When I think of happiness, the first things that spring to mind include:

• Peace of mind, the absence of mental disturbance.
• A sense of living in the heart rather than mind.
• A feeling of goodwill to others and the rest of the world. When I get joy from other people’s happiness.
• A feeling of spontaneity and living in the moment.

I would say real happiness comes from within, from our state of mind; it is a state of consciousness. It is the happiness which is unaffected by outer circumstances. Real happiness does not depend on material success or material wealth, but a feeling we are leading the life we were meant to lead. When there is real happiness and satisfaction, we feel joy springing from within, this happiness makes even the mundane interesting and ordinary beautiful.

Absence of Fear, worry, anxiety

If we have tension, fear or anxiety this is not happiness. For example, we might get a thrill out of cheating someone. Part of us likes the danger, excitement, but however hard we try our conscience doesn’t allow us peace of mind. Real happiness can only come when we have peace of mind and are not thinking about the future or past.

Childlike Simplicity

The man is happiest who lives from day to day and asks no more, garnering the simple goodness of life.

- Euripides

If we have a childlike simplicity we will find joy in the simplest of activities. We will feel happiness through the spontaneity of living in the present moment. This spontaneity means we are happy with who we are and not trying to be someone else; just living as you are. This is a real happiness. Happiness is when we can feel our soul – when we don’t cloud our mind with useless thoughts and desires.

Giving Happiness

The soul’s philosophy is:
Give happiness constantly,
Give happiness unreservedly,
Give happiness unconditionally.

If we can’t give happiness to others how can we expect to be happy ourselves? What we give, we will feel as a reality within ourselves. Sometimes we feel happiness is limited and we need to find and hold onto it. But, real happiness is something that can be given to others and spread. When we give selflessly we are able to learn a new type of happiness. As the Buddha said:

“Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.”

- Guatama Buddha

Happiness that comes from within

Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.

-Abraham Lincoln

Sometimes we can look at the weather on a rainy day and say to ourselves ‘it is a miserable day’ On other days, we may feel the rain has a real charm. It’s not the weather that determines our happiness. It is our approach – our reaction to the weather. This shows how happiness stems from the way we look at the world, the way we see ourselves.

Following Our Inner Call

True happiness
Is not a mental hallucination.
True happiness
Is not a complacent feeling.
True happiness
Is the spontaneous feeling of joy
That comes from knowing
You are doing the right thing
And leading a divine life.

- Sri Chinmoy [ Sri Chinmoy, Ten Thousand Flower-Flames, Part 91, Agni Press, 1983. ]

Sometimes, we just know we are doing what we are supposed to do. It may not be  particularly glamorous or outwardly attractive, but we feel we are doing something our soul wants us to do. Often we can be surprised at what is giving a sense of satisfaction. It requires us to try to listen to our inner voice, our conscience. It may require ignoring conventional wisdom or expectations, only by listening to our inner voice can know what gives us a sense of fulfilment.

Acceptance

How do I find happiness?
I find happiness
By loving the world more,
Ever more.

We can never have real happiness if we constantly blame the game of superiority and inferiority. The mind can frequently be comparing and judging us to other people.

If we live to fulfil our desires we will always be wanting something more, we will always feel unfulfilled, unsatisfied. If we get what we desire, we are temporarily relieved. But, if we don’t get it we will have great frustration. If we just accept and love, then we will know happiness.

What is happiness?

We have to be the judge. We will know when we get a real happiness and when we have a mere passing pleasure.

What is happiness to you?

Related

• Happiness will Follow You
• Happiness for no reason
• Values of Happiness
• Unexpected moments of happiness
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It is not by chance that we find ourselves happy or miserable. Over 2,500 years ago, the Lord Buddha left us this unmistakable truth:

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. 
If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. 
If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, 
happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him. ”

These are the simple tips to cultivate happiness – a happiness that doesn’t depend on external circumstances.

Be Happy Where you Are.

We often talk about the importance of being in the ‘here and now’. But, what do we actually mean by this? The nature of our mind is that it is often planning for happiness in the future. If we get that degree, job, relationship, if we can only move to where reasonable people live e.t.c – then we will be happy. But, with this attitude of planning for future happiness, means it will always remain elusive – like chasing a shadow.

We need to be happy whereever we are. Even in the most difficult of situations there are opportunities to be a little more cheerful and a little less frustrated. Don’t allow small things to knock you off balance, as this frustration can spoil the rest of our day.

Be Happy with your work.

