievements. Don’t drop names of great people you have met. Avoid forcing your accomplishments and success into the conversation. If you have been successful in accumulating wealth, try to keep quiet about it. All these factors may impress your own ego, but, you can guarantee they will have little impact on other people.

2. Be aware of False Modesty.

Sometimes when we say. “O I’m absolutely hopeless”. Actually what we are wanting is for people to respond. ‘O no your not, your really good.” Humility means that we don’t take excessive pride in our achievements, but, it also means we don’t exaggerate our failings in the hope of gaining sympathy.

3. Be Careful of Flattery.

We need to be careful about receiving praise, in some ways it can be as difficult as receiving criticism. The problem is that the ego likes receiving praise and so we can easily become addicted to being flattered. Don’t seek out people who are keen to flatter us, as this is only feeding the ego. Also, be wary of flattering other people in the hope that they will return the compliment.

4. Don’t use your Religion / Spirituality to Impress.

It is a mistake to feel that the practise of a religion / spiritual path gives us a moral superiority over other people. If we feel any superiority we are missing the whole point of spirituality. Spirituality is about a feeling of oneness not of proving that one path is better than others. This can be one of the most insidious types of ego. This is because when we wrap up the ego in a sense of moral superiority, we can easily trick ourselves into thinking we are reducing the ego, when actually we are strengthening it.
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We often hear the mantra that positive thinking is a key to our success and happiness. – It is true that thoughts are of crucial importance in shaping experiences in our life. But, what do we actually mean by positive thinking? When is positive thinking helpful and when is it a hindrance?

What Positive Thinking is Not.

1. Expecting that thoughts alone can bring success.

Good thoughts are important for success. But, Edmund Hilary didn’t climb Mount Everest, just by thinking about it. Combine positive thinking by taking practical steps. Don’t just dream – Act.

2. Ignoring our Weaknesses

We need to develop self confidence and belief in our capacities. But, this should not be mistaken for pride and arrogance. If we feel that we are always right, this is a real mistake. This is not so much positive thinking as arrogant wishful thinking. We need to combine self-confidence with a quiet humility.

3. Expecting People will Behave in a Certain Way

Positive thinking should not assume that we can change someone’s nature just through positive thoughts. We should avoid magnifying people’s weaknesses, but, it is a mistake to feel that we can change someone’s nature through positive thinking. In practise we will always be disappointed. Positive thinking can be used to offer goodwill to others, but, do not expect fundamental change from others.

4. Desire for Great Riches through positive Thinking

George Bernard Shaw said there are 2 tragedies in life “One is to lose your heart’s desire. The other is to gain it” If we feel positive thinking is repeating a mantra like ” I will be rich, i will have loads of money” – Maybe we will get money; but, is this what will give us abiding satisfaction? Positive thinking should be used for our self improvement and not our self aggrandizement

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Personal development is our conscious self-improvement and self-transcendence. It is the aspiration to realise our higher self

The process of Personal development involves several aspects:

• Transcending our Negative Qualities.

We all have negative qualities such as pride, anger and doubt. Personal development is a conscious effort to reduce and minimise these qualities by focusing on the positive aspects of life.

• Controlling Our Thoughts.

Control of our thoughts is essential for our own development. If we allow ourselves to be at the mercy of our own thoughts, we cannot hope to minimise our negative qualities and bring our good qualities to the fore. Meditation is the best way to cultivate a silent mind.

• Self-Transcendence.

Self-Transcendence is the art of going beyond our own self-imposed limitations. This means we aspire to reach new goals and not to be satisfied with what we were in the past.

• Intuition.

Personal development means we learn to listen to the inner voice – our inner pilot. The messages of our inner voice can only be heard with a silent mind. This inner inspiration comes not from our ego, but our Soul.

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Problems cannot be avoided in everyday life. When we do not have difficulties, the human mind has a tendency to create extra problems. To deal with problems that arise we should not seek to avoid them. We need to look at them as an opportunity to improve our nature. By overcoming problems we can strengthen our will and learn valuable lessons.

Here are some tips for dealing with problems:

1. Don’t Feel Miserable

The existence of a problem does not mean we should feel miserable or guilty. True, the problem may be the result of our previous mistakes, but, regretting the past will not help us deal with the issue at hand. Also, quite often problems arise through no fault of our own. To feel guilty for problems created by others is to make a double mistake.

2. Opportunity not a Problem

Often what we see as a problem is really an opportunity to learn something or overcome a certain weakness. We will never invite problems into our life, but if we are able to have the right attitude we realise that by overcoming them we can learn something quite valuable.

Our goal is not to have
A problem-free life.
But to conquer all the problems
As they appear
Along our life-road.

Source: No Unreachable Goal, by Sri Chinmoy

3. Be Resolute

If the problem is stemming from other people, we have to be steadfast in not allowing the problem to enter into us. We should try to build an invisible barrier to stop the negativity entering into us. For example, if others are very stressed, they will subconsciously try to pass their anxieties onto us. If we are not strong these anxieties will enter into us. However, if we can detach ourselves from their worries and stress we will remain unaffected.

“Courage consists in equality to the problem before us.”

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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You woke up an hour late, just when you have that important business meeting this morning. In the bathroom you discover that you’ve run out of toothpaste and your only clean shirt has a bad crease in it running right through the middle. You burn the toast, drop the sugar container and burn your tongue on the boiling hot coffee. All your alarm bells are ringing and anxiety rushes through your veins like a mad, unstoppable current. With all the ingredients for a disastrous recipe at hand, how to stay cool in the midst of an erupting volcano of worries and anxieties? Here are eight tips.

1. Use common sense.

Ask yourself just one question: is worry going to help you even one bit in sorting out the chaos you’ve just landed into? No. An unmistakable no. On the contrary, worrying about the situation will only make things worse. And you thought it couldn’t possible get worse? Wrong again. So don’t worry. Be happy.

2. Take a few deep breaths.

When anxiety hits you your breathing becomes shallow, irregular and restless. You’ll be amazed how breathing in deeply, fully and calmly will restore your peace of mind. It may come as no surprise that during our deep sleep our breathing is always deep and completely relaxed. Practise belly-breathing as often as possible, also during stress-free hours.

3. Better stay away from that cup of coffee!

Too much caffeine overstimulates the nerves, making you more susceptible to anxiety. Green and black tea also contains caffeine. Go for a tasty fruit juice or herbal tea instead. Your nervous system will be grateful.

4. Think of the ocean.

Strange as this piece of advice may sound, when you think of something vast and limitless, like a vast body of water, your mind becomes relaxed and peaceful. Anxiety traps your mind in a tiny little room and binds it there. That’s why you feel like you’re suffocating. Free your mind again. Make it wide, broad and vast. Like Mark Twain said, “Drag your thoughts away from your troubles… by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.”

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