A problem is that we often associate happiness with pleasure, rest and lying on beach in some far off tropical paradise. Well, there’s nothing wrong with a tropical paradise. But, unless you happen to own an island in the Bahamas, your fate will place you in different circumstances. Work is necessary and  no matter how repetitive or difficult it maybe, take pride in it. Be conscious of the ability to gain satisfaction from doing a good job and serving other people.

There are times when we can be happy from a mundane activity such as washing dishes. It is such a simple task, but if we can do it cheerfully, (without complaining that someone else should have been doing it), then we will really be able to cultivate real happiness.

Part of the problem is just being aware that we can be happy even in mundane situations. Focusing entirely on the job at hand, can help us to forget the inevitable ruminations of the mind.

Society places a subtle pressure to compare ourselves with other people. When we compare we will never be satisfied. There will always be someone better off than us; there will always be someone who seems more successful. As soon as we start comparing, jealousy and frustration inevitably follow. Avoid comparing with others. Instead, learn the art of self confidence and self-respect.

Do not compare
If you want to be happy.
Do not blame
If you want to be happy.

- Sri Chinmoy

If you find yourself subject to jealousy, the best way to overcome it is by sincerely appreciating the good qualities / achievements of others. Appreciating the good qualities of others is the best way to learn them yourself

Smiling in the Face of Adversity

Life has a habit of putting is together with difficult people. Is there anyone who has the pleasure of just living with saints? – of course not … If you find your happiness challenged by other people, escaping from them will merely switch one problem for another. Keep smiling, and silently offer your good will. Don’t spend your time analysing and criticising their faults. Let the negative qualities have no impact on you.

The Heart – Mind and Meditation

As the first quote by Lord Buddha suggests, it is our thought and state of mind that determines our inner life. If we are subject to a negative train of thoughts, we will slowly but steadily become miserable. The art of happiness is to lessen the impact of our negative mind. It is not about just repeating positive mantras by rote; We are trying to bring the heart to the fore. This is just simply the more divine, peaceful part of our nature. There are times when our heart comes to the fore even without trying – this could be in the beauty of nature, listening to sublime music – But, at times we need to make the effort.

Try these simple exercises:

• Meditation on the heart can make us consciously aware of this inner happiness.
• Learning to control our thoughts. Difficult, but definitely possible. There are few better things that we can learn to do.

The great paradox is that by being aware of our state of mind, we can learn to be happy without reason – or at least happiness for no external reason.

True happiness
Is not a mental hallucination.
True happiness
Is not a complacent feeling.
True happiness
Is the spontaneous feeling of joy
That comes from knowing
You are doing the right thing
And leading a divine life.

- Sri Chinmoy

Related

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• False Happiness – Real Happiness
• Poems – Happiness

photo by Tejvan

Do you want
To be happy,
Learn the beautiful art
Of self-encouragement.

- Sri Chinmoy

It is a fine balance between self encouragement and self-criticism. To honestly evaluate ourselves is a difficult task. We tend to either conveniently ignore our own faults or become too harsh on ourselves for small inconsequential things. We need a balance of self-encouragement and honest self-appraisal; getting the right balance is not so easy.

Tips for Self Criticism

Don’t Be Ashamed of your Faults.

If we can’t be honest with ourself who can we be honest with? The mind can be good at justifying our wrong actions and behaviour. But, clever self-justification is of no benefit in the long run. If we can be aware of our own pride, jealousy, insecurities then we have a chance to let go of them. But, if we always justify our wrong attitudes to ourself then we are lost.

Avoid Guilt.

One of the reasons we may seek to ignore our faults is that we feel guilty. Rather than feeling guilty we avoid criticising ourself. However, it is better to be self-critical without feelings of guilt. Guilt is an emotion that doesn’t help but makes us feel more inadequate. Become aware of what you want to change and see it is a positive movement.

Not self-contempt
But self-improvement
Has to be
Our continuous choice.

- Sri Chinmoy

Don’t Judge By The Values of Others.

The biggest problem is that we start to judge ourselves by the standards of others. Our friends may have been put out because of something we did. Therefore, they try to make us feel guilty. Because others are critical of us, we feel obliged to feel guilty too. But, we have to be firm and reject others’ criticisms – if they are not justified. In the eyes of the world we may have done something wrong. But, only we know our inner attitude. We may have done something with the best of intentions and motivations, but, because of circumstances beyond our control, thing turn out badly. The world will criticise us, but, we know we did our best. How can we criticise ourselves for bad luck or circumstances beyond our control?

• At the same time, we may get praise when we don’t deserve it.
• Also, although we shouldn’t accept the misinformed critisims of others. We should be open to the suggestions of others. Often people can see things about ourselves that we can’t. Don’t be too proud to take advice / suggestions / criticism from others. It is not a sign of weakness to listen to other people. Our sincerity will know whether they are telling the truth or not.

Judge Motives rather than Outcome.

As mentioned in the previous point it is our inner attitude which is important. A small action done selflessly without expectation of reward is worth more than egoistic selfish actions which may appear to have a better outcome. It is our inner attitude that we need to be aware of.

Remain Balanced.

When we start to criticise ourself it is easy to lose a sense of proportion and start beating ourselves up over a small issue.  This is a real mistake. We might make small mistakes but, making them into big problems just makes the situation worse. Never lose a sense of proportion and don’t magnify small problems. At the same time don’t be dismissive of actions that are causing pain to others.

Self Criticism and Self Encouragement.

Focusing on the negative doesn’t help. The most effective self-criticism is to also learn the art of self-encouragement. Be aware of the good selfless deeds and thoughts you have and give these more importance. If we strengthen our good qualities then this will take care of most of our weaknesses. The positive approach is by far the best way to help our self-improvement.

photo by Pavitrata

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Recently, at a public lecture on the theme ‘blueprint for world peace’ I found myself sitting next to a very quiet African man  from Burundi. We both took a liking to each other and I gradually learned over the course of several subsequent encounters that he had been one of many refugee children, dispossessed by war and fleeing from murderous armies and tribal militias, that had been the subject of much media attention and outrage. Hounded and decimated by soldiers, killed by wild animals or dying of starvation, these many hundreds of children  had dwindled to only a handful of survivors and my new friend whispered of the terrible events that had filled his life and caused the death of his entire family.

Friendships bloom in the unlikeliest of manners and our life paths kept intersecting. On one amusing occasion I invited him to a hotel function that celebrated  a happy conclusion to a peace initiative I had been involved with. Nicholai had told me he would be a late arrival, and as his English language was not strong I promised to look out for him. After quite some time had passed I became concerned and began to look for him. Over in an adjacent huge ballroom, corporate types were hosting their own national get-together, a bacchanalian affair where hundreds of suited executives were dining, speech- making and almost climbing over each other to lay siege to a buffet table groaning under mountains of alluring food. A sudden possibility occurred and I scanned their ballroom from the open door – and sure enough there was our lost guest sitting merrily with a group of complete strangers, glass of champagne half-raised to his lips and blithely unaware that he had wandered in to the wrong function and invaded a Civil Engineers soiree. He looked so happy and I wondered whether I should leave him there with his whole new set of friends and dazzling new social possibilities. But I quietly retrieved him and brought him, both of us smiling at life’s vagaries, to our rather less glamorous function.

Nicholai’s heart-rending life had not made him forlorn or melancholy but filled him with gratitude and purpose and a resolve to offer all of himself back to the world to repay his own gift of life. All of the deaths he had seen had deepened him and awakened him spiritually…’death is as close as your breath’ he would tell me. He carried a battered copy of the Dhammapada, the Buddha’s teachings on impermanence, and would whisper to me solemnly : ‘Why are we born?  We are born so that we will not have to be born again’. He was speaking of the viewpoint that all life experience, if properly understood, offers us countless opportunities to learn equanimity and end suffering with it’s endless cycles of birth and rebirth.

How much joy we get in the company of those with whom we share an affinity of souls. Nicholai’s life had been stripped of everything that most people spend a lifetime accumulating – in return he had won the great spiritual treasures of desirelessness, simplicity, gratitude and spiritual awakening. He reminded me of a story I had heard from the life of Sri Krishna:

- stopping for a night at the simple cottage of a very poor devotee, whose only worldly possession was a cow, Krishna and his dear disciple Arjuna are treated with care and great kindness by the old lady who does not recognize who they are. In the morning Arjuna requests Krishna to reward their host for her selflessness and sacrifice and He agrees – he will take away the life of her cow! How can you be so cruel, asks Arjuna in dismay. Krishna replies, now she loves both me and her cow, but soon she will only have me and I will be the only thing left to her. She will rely solely on me, and in this way she will soon become one with me and live always in my heart. Then I will take care of her every need.

In our own quest for happiness we so often look to the impermanent and outer things of life – later we come to understand that happiness is not another person or place or circumstance or acquisition but a state of desirelessness, an inner achievement, a life of simplicity or devotion to God, the offering of oneself to a higher cause, egolessness and inner contentment. ‘Simplicity is an advanced course’ wrote my own teacher Sri Chinmoy. Indeed.

Nicholai’s wife died of gunshot wounds and whispered to him- ‘don’t be sad…go far away and start again…’ My own wife died of a lingering illness and I have only a last aphorism she wrote on a piece of paper, the handwriting spidery and wobbling with effort, a quotation by Sri Chinmoy: ‘Obstructions loom large, within, without. Yet, like a kite I shall rise without fail and fly against the wind’.

Death and sadness and loss teach us our life lessons and form an integral, indispensable part of our compassion for others and our own enlightenment. Nicholai makes me smile when he says to me: “I’m not sad any longer when someone dies – his suffering in this life is over. If you want to be sad, be sad when people are born: ’Oh, no, they’ve come again. They’re going to suffer and die again!’ “ He quotes the Thai master Ajanh Chah – “ we don’t meditate to see Heaven, but to end suffering”.

This is a guest post by Jogyata Dallas. Jogyata lives in Auckland, where he frequently gives meditation classes for the Sri Chinmoy Centre. see: Auckland Meditation

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Photo by Unmesh Swanson, Sri Chinmoy Centre gallery

The very notion of ‘self-improvement’ can often imply a deep dissatisfaction with ourselves and with life. This is rather unfortunate, because such an attitude can be pretty counterproductive if we want to change ourselves! Let’s first explain how accepting ourselves does not mean giving up on improving ourselves; in fact it makes the whole process of self improvement much more joyful:

• We get to set our own standards for self-improvement: Often we are unhappy because we judge ourselves by some unrealistic standard, which has often to do the expectations set by other people and society. By accepting some external guideline for what constitutes self-improvement, you are in effect comparing yourself to others.  Accepting ourselves allows us to judge our self improvement not by criteria set by others, but by our own previous marks.

• We get to focus on the positive: Often we spend so much time poring over our faults and failings that they occupy our entire mental space, leaving no room for us to appreciate our good qualities. By constantly ruminating on our weaknesses we give them a kind of power and we feel more and more helpless to overcome them. However by accepting yourself as you are, warts and all, you can then focus on increasing and expanding your good qualities – you will notice that your weaknesses will decrease in strength as well. Indeed, the most effective way of reducing your weaknesses is not by focusing on them, but by invoking its opposite positive quality instead.

• We live in the moment: Self acceptance means accepting whatever you did in the past, no matter how deplorable, is done and there is nothing you can do to change it now. Any time and energy spent wondering what might have been is therefore pointless. You have to start from where you are, here and now, at your current state of development, with what you have at your disposal.

• We change our attitude to the world: A poor self image leads to problems relating to other people, and excessive time wondering how others perceive us. However if we are happy in our own skin, then we begin caring less about what people think about us, and more time caring about people.

So how do we go about cultivating a philosophy of self acceptance? Here are a few tips:

• Create space to acknowledge your good qualities. Our mind often seems automatically geared to think of only the bad about ourselves, you have to consciously shift the focus to the good.  Even a simple five minute daily exercise of writing down the good things you did (no matter how small), or positive thoughts and inspirations you have had helps enormously.

• Don’t identify with the mind. We often see our minds as the final arbiter over our behaviour, and take anything it tells us very seriously, especially when it tells us something bad about ourselves. However a practice of meditation can help you access a deeper part of your nature, and take your thoughts much less seriously.

• Compete with yourself rather than others. Whether it be work, sports or any other field of endeavour, try to set your challenges not so much as achieving a fixed goal or competing with others, but more about transcending your own personal best. This relieves the pressure of outside expectation, and you will get tremendous joy from knowing that you have gone beyond anything you have previously done.

Photo: Jowan Guthier, Sri Chinmoy Centre galleries

Last week I wrote about gratitude, sharing my experience of how contrary to its associations with meekness, it can in fact be a form of unexpected power. Humility, if anything, is a quality that has even more of those mild saintly associations, leading us to think of doormats who turn the other cheek no matter what who is trampling all over them. And yet (surprise, surprise) nothing could be further than the truth, and here’s why….

First of all we need exactly to define what humility is. Because our ego often gives rise to excessive overpromotion, we feel that humility therefore involves the opposite extreme – publicly castigating ourselves and laying on excessive lashings of forced modesty. Yet the underlying feeling behind this kind of behaviour is insecurity and a desire to have others think better of us, and as such is just as much a manifestation of ego as excessive aggrandisement.

Humility is, quite simply, what happens when we go beyond the ego – a sincere and genuine self-appraisal, taking into account the entire being, all the faults and good points alike. As meditation teacher Sri Chinmoy points out “When you take a back seat consciously and deliberately in order to show others how humble you are, you are not being humble at all. True humility is something different; it is the feeling of oneness. Humility means giving joy to others. When we allow others to get joy, we feel our joy is more complete, more perfect, more divine.”

So, what can humility do for you?

• Humility brings self-awareness. Once you move away from the limited ego and the easy labels it offers you to define yourself by, you begin to find out that there is much about your deeper nature that is still a mystery. Humility moves us away from our own narrow sense of self and towards a more universal conception of who we are. So true humility and true self-confidence can indeed go together, because both are rooted in an appreciation and understanding of this deeper, vaster part of your being.

• Humility connects us with the world. Humility removes us from ideas of inferiority and superiority and expands our vision to take others into account. When we are humble, we fell more connected to our fellow human beings, and we become more empathetic and loving. This kind of connection with the world gives us a sense of expansion and vastness, which is itself a great power.

• Humility gives your words added power. Our ego often acts as an inflationary mechanism on our words, causing us to subconsciouly exaggerate statements, and over time, the weight of our statements will be lowered in the eyes of others. However, if our words come from a definite self-sincerity without any need to aggrandise ourselves in the process, then they will carry that ring of authenticity which will make people trust us more.

• Humility brings detachment. Often with the ego, we get welded to an opinion or idea and it becomes part of our own self-conception. Hence when someone attacks it, it seems as if are somehow attacking us, and we respond accordingly. However, when we have true humility, we learn not to take these things too seriously. If someone attacks your idea, you can evaluate that criticism on its merits instead of feeling hurt and wounded. We can therefore stay calm in the midst of criticism and argument, and serenely chart the best course forward.

• When you are humble, it is a sign you really have something to offer to the world. Often our ego acts because it tries to compensate for our shortcomings – hence the expression “empty vessels make the most noise”. However when you have this quality of humility, it allows you to bring what ever inner inspiration you have to the world in a very pure form, without the distortions caused by the ego’s aggrandisation.

• Humility helps you evolve as a person. If you are proud, then when shortcomings are pointed out, you will more often not just end up getting bitter at the person who pointed them out and digging a nice little mental trench for yourself. However, a humble person accepts his shortcomings for what they are, and is then able to work on their transformation for his personal growth.

So how do we cultivate humility?

• Visualisations for humility. One very nice way to cultivate humility is to visualise objects in nature that have a constant self-giving quality about them. Millions of people walk on grass every day and the grass never complains. When a tree has fruits to offer its branches bend down. The sun, offering its light every day without expectation of recompense. Nature has millions of examples of true inner strength and humility in silence.

• Putting good qualities in perspective. Often if we have a talent, we use it to mentally feel superior. If you find a good quality getting to your head, sincerely ask yourself if there is really no-one on earth more talented in that particular discipline than you: in 99% of cases there are thousands of people. This not only helps get rid of your vanity, it also helps you expand your awareness with the universe by considering all those people.

• Use the word ‘serve’ instead of ‘help’: When we say we are helping someone we often feel a little superior to the person we are helping, that they somehow posess a defect we do not. Instead if we use the term ‘serve’, we recognise the full worth of the person we are serving, and we feel grateful for the opportunity.

• Connect with a vaster part of ourselves. Often our ego is fed by insecurity, a feeling that the things we have could be taken away at any moment. However, when we use meditation to go beyond the ego, we find a part of ourselves that is all peace, bliss and light. It comes from inside ourselves, so no outer circumstance can rob us of it. When we identify with this part of our being, then we feel less need to listen to our limited ego.

Pictures from Kedar Misani, Sri Chinmoy Centre Galleries

It seems we are all striving for happiness; but, what do we actually mean by happiness? There is a big difference between a fleeting pleasure and an inner happiness independent of external events. These characteristics help to differentiate between real happiness and false happiness.

Peace and Happiness:

Real happiness brings inner peace. When we are sincerely happy we are at peace with the world and with our self.
A false happiness will be accompanied by insecurities, doubts and worries. We think our happiness could easily be spoilt by external events. To cultivate  happiness based on an inner peace it is necessary to be detached from the worries of the mind. We should not have a feeling of indispensability, but a calm acceptance of external events.

He is happiest, be he king or peasant, who finds peace in his home.

- Johann von Goethe

Pride.

A false happiness comes from a feeling of superiority. We feel that happiness depends on proving to the world that we are better or more indispensable than other people. A close relative of pride is jealousy of others whom we can not surpass. Real happiness takes joy in the achievement of others; in real happiness there is no feeling of inferiority and superiority, but only a sense of oneness. If you are constantly judging yourself against others, real happiness will remain elusive. If you can gain joy from others success, you have discovered a secret of real happiness.

Praise vs Detachment

If we are praised to the sky we are in the seventh heaven of delight; when we are mercilessly criticised we feel in the depths of hell. Relying on the praise of others can, at best, only give a fleeting happiness. Permanent happiness comes only when we maintain a sense of self esteem which is detached from the volatile opinions of the world.

To live a pure unselfish life, one must count nothing as one’s own in the midst of abundance.

- Buddha
Success vs Self Transcendence.

Success gives us a temporary feeling of euphoria; we have fulfilled our desires and now we can be happy. But, the joy of success is temporary and short lived. No success is permanent, and often we are often left with a desire for an even bigger and better success. Self transcendence is the ongoing process of self development and self improvement. The happiness of self improvement is not in achieving, but in the process of aiming for a better life. The joy of self transcendence is not confined to the odd victory, but, is the permanent journey of self discovery.

Emotional Dependence vs Love.

In fleeting happiness we get pleasure from feeling that others belong to us. We see people as ‘my’ partner ‘my friend’; we expect them to treat us in a certain way. Real love does not expect from others, but only gives without demand; this enables a real abiding happiness. When we inwardly demand people treat us in a certain way, we will always be disappointed. But, if we love unconditionally, we are buffeted from the expectations of the mind. (see: Meaning of Love)

“The mind finds it difficult to be happy, precisely because the mind consciously enjoys the sense of separativity. It is always judging and doubting the reality in others. … But we also have the aspiring heart, the loving heart. This loving heart is free from insecurity, for it has already established its oneness with the rest of the world. “

- Sri Chinmoy

Self Giving.

When we live only for ourself, we are permanently striving after the elusive goal of happiness. When we serve others cheerfully and unconditionally, we feel an abiding happiness. Why? When we are self giving and think of others, we expand our sense of self, we ignore the demand of our ego and develop compassion for other people. When we think only of our own desires, we live in our limited ego bound mind which is limited in its capacity to feel happiness.

All who would win joy, must share it; happiness was born a twin.

- Lord Byron

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.

Mark Twain

Photo by: Pranlobha, Sri Chinmoy Centre Galleries.

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.

- Paul Boese.

Forgiveness is a powerful way of moving on from unfortunate experiences; it is a way of illumining a darkened past. Without forgiveness we dwell on the negative attitudes of other people and the limitations of our own self. True, it is easier to talk about forgiveness than actually do it; but, if we can forgive, it is a powerful way to let go of negative experiences and make a fresh start.

Why We Need to Forgive

Hatred makes us feel miserable.

If we are unable to forgive and forget the misdeeds of others we will carry a heavy burden around ourselves. It may have some justifications, but, hating others means that we will make our own lives difficult. When we concentrate on the bad action of others, we give too much importance to these negative qualities and invariably they become part of our mindset.

We cannot live in the past forever

Forgiveness is a way to move forward. If we are unable to forgive we will always be thinking of the past. By thinking of past blunders we will not gain illumination. Forgiveness means we allow a new chapter to be written and prevent the old mistakes and difficulties being repeated.

Mistakes are inevitable

We cannot expect ourselves or other people to be perfect. Mistakes are an inevitable part of life. Even if people are trying to do their best, they may often behave with the wrong motives and actions. If we expect anything near perfection from others, then we will always be disappointed. To be forgiving means to be flexible, tolerant and accommodating.

To err is human.
But be careful,
Do not over do it.
If to forgive is divine,
Then rest assured,
You can never over do it.

- Sri Chinmoy

A person is more than certain actions

Often our judgement of a person depends on a particular action of theirs. When someone does something wrong, we inwardly label them as a bad person.This is a mistake; someone may have unfortunate habits or bad actions, but, this is only one aspect of that person. We would not want ourself to be judged on all our mistakes; we have done wrong things, but we know this is not the sum of our person. Forgiveness means we are able to separate a person from a bad action. We are not condoning the bad thing they do; it just means we acknowledge that anybody who does wrong things also has the capacity to do good things as well. Somebody may tell a lie, but that does not mean we have to think only of them as a bad person.

How To Forgive

Self forgiveness

If we cannot forgive ourselves how can we forgive others? If we carry a burden of guilt around, it makes it more likely that we will want to impose judgement on others; guilty people invariably look to see faults in others. To forgive our mistakes should not be seen as weakness. In fact it requires a certain strength to admit our faults, resolve not to do them again and then move on. Self – forgiveness can become a powerful way to our own personal development. If we can forgive ourselves then it becomes easier to forgive others. We realise that forgiveness is essential for being able to move on.

Look to Good qualities

The mind is often drawn to the negative qualities of others. We spend 90% of our time thinking of other people’s transgressions; this gives an unbalanced assessment and we associate that person with the negative qualities. However, if we can only acknowledge their good qualities then it becomes much easier to have a forgiving attitude. Even if a person has done 9 wrong things maybe we can concentrate on the one good thing that they have done. If we sincerely appreciate their good qualities, it is much easier to forgive their mistakes. This is also a powerful way to bring out the best in others. If we concentrate on others failings it won’t bring about any transformation; but if we concentrate on their good qualities we encourage them and bring them to the fore.

“We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love.”

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Choose to be happy

Nursing grievances and hatred is a short cut to be unhappy and depressed. If we bitterly resent the actions of others we will never have peace of mind. We should see forgiveness as an easy way to make ourselves happier. By letting go of our grudges and grievances we allow positive thoughts and ideas to come into our mind. If we really want to be happy we need to be able to forgive both ourselves and others.

Forgiveness is the answer to the child’s dream of a miracle by which what is broken is made whole again, what is soiled is made clean again.

– Dag Hammarskjold.

Forgive and Forget

To really forgive someone, we need to be willing to forget the unfortunate experience. If we say we have forgiven someone, but continue to bring it up then it is not real forgiveness because at some time it will awaken the negative feelings.

Quotes on Forgiveness at Write Spirit

Photo: By Pavitrata, Sri Chinmoy Centre

One great theme which psychologists have sought to address over the last fifty years is why so much human energy is directed to serving the needs of others. From the millions of people who give their time and energy looking after kids sports teams or working with the homeless, to extraordinary tales of ordinary people sacrificing their lives for people they have never even met, there is an enormous amount of care and giving out there, sacrifices that often do not get due attention in a media preoccupied with negative stories. For psychologists, it can be very hard to reconcile this behaviour with the evolutionary principle that we are all individual agents in a battle for ‘survival of the fittest’.

Giving comes from the heart

Undoubtedly, the notion that we are all looking out for ourselves and our progeny does indeed have some foundation in truth. There is no denying that there is an animal part of our nature which is still a considerable force to be reckoned with – the world is still rife with ‘survival of the fittest’ behaviour, jostling for position, and looking out for number one. When we live in the mind, it is this kind of behaviour that takes prominence. The mind tends to cut us off from others’ hopes and feelings and induce feelings of ‘them’ and ‘us’, with all the feelings of superiority and stereotyping that come with that.

However, those of you who are frequent readers here at Sri Chinmoy Inspiration know that many of our posts are given to exploring a deeper part of our being beyond the mind. In the heart – that space in the middle of the chest where we can feel the core of our being – we have a part of ourselves that we often only connect with in moments of great beauty or silence, a part of ourselves that comes forward when the mind is still, and a place where all the best impulses of mankind are located – empathy, brotherly love, and oneness. We have the saying ‘my heart went out to him…’ and this is exactly what happens when we see someone in a state of distress; we instinctively empathise with his condition and and we can feel a part of us wanting to overcome the self-obsessed aspects of our nature and help. This is the root of all true self-giving.

Giving makes us happy

The reality is that true happiness comes not from receiving, but from giving. We often try to establish happiness in our lives to tweaking and adjusting the outer conditions of our life, acquiring one thing and then another in the hope that the temporary satisfaction that gives will turn into something lasting. It often takes us quite some time to realise that true inner joy comes from spontaneously offering what we have to make the world a better place. The world is not a zero-sum game where your happiness comes at the expense of someone else’s – it is the diametric opposite. Self-fulfilment is world-fulfillment. We all have a unique purpose here, a unique dream that lies waiting to be manifested in our lives, and that dream when it is put into action automatically makes the world a better place.

For some of us that purpose will be in the creative and athletic sphere. This is indeed service to others – how many times have we been inspired by amazing athletic feats, or listened to a piece of music that really expanded our whole being? For many others, that purpose is more actively entwined with engaging with and serving others – family, community, planet. Making the world a better place is like filling in one giant jigsaw puzzle – each of us is holding a unique piece of that puzzle in the search for our own self-fulfillment.

Giving when we know what to give

Some of us are blessed to know instinctively what it is they have to offer in this lifetime; for the rest of us, there seems so many ways to be of service, and such a short lifetime to choose in! What do we do? Well, since our life’s purpose comes from deep within, we first have to go deep within in order to find it! Here is where a daily practice of meditation or reflection can be invaluable. Meditation is often mistakenly construed as isolating oneself from the world; however what actually happens in meditation that the mind is quietened so that our true nature and purpose can come to the fore. In meditation, we also gain inner peace, joy and balance and we then can offer these qualities to the world at large. (For those interested in finding our more about meditation, there is an article here…)

Meditation and prayer are of course used to connect by cultures all over the world to connect to something bigger than themselves, but it also makes us realise our own interconnectedness. It is no coincidence that all of the world religions have some social or humanitarian aspect to them – when you go deep within and explore your own inner vastness and beauty, you also begin to see something of that inner beauty in everyone around you, no matter what their background or social condition. Conversely, you could also say that giving is an act of discovery akin to meditation – when we give, our heart expands, and we crawl further out of our own shell and identify more with the human condition.

Giving from the right place

Sometimes when we give to others, there can sometimes be our human egos involved. We give with a subtle desire of appreciation, or an expectation that it will turn out in a particular way. And when we don’t get what we want, negative feelings come to the fore – hardly the path to happiness described above! You can tell if your inspiration is coming from the soul or from the ego simply by watching for any trace of conditional demand or expectation on your part. You will know if the action is inwardly inspired if you have a feeling of joy and certainty even before the action is carried out. When an action comes from deep inside rather than the ego, we don’t care for human recognition and we manage to keep our equanimity if the result turns out to be success or failure – for deep inside, we have gotten joy just by doing the right thing.

Photo by Bikash Frost, Sri Chinmoy Centre Galleries

A sense of perspective is vital to keeping sane and avoid small problems that can unnecessarily overwhelm us. If we lose perspective we can end up worrying for hours about things that may never even happen. To keep things in perspective it is particularly important to live in the present moment and avoid being overwhelmed by fears and concerns about the future.

Here are some tips to keep things in a sense of perspective.

See Things from other people’s point of view.

This is something that can be quite difficult to do. When we feel aggrieved at a situation or person, try to place yourselves in their shoes and try to understand their motivations and actions. We don’t necessarily have to agree and sympathise with them. But, if we can really look at an issue from other people’s perspective we can sincerely understand a very different perspective on the issue. This will help us be more sympathetic in our judgement and response.

Does it matter what other people think?

If someone makes a critical judgement, don’t let it be the end of your world. Just because we have received some negative feedback, it doesn’t mean it is entirely true or that we should take it to heart. Criticism invariably results from some small mistake; and doesn’t reflect on our overall character.

Are You misjudging other people?

Sometimes problems occur because we wrongly assume other people are acting from a certain motivation. The mind suspects and assumes the worst, yet, often we are incorrect in our assumptions. If someone fails to acknowledge our presence or contribution; we should avoid making the jump to assuming that they therefore no longer like us. The mind can be very tricky – it can take a small incident and magnify it out of all proportion. It is important to be very careful in judging people’s motives, especially when we assume them to be negative. If we suspect the worst we lose something precious within us.

Does this cause any major problems?

Sometimes we can get worked up about problems that are very insignificant. Perhaps we like to keep things in a certain order, but our house companions fail to clean up. It’s a bit inconvenient if people leave dirty washing in the sink; but, at the same time it’s not the end of the world. Think about the things that have concerned you in the past few days; and be honest in questioning how important they really are.

Detach from the Mind.

Our thoughts are not always reliable, it is important to be able to evaluate our own thoughts and decide whether they are accurate or not. Sometimes when we wake up in the morning we have a different perspective on yesterdays problems. The reason is that during sleep the mind switches off temporarily. Therefore, the new day can often give a new fresh, more optimistic perspective. However, we don’t have to wait until we sleep for 8 hours to switch off from the mind. Through learning meditation and how to control our thoughts, we can still the mind even during waking hours. If we cultivate this inner silence it helps to evaluate issues from a higher perspective. Meditation enhances our capacity to look at issues with our intuitive capacity and not just the intellectual mind.

Ask a Third Party for their Views

It is said that those who need advice are those most unwilling to be receptive to any advice. However, asking others can be beneficial for seeing another perspective. It is important that we not only ask others but are willing to take their views on board. It is also important to ask the right person; someone who doesn’t have a vested interest or have prejudged the issues

Be Willing to Think you May be wrong

Our initial judgements are often wrong. It is a mistake to hold onto these views rigidly. Our perspective is more likely to be inaccurate and unbalance when we become deeply attached to a particular outlook. Sometimes our pride and ego can make us reluctant to soften or alter our perspective. Our ego can exaggerate our problems and blow things up out of proportion

Concentrate on Good things.

Another thing we can try is just to ignore the problem / issue completely and throw ourselves into something different. If we can absorb ourselves in another task then we give time to ignore the problem. Later we realise that what seemed like a big problem before, is now less problematic.

Photo by: Unmesh Swanson, Sri Chinmoy Centre Galleries